I am sure that there are an awful lot of parents who are not quite sure how to tell their children how babies are born. This is a very delicate subject and it should be handled carefully. Children often get strange ideas about how babies can be picked up down at the local 5 and 10.

This, unfortunately, is not true. Try to explain babies have to be taken into consideration long before they actually arrive, sort of like "ordering" one. There is no 100% sure fire way of knowing exactly when your order will be completed or even if it will be accepted at all.

The orders are taken inside the bodies of women and take approximately nine months to be completed fro the actual "ordering" time. This form of child ordering is not as simple as going downtown to fill out a form or application. The process of ordering involves many hours with your wife, or girlfriend (for you crude types), so you can get to know her better prior to the ordering period. The order is then taken and if it is accepted, it is processed and the baby is manufactured and delivered about nine months later.

There are some speedy order houses which are considerably more expensive, but we'll get more into that some other time. I hope you find this a good way to tell your child the facts of life. If not, I have another descriptive paper available privately by writing to me. This one includes full colour pictures.

TOP / INDEX

THE BEGGAR

It was early in the evening and I was taking my usual walk through the park, passing all the usual bums and beggars that gather there, when suddenly someone new caught my eye. Me was certainly like no regular bum. I had to look twice, to make sure that my glasses weren't lying to me.

This beggar had built a big stand, similar to the type you see in movies that the mayors stand on when they are campaigning.

On the top, in large red flashing letters, read the caption:

MATTHEW BOBNOSE: DISABILITY IMPERSONATOR.

Out in front was placed a classy pop-top hat lined with silk. I walked around his stand a couple of times and finally inquired about his unique profession as a disability impersonator.

He assured me that this truly was his trade. "Yes sir, I do them all. Would you care to see a sample?" He asked.

I agreed to view a small bit, mostly out of curiosity To my surprise, the man began wailing and limping all over his stage. "This is my Leprosy act, sir. Pretty authentic, don't you think?"

I now felt obligated to drop some money into his hat as I'm sure was the plan. I left him 35 cents and quickly moved on leaving no further comment.

As I passed by the others, I could still hear him yelling in the distance; "WAIT! You haven't seen my Deaf Mute ... it's a killer. You'll love it!!"

TOP / INDEX

THE BELLY BUTTON CLUB

This well known club is probably the best club I have ever been associated with. Being an "OUTIE", I was of the minority, but at our meetings I was treated just as normal as anyone else. Not as an OUTCAST. They all made me feel right at home, even though I was one of the only OUTIES there.

There were rumours past that the Grande Belly might have been an Outie when he joined, but that he had had it surgically changed. Personally, I don't believe this. The operation was too costly even for the Grande Belly. I had last priced it around $40,000.

Whenever I leave the clubhouse after a meeting or a special dance, (belly dance, of course) I leave feeling like a real somebody. All through the week, whenever someone puts me down or insults me for being different, I don't mind. I just ignore it because I know I can talk about it to my friends and members at the next meeting of THE BELLY BUTTON CLUB.

TOP / INDEX

BLIND BUS DRIVERS

It was a real shock to me when I first was told that blind bus drivers were a reality. I could not believe that anybody would actually hire a blind person to be a bus driver. A taxi driver, maybe, but not a bus driver. Sure enough, when I went down to the BBDTC (Blind Bus Drivers Training Centre) to see how this phenomenon is worked, I actually saw people training blind people to drive.

I was simply amazed to see all of the new gadgets that had been invented to make the job easier. There were braille traffic signs and braille stop signals. I was told by an officer that these were still in the testing stages but as soon as a method was discovered to use them without having the driver stop, get out, and touch each sign, they would be put into operation. Currently, the seeing eye drivers are working out quite well. A sighted driver sits next to the blind driver and yells out commands like STOP, TURN, SLOW DOWN, etc.

In my opinion, the civil rights people have gone one step too far. I don't think I'll ever quite get used to being driven around town in a bus by a blind driver. I'm still adjusting to flying with blind airline pilots.

