I can do that, I just can’t do that NOW.

I can do that… Really I can. I just can’t do that high, is what I really mean. However, if you ask me twice, I might confess that I just hate doing stuff… no, wait.

Oh High Hi… I didn’t see you come in.

pause.  Do I really want to go down this road? It’s only day two and already I am starting out with a play? A script.

Well. It was fun, wasn’t it?

Yes.

Then… why not. You like fun.

Not really.

What do you mnean? You don’t like fun?

I don’t like fun. I like the smiles it creates. I feed off the happiness of those around me as a … as a thing to watch and learn from. Like pretendng you know the lyrics and you only know the chorus so you mumble.  You can usually get away with it in a choir. It’s harder if your partner is mumbling too. To be honest, I’m not really sure I have fun. Let me reframe that.

I was gonna say —

The memories I save from my life seem to be filled more with the anxiety these days. Ever since a lady on the phone followed the humerous or tragic story of my diagnosis…es.

BAM. Thought sttrike.  I wonder if Tina would be the illistrator for my blog… so I could give up on Bitmoji. I love that Bitmoji Orange Jeff. I really do. It’s the absolute perfect character for the online me. I love how I have been able to creativly use him on web sites and emails and Facebook birthdays. I just really love my Bitmoji Orange Shirt Jeff

Since I was starting this blog fresh, with the idea of it being the one used to promote me. In real Jeff terms, the next in a long series of ways to stall sharing myself with pride AND confidence. I established I had learned confidence in who I am. I have pride in my mind, ideas and way of thinking. I have confidence and pride in how I speak, and… I am sticking to a relaxed and informal way of life until such time as my partner requires a different Jeff. I love to adapt to each chapter like a Chameon.

“hey Google. Can Chameons turn Orange?

Sorry, she doesn’t know shit. She parses poorer than my Infocom copy of The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy text adventure.

hey google. Who produced the computer game the hichikers guide to the galaxy.

It was Infocom. I was right the first time. It was pretty neat for me, because I’d started my fan loyalty for Douglas Adams from my very first day as an adult. My mother had convinced the owner of a Toronto business to hire me despite his reservations that I lived nearly 2 hours away in Georgetown.

Distraction Interuption. Incoming message froim two new friuends who are not friends but people who chatted. I may have spoiled it again. Fast.

I’m so selective in my word choice that it is a pride point over and over, except when high talking to women.

Nope. It went un notiuced, whatever it was.

OOH.  I had the idea that Orange Jeff in the … Oh.

CUT!  Stop recording.

What?

What are you doing? This is a live blog. You can’t just yell cut and split into different personalities like it’s some studio set.

Sorry. Had I mentoned the weed today was a brand new premium  – the man called it top shelf even if they didn’t bother to follow through with the illusion and put it any higher in the display case.

It had occured to me previously, but “ding” There is that Bell again.  I’ll get to it, and one day it’ll link to an explanation. It’s kind of like a mental .. well.

Start over. Breath.

I write in script form. I alwqays have. I may call it first person, but beyond that, my blogs seem to be monolgies of me talking. With the exceptions of a few of my blogs written when I was on that really scary, then wild then scary then wild drug by accident. We’ll get into that, but I feel like this is a good time to delicatly release another level of the story that may be a liine for you, and to stay on that side, you decide …

edit

I have secrets and this blog isn’t going to hide some really big ones. The first is that I am a dreug user. I admiotted to weed right away. The second level of that is that I have experience with some of the other drugs. If the idea of blogs written under the influence of various narcotics that you may not approve of…

Rip the bandage off.  SPOILER ALERT. I have tried almost all the drugs. You are free to believe the ones youre most upset by are the few I have not. These blogs need to be able to mention them because they are a major part of the story.

I will also be telling sex stories and sex and ddrug stories, although never quite teh stories you expect. I am unique and at age 51, I discovered what it’s like to like myself and feelworthy.

#feelworthy

I’ve forgotten where I am and what I was talking about, but I know I mentioned dabs somewhere so I might be excused.

End of this — Oh I remember.  I really liked yesterday’s page. I have smiles and optomism that I can move forward on this project.

Hmmm… Would this be a good time to start a list? You know you never do.

ha.  somehow I found myself doing 10 other things. I didn’t even notice. I just was over there.

oh well. end of this part.

I’m Jeff, I’m wearing Orange. and I approve this message.

march whatever.  3rd?

intermission