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The Evolution of my personal web log of Jeff Goebel
I started it, and then - like so many things in life, I left it behind -
unfinished.
Other attempts:
June 21st 2003
 So I decided to re-install my
watch-camera software on this machine this weekend. I'd been snapping silly pics on the watch for months, and had no outlet to post them. Now that I look at them on the computer, I see it was a waster after all. Very few were worth looking at. The watch's main purpose is the "ooo" factor when you show it off to friends. It's a brag gadget, not a useful gadget. Now that I have my new cell (wireless) phone, the watch has passed into "oh yeah" status. I hardly even remember to show it off. Perhaps I should consider getting a real life... but not today.
So naturally, I created a web page for the new phone, and it seems to get more visitors than the page for the watch.
 The site has been getting a lot of new visitors this week. One day, I topped over 8000 visitors. That's for one day, and it's not HITS. Sadly, my current hosting isn't prepared for that popularity, so I either have to start being boring, or look for other off-site places to host some of the Frogstar files. The interesting side effect is that I've been seeing more and more complete strangers send me instant messages with questions, general fan mail and claims that it's my fault. That's always fun. Those that "get" the game seem to enjoy it.
I've also added a webcam to my site, and it's usually active too, which is rare for web page webcams. (giggle)
June 15th 2003
Ok, so I have not kept it up. We both knew
it wasn't going to stay active. Ironically, so much has been
happening in my life over the past few months, it would all have made a
great blog. Action, suspense, romance... my life has had it all.
But Blogging isn't for me I guess. Maybe if I could do it just
before bed, but the cat ate my network cable in the bedroom, and
wireless doesn't seem to work... so without a network on my bedroom
laptop, I just don't write much there. Oh well... live and learn.
We'll see what the future holds. I have just closed a 6 year
relationship with my girlfriend, and am looking for new experiences.
Maybe some will be blog-worthy.
The real truth is, I enjoyed the process, but not
the idea of the daily web log. The deadline brought back to many
school failure memories, and the structure of a log begs dated
attention, and screams failure when a month passes between entries.
It's silly stress I can avoid, simply by giving up. (hehehe). I am
now writing a book, which doesn't have a deadline, dated needs or
anything else. It's just whatever I want it to be. More news
as it becomes available.
May 18th 2003
I really want to write more. I enjoy writing, but
my brain just seems to have trouble starting things. More
recently, I've linked it physiologically to my terrible fear of not
being good enough. If I don't start, nobody can complain about the
quality. They can complain about me not starting, but that's
different, and I seem to have accepted that. I've been going on a
trip of self discovery over the past few weeks, and I think I'd like to
write a book along the way. It probably won't happen - but maybe this
journal can be a start. Self discovery can be fun. Early
this morning I woke up, and there was an email from a net friend.
She has found a book of interesting questions, and posed one to me.
She'd asked it of me once before, and I changed the topic. My
email reply today, was an interesting trip into the way my low
self-esteem mind works. After I finished writing, I edited as
little as possible and sent it. My I am pleased to present my
email here;
>On the butterfly/flutterby question, what would be the lowest price
that you would accept to de-wing a butterfly? and would the price be
different for a housefly? what about a dragonfly?
Lets get to the deep truth on this question and move on. A great deal
of who I am is a lie. I suspect the same may be true of most men. No man
will try to answer a question like this. They'll squirm and delay till
the topic is changed. The truth for me, is that I feel obligated to give
you the answer I think you want to hear, but with this one, it's tough
to know what the correct answer should be... what the answer you WANT
is... because the question is so odd. In my life, I have learned I am
most comfortable in a support position, not acting as a yes man - but
offering support to those around me. My life seems happier when I'm
making other people happy. It's just me. It's not everybody.
I don't KNOW what my answer would be. I don't know how to think that
way. I'll try very hard to answer. I seem to remember that a Monarch
Butterfly used to lose the power to fly if you even touched it's wing.