 

TOP / INDEX

MAGIC FOR THE BLIND

I was just remembering the time I went to see a magic show for the blind. It was in an old building on the main strip of my city, located next to all the porno movie theatres. I was only in that area to see what type of people go see these movies... strictly for reference of course. Ocasionally, I'd go watch one, just to see if there was anyone inside I knew. I thought it would be fun to catch them watching a dirty movie. When I realized one day that they would also catch me, I stopped going.

To get back to the topic at hand, magic for the blind, as I was walking down the street, a huge brightly coloured sign caught my eye. It read MAGIC FOR THE BLIND! ONE DAY ONLY! I thought to myself, what a waste of power to light up a sign with lights when it was aimed strictly for the sightless minority. I decided to venture out, and test a sample of this new art form. Unfortunately, I was not permitted to enter because I could see. This show was just for the blind.

This aroused my curiosity, so I went home and came back later for the evening show with my dog in a harness, disguised as a blind man.

When I was escorted inside, I was seated in a chair beside several other 'not-sees' who all looked quite comfortable and ready to listen to the show. To my surprise, when the show started, there was no magician at all, There was merely a voice over a loud speaker describing fantastic feats that were obviously impossible. All the audience assumed that the show was official and they loved every bit of it. The voice would describe vanishing a huge elephant under an ashtray and everyone would clap expecting it to be so.

Hopefully, this is one type of show that will not become a great success.

 

TOP / INDEX

THE BOWLER:

I like to watch people in embarrassing situations. I don't really know why. I guess it is just the way I am. I was at the bowling alley about a week ago and there was a league game going on. I decided to sit in and watch it, as I had never seen any real professionals bowl before. I had never seen a league game. The only reason I realized that this game was a league game was the big banner and the two dollar cover charge to watch it. I figured it was worth it. If I was to see some real good bowlers, I might pick up a few pointers that would help me with my game.

I chose a seat next to the home team bench. As the first bowler walked up to the ball return, the crowd cheered. This must be the best bowler on the team, I thought. She looked confident as she picked up her ball. She proceeded to stroll up to the diamond foul line and released it from her fingertips. Slowly it ran down the middle of the lane then suddenly for no apparent reason it jerked right in to the gutter. Embarrassed, the bowler turned around, red faced, and selected another ball. Again her fingers left the holes only to have it react in the same unusual fashion.

The crowd could not hold back their laughter, as this was supposedly their top player. I figured, if this is pro bowling, it isn't worth two cents.

Many people have bought calculators which were considerably more expensive when they were bought, than the new ones available today. The new calculators are now less than half the price and they do so much more than the simple mathematical equations the former ones did. Calculators now are so small they can fit on the faces of watches, so the question people are asking themselves is: "What do I do with this old thing?"

As a public service, I have put together a short list of uses for the older type of calculator which are now obsolete as far as using them for calculating goes.

My invaluable list is as follows:

• Wall ornament
• Writing bad words upside down
• Target practice
• Stylish decorative holder for batteries
• Something to throw during arguments
• Electric bathtub shock maker
• Pothole filler
• Breakfast for a bionic friend

Perhaps the best use, is as something to waste an entire page in a book like I just did. It works great for making your book look thicker even though its full of junky articles like this one.

TOP / INDEX

INSPECTOR CALVIN I

Here is a fun mystery that YOU can try to solve.

Inspector Calvin Mumphry is called immediately after a burglar alarm is set off in a building right next to the police station. Inspector Calvin tells the police commissioner to have the building surrounded, and then wait till he arrives. This is done in a matter of seconds. Inspector Calvin arrives shortly after from his cottage villa where he had spent the night. When he saw the situation present, he was outraged.

"YOU BUMBLING FOOLS!! YOU LET HIM GET AWAY!!" he screamed to the chief constable who apologetically tried to explain the situation as he saw it.

