TOP TEN lines from the upcoming TNG episode,
“The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell”:
10) (Troi) I sense… indigestion.
9) (Picard) Don’t order the fajitas, Number One, they’ll go through you at warp nine.
8) (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free “Little
Orphan Annie” cup with any taco salad purchase, and I’m not leaving here till
I get one!
7) (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos!
6) (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by 27 percent!
5) (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings, Captain.
4) (Picard) You’re on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert.
3) (Riker) What do you mean you don’t serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican
restaurant is this?
2) (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain.
1) (Picard) When we get back on the ship and you have the conn, Number One, you’d better not queef on my chair!
The TOP TEN Favorite Activities of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
10) ordering Earl Grey tea from the computer, then smacking himself on the forehead and saying “I could have had a V-8!”
9) yelling “Punchbuggy!” and hitting Riker’s arm whenever he sees a shuttlecraft
8) screwing around in the holodeck when he ought to be on the bridge
7) spotlighting unsuspecting crewmembers with the glare from his forehead
6) lecturing everybody on why it’s rude to fire the phasers at other life-forms
5) sending crank subspace messages to Starfleet Command asking if Dick Hertz is there
4) asking Beverly Crusher to come to his quarters so he can show her “a REAL Picard Maneuver”
3) Ticking off Romulan commanders during tense confrontations in the Neutral Zone by asking “Are those Bugle Boy jeans you’re wearing?”
2) telling crewmembers in menacing, Dirty Harry voice, “Go ahead! Make it so!”
1) putting banana peels on the transporter pads just before an away team beams back up
The TOP TEN reasons why Riker won’t shave:
10) Hopes his beard will draw attention away from his constant silly smile.
9) He and Worf are having a beard-growing contest.
8) It helps hide the faint, hereditary birthmark on his chin that proves he’s a werewolf.
7) Hopes to look scarier to hostile aliens.
6) Starfleet has bridge personnel hair quotas and he’s trying to make up for Picard.
5) He thinks Troi finds it sexy.
4) (seasons 2 to mid-4 only) Didn’t trust himself to pick up a can of shaving cream because the temptation to go and spray it at Wesley was too great.
3) Wants to look more like his hero, Ming the Merciless.
2) Every time he does, Q makes his beard grow back in five minutes as a gag.
1) Picard won’t let him fire up his photon blade.
The TOP TEN upcoming episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation
(including a preview of the first TNG movie!)
10) Breeding Grounds – Organian frat boys replace the coffee normally served on the Enterprise with Folger’s crystals spiked with Klingon aphrodisiacs
9) Electro-Q-tion (alternate title: Q d’etat) – Q endows every Starfleet uniform on the Enterprise with permanent static cling; the Captain breaks the record for most shirt-tugging “Picard Maneuvers” in one episode
8) The Bonding II – Picard accidentally Crazy Glues himself to the table in his ready room
7) Deanna Does Pallas – while the Enterprise is on a mission in the Solar System’s asteroid belt, Counselor Troi’s Betazoid sex drive reaches its peak
6) Hell Hath No Fury – Keiko buries a machete in O’Brien’s back after finding him on the holodeck cheating on her with a computer-generated bimbo
5) Globular Mustard – an alien probe of unknown origin pulls abreast of the Enterprise, opens hailing frequencies, and asks, “Pardon me, do you have any Grey Poupon?”
4) Embroider at Needlepoint (alternate title: Prose-Q-ting Attorney) – Q puts humanity on trial again, claiming that it is a savage and tasteless race, introducing as evidence a really ugly sweater that Dr. Crusher knitted Captain Picard for his last birthday
3) The Funted – superior aliens seize the Enterprise claiming that they wish to study humans, but in a surprise ending reveal that the crew is really on Galactic Candid Camera
2) Out, Out, Damn Spot – Data’s cat gets onto the bridge and spits up a hairball on Captain Picard
1) Star Trek VII: Up the Creek – Wesley and three of his pals must win a river rafting race for Starfleet Academy
The TOP TEN signs that the Enterprise is crewed by Satan worshipers!