This always made me sad. A Butterfly without the power to fly is very
tragic. Somehow, maybe more tragic than a human without legs. Humans
have a support system for such tragedy, but insects are nothing without
that flight... or that part of their beauty. I'd far rather kill an
insect than remove it's wings... but of course, adding money to the
equation does change things... I mean... it's only one freaking
Butterfly. We have no concept of it's pain, or it's emotion.
But the the "image" comes back, and I fear of what people will think of
me if I am able to treat a Butterfly this way, then the next question
may be, what about a cat? Would I break the legs of a cat for $1000... I
mean, it's still only a cat.
My brain goes busy now, wondering if the answer to this question is so
deep, that only a certain type of person will answer it one way. Could
my answer mean I have criminal tendencies... The answer could be vital.
Life changing.
But then, like on TV - the man with the cash in hand says; "On no? How
about $10,000? $40,000? $100,000 ? COME ON! Everybody has a breaking
point where they weigh the self-image against the money. DO we really
care about the insect, or do we just care how it looks to others to NOT
care? What is the price it's socially acceptable to NOT care about an
insect's happiness?
So now I think differently. This question isn't so much about how you
feel for life forms, but maybe the answer to this question will tell you
how much I need money, or how much I care about it? If I bend my morals
for $1, then that dollar may be my next meal. If I can hold on to being
nice till the offer is $500,000, then I may be more financially secure.
You might be happy to hear I don't need $10,000 enough to hurt a
freaking Butterfly. That seems to indicate that $10,000 wouldn't be life
changing.
See how interesting my mind works? I'm still thinking of how YOU would
interpret my answer, and working to that goal - not the REAL answer,
which seems so irrelevant to me at this point. I don't WANT to hurt an
insect. I want to decide at what point, you would still like me, even if
I said Yes. I don't know if this is how all men would answer this, but
it's how my brain works. I have a low self esteem issue to work out. It
just so happens, you've asked me this as I'm going through a period of
self discovery... so it's fun for me to work this out in text, typing
LIVE as the thoughts occur to me.
I would say I'd need $5000 or more. A nice balance. It shows I'm not
rich, and it makes the act more about the money. The type of insect
doesn't matter much, and the fact that the Butterfly may be more
visually pretty than the more commonly hated irritating house fly isn't
relevant. To me, all the insects are the same. As the animals get
larger, the value probably increases. I'm not sure that's right, because
one animal should be the same value as any, but somehow it seems so much
less wrong to hurt an insect than a cat or dog. And then we get into the
whole value of a human next. I'd hate to see that question coming. Do
most humans have a price for hurting a human they don't know? A human
they do know? A whole spiral of questions... at what point do I just
change the subject?
Actually - before I SEND, I'll amend my answer one more time. I have to
know a little about the person offering the cash. Then it becomes a
challenge of wits... like Poker. I'd be an idiot to say $5000 if the
question is how much cash would it take. Why wouldn't I say $10,000,000
and life happily for ever after. If I am 100% sure aware that the money
is on an increasing scale, I would work the situation to get the most
possible money. If I say NO to $5000, KNOWING that the offer will
increase, then I appear to be a winner... Ouch! I shouldn't want to
appear a winner at the expense of another life. Is it possible this is a
lose-lose situation, and the only correct answer is to say "I chose not
to answer". There are too many variables, and I don't honestly know how
I would react. I think the ASKING is mean and says more about YOU than
me. (hehehe - Nice twist)
New rule: Never answer a question like this when I have just woken up,
after some strange dreams.
No animals were harmed in the authoring of this message.
Actually, if we're being technical - I would expect that I may have
innocently killed a million microscopic organisms just doing what I
normally do - but we don't like to think about that. I also ate meat and
eggs for breakfast... and nobody paid me to do it.
New Rule: Give up sometimes.
UPDATED later: I never heard from the girl
again.