"Oh, no sir, there is no possible way for anyone to have escaped. We have had every single exit covered since seconds after the alarm was triggered."

This was true. It seemed that the entire police force had assembled and no exit was left unguarded. A remarkable stunt, considering the crime was on such short notice, with no warning whatsoever. At least, no warning that Inspector Calvin knew of. The force waited a full thirty minutes and was prepared to lob in tear gas.

"You are wasting your time, and the taxpayer's money! The crook you are waiting for has gotten away long ago," the Inspector persisted.

BUT HOW?

ANSWER: All the exits were immediately guarded and guarded well. However, the police force carelessly forgot to guard any of the entrances. The culprit simply exited backwards through one of them.

TOP / INDEX

INSPECTOR CALVIN II

Inspector Calvin was ordered to report to Hemsleys Department Store on the corner of Fifth and Elm Streets. He arrived shortly after and found six police cars parked outside of the four story building. Carefully, he edged his way through the crowds to a doorway clearly marked "Entrance Only."

Upon entering the building he was immediately taken aside by Phil, the store manager. Inspector Calvin and Phil walked down the narrow hallway to Phil's office, where the details of the crime were explained to the Inspector. Phil had to talk rather loudly to be heard over the blaring rock music in the background.

It seems that a huge ape rushed in the door, ran straight to the stereo counter where he picked up a two-thousand dollar system under one arm. Me then headed for the front door to make his exit. The chief security guard was standing directly in front of the electric doors, making it impossible for the ape to leave. To this, the ape pulled out a gun and shot the guard, not killing him but injuring him badly. Then the thief run off out the door.

"Would you like to speak with the guard, Inspector?", Phil asked.

"No, that won't be necessary, Phil. I have all the information I need, thank you. You are under arrest." Calvin replied.

The police then rushed in and took Phil away. They thanked Inspector Calvin kindly, and he left satisfied that he had solved another seemingly impossible crime... but how did he know?

Answer: The Inspector knew that Phil's story was partially untrue because anyone standing in front of an electric exit door is making it stay open and only a fool would do that. Also, an ape carrying a huge stereo system could not possibly "Pull Out" a gun from anywhere, unless of course it was an ape SUIT!

But how did he know that it was Phil who had been the one? If you remember back, the Inspector was called very quickly, and he arrived so quickly that Phil did not have time to change. He was still wearing the ape suit.

Another baffling case, solved by Inspector Calvin.

TOP / INDEX

MORE SOLVING FUN WITH INSPECTOR CALVIN

A major city bank had been robbed, and as usual the police were unable to turn up any clues. As always in a case like this, the phone call went out to Inspector Calvin, the man who could solve any crime.

After only a few seconds of searching, the Inspector found loose floor boards under the bank vault. He removed them, and discovered a tunnel. It seemed to be the perfect crime. For the first time, Inspector Calvin seemed baffled. The thief could have gone in any direction. There were hundreds of choices. The remainder of the police force was busy evacuating the city, so Inspector had to work alone and quickly.

Constable Boticins was requesting that the Inspector also leave the city, but Calvin would not evacuate until he had an idea who had taken the money. "I have never been stumped and I never will be," he insisted.

The constable persisted, "...but if you don't leave, you will be killed by the radiation in five minutes!!" Still the Inspector remained, claiming that he would stay till the very end. "I admire your courage sir, but it is a hopeless case," the constable pleaded. Finding his argument useless against the stubborn Inspector, he walked away, hurrying out of the city.

Reluctantly, after a full four minutes of nothing, Inspector Calvin walked weakly to the city evacuation bus. As he was almost out of the danger zone, it hit him.

He had found the thief: Can YOU??

ANSWER:

The answer is given clearly in the story. Read the last line again. "As he was almost out of the danger zone, it hit him. He had FOUND the thief."

The key word in this sentence is FOUND. Inspector Calvin had not solved the crime, but he had found the thief. As it clearly says above, it HIT him.

