BOOK! A No-name Generic Product

THE WASHROOM PATROL

Don't you just hate walking into a public restroom in a restaurant or ball park, and finding out that there is someone else inside too? You feel that they could be a spy or something, so you stall for time by pretending to just use the mirror or the sink until they have left. Then you enter your private stall, only to discover that the person before you was a little forgetful.

You try the next cubicle along, but it is even worse, so finally you decide on the first one again. After your stay, you reach for the paper only to find an empty dispenser, or worse, a single sheet dispenser filled with sandpaper. Quietly you try removing the sheets but with each one there is a loud slosh sound and you become paranoid that people can hear exactly how many you are using.

On your way out, another person enters so you feel obligated to wash your hands so as not to create a disgusting impression. After a quick rinse you discover that your only source of drying your hands is a stupid air blower, so you casually wipe your hands on your pants as you exit.

This type of experience could mean the difference between whether or not you are a repeat customer. For this reason, the Washroom Patrol has been formed. We are looking for a strong stomached individual to volunteer to travel around their neighborhoods checking up on all the public restrooms in their zoned areas. They will check for things that bother them and report them to the patrol.

In general, all stalls will be modified slightly to help please the public. Graffiti will be painted over in all but one stall left untouched for the perverts. The aim of the Washroom Patrol is to make your stay on the John a pleasant one instead of the dreaded one it usually is. We hope that someday people will be able to enter into any washroom, nation wide, with a feeling of confidence that they are not going to be sick when they see the inside. The fear of things like little kids looking up at you from under the door will dissolve.

Your job as a volunteer would be to help convert air blowers to soft paper towel dispensers and make sure that they remain filled. You will also be expected to check new un-patrolled restrooms for irritating features like spring-back faucets which make it impossible to wash more than one hand at a time in anything but very hot or very cold water. You will be asked to install auto flush systems where you feel it necessary and convert the walls to a new soundproof type our lab has developed. These new walls will eliminate those embarrassing PLOP sounds we know so well.

You will be expected to be on call 24 hours a day for paper refills or arrests of rude offenders without correct change.

We sincerely hope that you will see this problem and do your part to help us cut it down. In return, we have decided not to install the closed circuit TV cameras we were thinking about

Thank you.