April 25th 2003
I was laying back awake in bed last night and I
started thinking about my BLOG. I do much of my best thinking just
before sleep. Sometimes, sleep is delayed, because the thinking is
just too cool to forget. Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY should
have a mote-pad next to their bed... or for today's crowd, maybe a
keyboard. Anyway, the point was that I may be dull. I
remember once, a few months back in a fit of low self esteem, I came to
the realization that I was a fairly typical computer geek. I'm
overweight, have very little social life, and I even come with the
standard stereotype un-tidy beard. It hit me hard to discover; I'm
one of them. I work from home, so I'm not Dilbert. There are
no real main-stream fat bearded nerds on TV or in the movies, but they
appear as sub-plot characters everywhere. More like the COMIC BOOK
GUY from the Simpson's than anything else, but with computers, and not
quite so fat. (I've actually lost a lot of weight this year) I tried the
ponytail once. It wasn't me. Too exciting.
 Last night, my
newest discovery was that I'm really dull. Probably too dull to
have a blog. Like so many other realizations in my life, once I
make the initial discovery, so many other things start to fall into
place. The standard; "Hey - what's new?" greeting has never held
much happiness for me. My reply is almost always, "nothing much".
But that's the way I like it. In fact, this year I am hosting the
web site for my old High School reunion web pages, and I've had the
opportunity to say HELLO via email to many many of my High School
friends from 25 years ago. They describe their lives to me,
including cool jobs, family, vacations etc. When it's my turn, I
find myself describing a life not that different from the one they knew
of me, 20 years or more ago.
So how am I supposed to create an entertaining
BLOG day after day? I've already discovered I don't even have good
viewpoints about TV. MY attempt to describe my thoughts on Jimmy
Kimmel and Mr. Personality made one of the dullest Blog entries ever.
(It's directly below)
Hmm... I've got it. I'll confess to my
secret hero second personality and start telling lies in my blog.
I can be interesting... really. Stay tuned.
April 23rd 2003
Is it time to start using my Blog to rant about
TV? Maybe it's time to open a new TV views section on my web site.
As I get older, I seem to think my opinion matters more. I think
that "know it all syndrome" is usually a teenager mood. Anyway, I
want to first say I have a crappy-ish
Canadian supported RCA brand Tivo-type machine. For those that
don't know about them, it basically means I get to watch the TV shows I
like, whenever I want, rather than when it's actually on.
 For
example, I watch Jimmy Kimmel Live most mornings. Last night they
had the
PETER PAN guy on. I think it's neat Jimmy is getting a lot of
Internet guests. I guess they're going after a hip crowd. They
even had the YATTA singers a few weeks back. Since
they can't seem to get celebrities guests. I found it funny that
Jimmy is on ABC, and he couldn't even get the better guests from "I'm a
celebrity - get me out of here", which was well known for having no real
celebrities.
So the whole point of this rant was to use this
space to admit that I enjoy reality shows. I actually liked Mr.
Personality. Is that wrong? I like watching other people go
through though processes, even though I understand that reality TV is
just unscripted, but far from reality. I don't care how arranged
it is, or how many takes they use to get the reality look. I still like
the idea behind it. It's fun, and even the really really bad shows
seem entertaining on different levels. I can't wait to see how
bizarre it gets.
Maybe I'll shut up now.
April 21st 2003 - Happy Belated 420.
 I
just figured out a great use for my silly
camera watch. I can use it to take photos of my life, ready
for the blog. Sadly this was an un-eventful weekend for me.
I did a few on-sites for offices that don't like their computers to be
down during regular hours. I visited my friend Derek, because they
got a new dog - despite the fact that their landlord specifically told
them not to.  I also went
to visit Honest Ed's this past weekend - just because I felt it was
something everyone in Toronto should do at least once. For those
of you that have no clue, Honest Ed's is a huge discount store.
Now when I say Huge, you probably don't get the idea. It's
probably bigger than any store you've been in. Multiple blocks,
and multiple floors. Essentially, if you were poor and into
discount store shopping, you'd probably be able to find just about
anything here. All the jokes people make about Walmart's being
big. Double it. I was surprisingly unimpressed.
Walmarts are cool
April 16th 2003
Somebody told me the official punctuation for my
date would be to NOT include the comma after the date when I use the
th superscript. Rather than research who's right, I
just started alternating (grin).