Literally, the body of the bank robber fell dead on top of Inspector Calvin. Obviously anyone who just robbed a bank would not want to evacuate with the money. They would be arrested immediately. The robber had stayed behind to count it. The sound of the police evacuation siren was probably mistaken as a search for him. The thief died of radiation.

It looked dismal for the Inspector, but his record remains unbroken, and he has solved every case he has taken.

Did YOU?

 

TOP / INDEX

HOW TO THROW A CAMERA AGAINST A WALL

Many people have come up to me while I am showering and asked me, "Hey Jeff, how do I throw a camera against a wall?" It gives me a great feeling of pride knowing that people feel they can bring their problems to me. And whenever possible I try to solve them.

This problem presented me with a slight challenge. I shut off the faucet and began to wonder. Exactly WHY would anyone want to throw a camera against a wall in the first place? After a few moments, I realized; for insurance benefits! This created a different problem. Now it was not just a matter of throwing the camera against a wall, but it had to be thrown in such a way so as not to look thrown on purpose, but rather accidentally.

I realized that seldom, if ever, something is accidentally thrown against a wall. Finally, I came up with the perfect answer which is not exactly throwing it, but a fair compromise.

"Drop it:" I explained, and then I turned back on the shower and continued with my business.

 

TOP / INDEX

CLEANLINESS FOR PIGS

One problem that has been much on the minds of many pig owners is: how to clean them up. Pigs have a well deserved reputation for being an extremely filthy breed. They are always seen lounging in the mud to keep cool, which would be fine if they would only learn to wash themselves up like cats.

The Research Department at CANADA SOWS has come out with a revolutionary device to solve this problem once and for all.

This is sure to please all those with pig pets. The top of the line model is a portable box which-works very much like a dishwasher does.

The dirty pig is led into the machine and it's head is pulled out of a hole in the end. When the machine is turned on, four powerful jets of water spurt out onto the pig, giving him/her a nice water massage while getting all the dirt off at the same time. This process takes only a few minutes, and if it is repeated regularly, the pigs will get so used to it they will be easy to train to use it even without your supervision. After all, pigs are supposed to be one of the smartest animals.

This new model will be available very soon in pet shops and farm supply shops everywhere. It will be sold under the brand name of: HOGWASH.

 

TOP / INDEX

WRITING IN THE DARK

Surprisingly enough, this has become one of America's (both North and South) favourite pastimes. More and more Canadians Americans and Mexicans, as well as Brazilians, are taking up writing in the dark as their chief hobby.

Naturally, writing in lightless areas requires a certain degree of skill, which can only be obtained through constant practice. The question is, how does the writer benefit? In actuality, they don't. Not one little bit. Writing in the dark is stupid! It's boring, dumb, and a complete waste of time. Only total idiots would attempt it. I hope I have not offended anyone by expressing my opinion, but lets get serious now: People who have this hobby should be put away into padded cells, well lit. Who ever started such a moronic hobby??

Writing in the dark - HA.

 

TOP / INDEX

DEATH

As a famous author 'once said, "Death is an acquired trait," and frankly, he was right. To me, Death is like a bath; once you get used to it, it's not so hot. Death is definitely a reality. It is the only thing in life that everyone has to do whether they want to or not. The only way to avoid death is to kill yourself.

What about the afterlife? What is there after you die? Many people claim there is nothing. Death is Death. Others say that Death is the real beginning. There is ample proof to satisfy either. The life after death issue is probably one of the most argued topics.

The believers say: "I've spoken to the dead," and to this the non-believers say, "Well, so have I."

The believers say, "Ya, but the dead spoke back to me," and the non-believers say, "Show offs!"

The arguments continue on like this and probably will forever. I guess we'll never really know until it's our turn and luckily I picked a high number at the delicatessen of life, so I'll be around for a long time yet.

