Doris

By Jeff Goebel

Released into the public domain.

(The set is simple. An easy chair is situated centre stage with a magazine rack beside it. Hubby walks in and throws his coat to the floor. Then he slumps heavily into the chair. His wife enters the room for the unseen kitchen wearing her spoiled apron. She is carrying HUB’S slippers, a newspaper, a pipe and a cup of coffee. She slips the slippers on his feet, pops the pipe into his mouth, places the paper on his lap and puts the coffee on the magazine rack beside him. Then she exits without speaking, picking up his coat as she leaves. Hubby traces her actions with his eyes for a moment)

Hubby: (he calls) DORIS!!

Doris: (Off) Yes cupcake?

Hubby: Come out her please!

Doris: Just a second sweetums, I’m cooking dinner. I’ve made your favourite… LOBSTER… I bought eight on sale today.

Hubby: (Yells) DORIS! OUT!

Doris: (Enters quickly, wiping her hands) Yes dear.

Hubby: (Nice) What did you do today Doris?

Doris: (Sounding guilty) Nothing! Why do you ask?

Hubby: Do you have to ask? I can tell you are buttering me up.

Doris: (Overacting) Who me?!? Can’t I just bring you your slippers without causing suspicion? It’s only because I love you so much that I give you little surprises occasionally. (She hugs him)

Hubby: STOP IT! Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t say anything about you bringing me my slippers. I would normally accept it as a simple act of your never-ending affection for me, but today it’s different.

Doris: Is it the lobster? The newspaper? Can’t you accept them in the same way? As simple favours I do for you because I love you?

Hubby: Yes, the newspaper and the lobster are fine. You did say they were on sale, and I do love lobster. I think I would have been offended if you had not bought at least one for me. I see nothing peculiar about that. That’s what we got that new freezer downstairs for.

Doris: Then what is it? It can’t be the coffee. I bring you coffee every night.

Hubby: Right. I didn’t even think about the coffee.

Doris: And I have never forgotten your pipe. There is certainly nothing extra special about that today.

Hubby: Quite right. My pipe goes without saying.

Doris: I don’t understand. I can’t believe you just noticed my picking up your coat because I’ve been doing that since we got married.

Hubby: No no. I am quite aware that you do that for me every evening. And don’t think I don’t appreciated that either. I was just thinking the other day, we should buy a coat-rack so you wouldn’t have to do that anymore. No, that’s not it either.

Doris: (Going just a bit crazy) THEN WHAT IS IT?!?! How did you know I’ve been sleeping with another man?!?

Hubby: Ahh. Then you admit it?

Doris: YES! YES! I admit it! I’ve been seeing your friend Harold. How did you know? If it wasn’t the paper, and it wasn’t the lobster, or the pipe, or the coat, or the slippers then-

Hubby: AH HA! I never said it wasn’t the slippers!

Doris: Yes you did! You said that you could accept them as and act of simple affection.

Hubby: No I didn’t. My exact words were; “Under normal circumstances, I would not say anything about you bringing me my slippers.” But…

Doris: (Crazy) BUT WHAT?!?!

Hubby: I don’t own slippers.

Doris: (faints)

(BLACKOUT)