 I
got a fascinating (to me) postmark on a bill in the mail today.
It's Canada Post, and they've started using slogans within their
postmarks. Today's seems rather anti-promotive (a word I made up,
but I like it) towards the mail service though, so I thought I'd include
it in my BLOG. The slogan is "From anywhere to anyone". I'd
actually prefer my mail gets to the person on the address, but maybe I'm
asking too much. Maybe it makes more sense in French, and loses
meaning in the translation. Just for fun, I entered "De partout jusqu'a
vous" into
Babel fish for translation, and it came back with; "Of everywhere
until A you". No more comforting.
 April
15th, 2003
A lot of change has come into my life since
January. Most of it is emotional and relationship based, and I'm
not ready to get into everything here in a Blog. But the side
effect has been that I am doing more. I am eager to start my new
TV show project, and also try other things. I am thinking
different, and trying different things. I am seriously considering
becoming a
background performer again. Many of you will know the term
"extra" more than the new friendly term. Being an extra in film
and TV was something I did a few years back, appearing - although
briefly in a few films. The only one where I can be made out is a
Jean
Claude Van Damme film where I am a man walking down the street.
You can also get a glimpse of my car. One of the best memories I
have of that filming gig, was that I was the guy who accidentally leaned
on prop window at SAM THE RECORD MAN, and it cracked. We had to
break for 2 hours while they replaced it. I remember accepting
blame, although friends suggested I run away and hide.
I've also done a few CBC TV shows, and an episode
of KUNG FU, the Legend continues. I was also in a
movie
theatre, two rows ahead of Rosie O'Donnell while filming some other
film, but you never see me. I did get a free BIG TURK bar to eat.
I only remember that, because I love
BIG TURK chocolate bars, and most people have never heard of them.
Hmm... I think I just may have figured out the fun
of writing a BLOG. IT helps me bring back memories. I had
forgotten how much fun being an extra was. When I did a search on
BIG TURK just now, I found a web site where people actually review candy
bars. How odd.
 April
14th 2003
One thing I did of note this past weekend was
watch HUDSON
HAWK. It's a film that the world has declared bad, much like
ISHTAR
and Last
Action Hero. I remember seeing it, and thinking it was funny -
but I know I was a kid, so I watched it again this week. It was
bad. Quite bad, but still enjoyable somehow. I've discovered
I can enjoy bad films because they're still entertaining and make me
laugh. I've even enjoyed most of the
Saturday Night Live alumni films... except the one Ladies Man.
I couldn't watch that.
THE FIRST 2
ENTRIES
April 9th, 2003
I've decided to start a blog, although I'm not
really sure what they are. Although I'm an Internet expert of sorts, I
have not really spent much time reading other people's blogs. This may
be an experiment that goes nowhere... but this week I've been deciding
to make some life changes. I'm nearing my 40th birthday and I guess
it's time to do the life evaluation.
I used to love writing, and then one day I kind of
stopped. Maybe this will help me start again. Actually, as I remember
it, almost all my writings (including SCRIPTS and BOOK, both available
on this web site) were created in school, while I was supposed to be
doing other things. Ever since I learned to type, I've hardly written
any creative work.
April 11th, 2003
So the BLOG idea didn't work out so well. Let me
explain who I am, and maybe it'll make more sense. I'm Jeff Goebel, and
when I was 27, a friend showed me a book about Attention Deficit
Disorder. Not much in my life has been the same since. A lot of things
made sense in my life. My failures were no longer my fault. While this
isn't the prime function of the book's teachings, it did help explain
why I'm so - blah much of the time. I can be exited about stuff, and
start a project like this, but I seldom follow up - or finish. Since I
still haven't really looked at other people's BLOGS, I still don't know
what is acceptable, and whether people even care. Do I divulge deep
secrets to the strangers that read my web, or do I just talk about my
day? Do I use it for therapy, or marketing. DO I seriously expect an
answer from my computer as I ask these questions? No. Attention
Deficit Disorder isn't the same as stupidity... it's just, awww...
nevermind.
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