 

TOP / INDEX

MR. DEPRESSION

There used to be an elderly man who lived on my street and the entire neighborhood was kind of relieved when he finally passed away. This man could take a cheery wonderful day, and fill it with morbid depressing thoughts with one sentence. We called him, Mr. depression.

If he was ever around while we were talking to our friends about winning a lottery or having a birthday, or falling in love, or some other happy topic, he would always come up and add his two cents worth by saying something like "My father died exactly four years ago" or "My cat was just hit by a car, she only has the use of her two front legs and she has to drag." Something like that certainly doesn't make your day.

The day I got engaged to my girlfriend, I rushed around happily telling everybody in sight. I should have known better than to tell Mr. Depression. He looked at me and told me his wooden leg has termites. Well our streets are finally free from his depressing sayings. We can all live happy undisturbed lives, although sometimes I still wonder if his mother really was bald.

 

TOP / INDEX

THE DO IT YOURSELF STORY

After reading this far in this book, you have probably realized that you got ripped off. You are probably thinking to yourself, 'THIS IS CRAP! I COULD DO BETTER MYSELF!'

This is probably true, but its a bit late now. You've already paid money for this book. You should have thought of that before. Anyway, if you really think you could do better yourself, try it out with my new "Do It Yourself Writing Kit" below. All you have to do is photocopy this page a few hundred times, and fill in the appropriate blanks with nouns, verbs, adverbs, and adjectives and you are well on your way to writing your own book to get published, so you can rip off a bunch of people just like I did.

The __(noun)__

One day last __(noun)__, I was __(verb)__, and noticed a __(noun)__. This was no ordinary __(noun)__, but rather different. This __(noun)__ had a __(adj)__ __(adj)__ __(adj)__ __(noun)__ sticking out from it's __(noun)__.

__(adverb)__, I __(verb)__ up to the top of it. From that height, I could see all around the __(noun)__, and I could even see the __(adj)__ __(adj)__ __(noun)__ which I had __(verb)__ to last year.

Just then, a (noun) wearing a (noun) (adverb) (verb) me up and (verb) me to (verb) I (verb) his (noun) (verb) him.

THE __(noun)__

 

TOP / INDEX

IF ALL THE WORLD WERE A DONKEY

We know that if all the world were a stage and we were the actors, then the sets would be extremely expensive. But, what we don't know is.... WHAT IF EVERYONE ON EARTH WAS A DONKEY? What would life be like? Perhaps the most sickening thought would be the realization that there would be no way to tell who had turned into a donkey or who has been a donkey all along.

Then what would happen to all the people who run the 'DONKEY RIDE; booths at the fair? They would be out of a job. They'd have to find work elsewhere.

Nobody would ever show up at the charity games of DONKEY BASEBALL because it would be dull. All the games would be donkey baseball.

The people who run the Burros at the Grand Canyon would find themselves unemployed. They would also no longer be the people who run the burros. They would be the burros who run the burros.

Just think of it. Tomorrow you could find yourself in the body of a mule. The insult "YOU JACKASS" would become as meaningless as saying, "YOU HUMAN!!!" What would you do? What could we do?

Bray I guess.

WHAT'S WITH RUBBER EGGS?

I could not believe it when I tried to crack my usual breakfast egg about a month ago, and it would not crack.

This puzzled me, as I have always tapped my eggs on the side of the frying pan to break their seal. I have never had any problem. However, this time was different. This egg would not crack no matter how hard I persisted. After tapping several extra times, I proceeded to throw the egg about the room, first on the floor, then later against the walls.

Each time, the egg remained un-shattered. I then went downstairs to the workshop to get a hammer, but again the attempt was in vain. I broke my chisel over it, dulled my hack saw on it and cracked my welder's anvil over it.

Continuing desperately, I took a couple of shots at it with my rifle, but unfortunately the bullets simply ricocheted off it and ended up smashing three of my kitchen windows.

By this time I was determined to crack this case. I was more amazed than hungry. Using the egg as a baseball failed, as did golfing with it. It seemed as though nothing would break this shell of armour. In a last fit of anger, I took it outside and strapped it to the bumper of my car and drove full speed into the side of my house. I am now sitting here in my semi-private room in a hospital, where I have been since that afternoon.

Scientists in the lab are still undertaking extensive studies of my egg and have not yet discovered a method of opening it. Oh well. .

 

TOP / INDEX

THE ELECTRONIC HOUSE

Last month, I visited the "Electronic House" for the first time. The title is given to this building for a good reason. It is truly the world's most electronically operated home. The tour costs almost nothing, and it is well worth it. The guide is a gorgeous blonde girl and she begins her tour in the house bedroom. By clapping her hands, the light fixtures are all activated and quiet music begins playing in the background.

From here we are transported via conveyor belt, to what is referred to as the "Universe's most modernized kitchen." I was surprised to find in its place a completely empty room. The guide simply whistled a special whistle, and instantaneously before my eyes the blank walls filled with new modern electronic fixtures and appliances. One of my favourites was the new liquid nitrogen freezer, which was capable of freezing foods in a matter of seconds. It would be great for ice at parties.

Next, we entered the main hallway and all of our coats were automatically removed and placed neatly in a closet. She explained to us that the central computer was activated by the sound of her voice and all she needed to say was "away" and the over-garments would be removed. I was almost ready to sign the papers and move right in. I am a generally lazy kind of guy.

But there was still more to see. In the next room, we were to experience a first in entertainment. There before us stood a huge six foot 3.D television screen. The guide turned it on and the entire crowd was awe struck at it's realness.

The show was an old-fashioned western type movie being performed before a live audience. The star, Robert Redford, was the Mayor and he was in a standing small town bar. Into the bar walks an original Mae West type of woman, and all of the heads in the bar turn. All the men start to whistle at her and several begin howling and drooling all over the bar counter.

The picture quality was so good, a few of the people in the tour found themselves performing like-wise. Robert stood up calmly and quietly told her to go away and never come back. The performance was moving and everyone loved it. We all began to applaud, and to our complete amazement, the lights went off, the music stopped, our coats were destroyed and the kitchen blew up. The guide smiled lightly and embarrassingly said, "You win some, you lose some."

 

TOP / INDEX

THE ELEVATOR

Recently, I went back to visit the local elevator. It had been months since I had last seen it and I felt it was time to renew my visit and see if there were any improvements. This elevator was no normal elevator. It traveled up and down like the conventional models but it also moved left and right and even diagonally in any direction desired. With it, you could travel to any one of the rooms in the 54 story building where it was located. This was really the only tourist attraction in our town.

It was designed five years ago by the man who invented the little steel and plastic tips that go on the ends of shoe-laces (called Anglets). It has no connection to his work with the elevator, but it is a fact to know.

When I arrived at the building, there was a long lineup with about two or three people in it. This was understandable, because the elevator was fascinating, but our town is quite small. I had been there before when as many as four or five people were waiting. The line moved slowly, but it was interesting to see the expressions of the people as they came out. Most looked to be pleased with what they witnessed.

Eventually my turn came, but to my astonishment, when I opened the door expecting to find the elevator, I instead found a washroom. Above the seat was a little green sign which read:

We are sorry, but due to expense, the elevator has been removed.

I left, and walked home depressed.

 

TOP / INDEX

THE EXPLODING FOOD

Extensive research has been conducted by the Association for the Prevention of Exploding Food, to try and stop this dismal reality. People all over the world are not eating their food; not because they are unable to, but because they are afraid to. Thousands have died of starvation and millions more are undergoing treatment in hospitals nation wide.

Scientists estimate that one in every ten thousand bananas is explosive, and one in every four raspberries is also dangerous. Many other foods are being tested right now but doctors agree that the exploding side effect is caused by some chemical reaction with some preservative added to foods. Seven of these doctors have since exploded.

This saga is truly urgent. If the entire world population was to hear about this, it could result in an earth wide hunger strike. Millions of farmers would be out of jobs. It could cause great panic in the streets. People would starve to death and soon an entire race would become extinct.

The risk is yours to take if you decide to. It's your choice. Either stop consuming food and die, or go for it and possibly blow up. One thing is for sure, it'll definitely clear up your sinuses.

 

TOP / INDEX

WHAT TO DO IF YOU FIND YOURSELF FALLING OFF A BUILDING

WARNING: Now is the time to read this! NOT as you are falling!!

I am assuming that you are now either standing or sitting on solid ground and that you have decided to practice preventative reading. You are probably thinking that you will never need to know what to do if you fall off a building, because you probably figure it will never happen to you. That is what everyone who falls off buildings say.

The best precaution you can take is to ALWAYS be prepared. You can never be 100% sure that you are not going to fall off the edge. People have been known to fall hundreds of feet even when they were quite positive they were safe - in a desert, for example. An earth movement could cause a huge cliff which could mean the end of your life: unless you are prepared for it!

The best way to be prepared is to wear a parachute at all times. They come in all colours and will soon be more expensive as the trend catches on. Another important tip is to call your lawyer right now and make out a will. Tomorrow could be too late. Even the best parachutes can't guarantee anything.

If you are already falling right now, then you are too late. You'll wish you had listened to me earlier. There is not much you can do and you have just wasted valuable time reading this paper. Tough luck!

 

TOP / INDEX

FUN PAGE? HA!

What is a FUN PAGE? How is it possible for any single page to be more amusing then any other? It isn't. If you tear out this page, I promise you that you will be able to have no more fun with it than if you tore out any one of the other pages in this book. There is nothing that this page can do that the others can't.

Basically, all pages are equally boring once you take away the words on them. A page is a page and cannot be physically fun. You can tear it up, crumple it, stamp on it, or throw it around, and all these things may seem to be fun, but actually, it is the action that is fun, not the specific piece of paper.

The real reason for putting this FUN PAGE in this book was to have a nude picture of a man and a woman on it, but, unfortunately, the publisher would not allow it. Too bad, that would have been a real FUN PAGE!! Oh, well.

 

TOP / INDEX

NO NAME PRODUCTS

These days, there is a fad that is sweeping the country. Companies are beginning to stop putting brand names on their products. More and more products are sold by their generic name only. I was lying in bed the other day, staring up at my authentic swastika poster with the slogan that says, "Uncle Adolf Wants YOU!!!" and suddenly I thought to myself, what if the no-name fad took over completely?

What would the world be like if nothing was called by brand names? The world would be in a panic. Products would not only lose their brand names, but also their decorative packages and package designs. Advertising would become useless. Products would be referred to by one-word generic names. There would be no way of telling a high quality item from a piece of trash.

The idea doesn't seem half bad at first. It would certainly lower the price of goods considerably. However, when we stop to think a moment, we realize that the no-name idea doesn't work too well when applied to books or records. This thought is what inspired me to entitle my book, "BOOK". Is it possible that some day all books could be titled like this?

After some time there is no doubt that a new phase will start, where the labels become even more generalized and products are packaged by groups. People will go to the store to buy FOOD or CLOTHES or FURNITURE and have no way of knowing what they have purchased until they get it home to open it.

I almost went hysterical thinking about it, but then I saw the poster again and remembered it was only a daydream, so I went back to sleep, this time thinking about what it would be like if hiccupping was illegal.

 

TOP / INDEX

THE DEPRESSION OF GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

Life is so depressing at times and I'm convinced that it is part of a world plot for a mass suicide at some pre-determined date in the near future. Most of the world's depression falls into the hands of one small group of people. These people have secretly planted in our minds thoughts which we will never get over. These people are the producer's of Gilligan's Island. They are the reason why the world is in such a mess.

Who would have imagined that such a silly stereo-typed show like that could have had such an impact on so many lives? A show that lasted so many years through the transition from black and white to colour, and even today is going strong all over North America in re-runs. This dumb show has driven hundreds of people to drink. Any why? All because so many questions were left unanswered for so long.

For years, people have asked GILLIGAN WHO??? What was his last name? When people sit down and think how many sickening episodes they sat through to try to find out if anyone ever referred to him as anything else, but alas, they never did.

I must have seen every show at least three times and still I don't know what the skipper's name was. I even wrote away to a newspaper for help. They didn't know either. The professor and he were never introduced as anything but "The Professor" and "The Skipper."

A lot of people expected to be relieved of these questions in 1976 when a remake of Gilligan's Island was aired. In this episode the castaways were to be rescued. I felt that finally I was to discover the answers to these silly problems.

I prepared myself on the couch, ready to watch, with my tape recorder on one side and my plastic BAR BAG on the other. I was determined to find out their names even if it killed me.

I sat through the first half of the program and suffered as the now much older actors tried to replay their parts of years gone by. The acting was as poor as ever, except the director had neglected to add the old familiar laugh track, which we have all come to know and hate.

Finally, the moment came . . the castaways were found, and brought ashore to be interviewed by the press. I pressed the play and record buttons on my recorder and waited in excitement. I could picture thousands of eager people nation-wide doing the same thing.

The announcer stepped up to the microphone and the camera zoomed in. He spoke, "I am standing in front of the seven survivors of the USS MINNOW, a small sailing ship which was shipwrecked many years ago. Could you explain the experience to our listening audience, Skipper?"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH H H H H ! ! !

 

TOP / INDEX

GNOMES IN YOUR SOUP

There have been several reports lately about people having seen gnomes in their soup. Gnomes, (pronounced NOMES) are little elflike creatures which were always assumed to be mythical (pronounced MYTHICAL) but now, due to their recent appearance in books and movies, they have been spotted all over the globe.

As of yet, there has been no concrete evidence to prove whether these sightings are true or not. The only photographs are naturally blurred and out of focus, as are almost all photos of unidentified objects. The only thing that scientists have to go on is the 32,000 sightings all across North America. Such a large number of sightings might actually persuade one to believe that there is a possibility that gnomes really exist, but when the statistics are examined more closely, it is discovered that 31,999 of those sightings come from one Jonathan Smorn, who is an established nomad bum. Even still, the sales of the three major soup companies have dropped 27% since the papers reported the sightings.

Experts are currently investigating the one odd sighting which comes from a woman who claims never to have met John, or read any of the articles about him, yet her claims seem to match his almost identically. She clearly saw a tiny gnome in her bowl of soup.

If you should happen to see any gnomes in your soups, or anyone else's soup, don't hesitate to call us. Many people think that gnome sightings occur regularly in restaurants where there is a great deal of soup served, but they are never reported because of the fears of being put into a mental home.

Naturally, if you do report a sighting, we can't guarantee that you won't be put away, but at least you will know you have helped solve the problem of gnomes in people's soups.

 

TOP / INDEX

THE HOLE

When I arrived home after a long hard day of pulling teeth, I discovered a huge 20-foot hole in the side of my house. Actually, I didn't notice it right away, it wasn't really until later when I was showering that I felt the draft.

I stepped out of the tub, covered myself with a HERS towel and proceeded to check it out. It was then that I noticed that I was dripping on the carpet, so I first dried myself off. Then, after putting my suit back on, I rushed into the bedroom where my wife Millicent was calmly reading the cartoons.

"Honey", I asked her. "Why is there a hole in the wall?"

To my surprise, her answer was normal and unexcited: "Is there?"

I briefly explained that there was a gigantic 20-foot hole penetrating both the first and second stories of our house and we could see right out it into the neighbour's yard.

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice," she said flatly, before returning again to her reading.

I sensed immediately that she was hiding something, but it was obvious that she didn't want to talk about it, and being the good husband that I am, I said no more about it.