10) Ship’s food synthesizers make only deviled ham and deviled eggs
9) Most common Sickbay complaint is neck cramps from being possessed by demons that make your head spin around, like in “The Exorcist”
8) Picard refuses to take the ship to any point in either the Northern or Southern Cross
7) When the Captain’s Log is played backward, hidden messages advocating Satan worship and human sacrifice can be heard
6) A large cauldron, broomstick, and black, pointed hat are prominently displayed in Troi’s quarters
5) Communicator pin changed to magical pentagram shape
4) Riker obviously made a pact with the devil that forces women to be attracted to him despite his zero personality
3) Forty percent of all male babies born on the ship are named “Lucifer”
2) Universal Translator designed to handle speaking in tongues
1) Picard tried to have the ship’s name and registry changed to U.S.S. Beelzebub, NCC-666
TOP TEN secrets about the Enterprise and its crew
10) All routine maintenance on the ship is done by Oompa-Loompas
9) Dr. Pulaski was sealed alive in a seldom used Jefferies tube by Data after she insulted him one too many times
8) Riker’s parents were Nazis, his middle initial “T” stands for “Third”
7) Troi starts all counseling sessions with male crewmembers by asking “So, is that a phaser rifle in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?”
6) Before joining Starfleet, Jean-Luc Picard was a Chippendale’s dancer
5) “Worf” is Klingonese for “pinhead”
4) Riker amuses himself by signing all reports with the abbreviation “F. Off.”
3) Geordi is taking a shuttlecraft apart and mailing it home piece by piece
2) Picard is Wesley’s father
1) Due to a time travel accident, Wesley is Picard’s father
TOP TEN reasons Picard won’t fire the phasers:
10) He doesn’t know how.
9) He doesn’t want to succumb to crew pressure.
8) He doesn’t want to lose the women attracted by his sensitive side.
7) He doesn’t want to use the same effects as the old show.
6) Emily Post recommends not firing on a first encounter.
5) It saves energy.
4) He is on the holodeck pretending he has a life.
3) He is promoting a kinder, gentler Starfleet.
2) The other ship is probably carrying a relative of Tasha Yar.
1) What would his mother say?
TOP TEN worries of Capt. Jean-Luc Picard
10) Has to figure out at least a token punishment for Worf for killing a crew member who hid a tribble in Worf’s bed as a practical joke
9) The impulse engines have been making a funny noise lately
8) Crew refers to him as “Captain Chrome-Dome Retard” behind his back
7) That the voices in his head telling him to throw Counselor Troi out an airlock will become too insistent to ignore
6) Ensign Ro has introduced a strain of Bejoran V.D. into the Enterprise population that cordrazine won’t even put a dent in
5) Wesley might come to visit
4) Luwxanna Troi might come to visit
3) If he doesn’t get the pizzas to Starbase 141 within thirty minutes, they’re free
2) The way Data keeps reading “2001: A Space Odyssey” over and over again
1) Riker will keep turning down promotion after promotion and he’ll NEVER
be rid of the big dork!
TOP 10 WORST STARFLEET NAMES AND REGISTRIES
10. U.S.S. Answer NCC 42
9. U.S.S. Pickup NCC 52
8. U.S.S. Satan NCC 666
7. U.S.S. Friday NCC 13-8
6. U.S.S. Oldsmobile NCC 442
5. U.S.S. James Bond NCC 007
4. U.S.S. Rescue NCC 911
3. U.S.S. Ivory NCC 99 44/100
2. U.S.S. George Orwell NCC 1984
and the #1 Worst Starship name and registry
1. U.S.S. Beverly Hills NCC 90210
the TOP TEN Complaints of the Romulan Intelligence Agency
10) Federation keeps smuggling loads of “Coed Naked Parise’s Squares” T-shirts to Romulan universities
9) Every other officer is a clone of Tasha Yar
8) “Romulan” is an anagram for “unmoral”
7) Shoulder pads on our new uniforms are so big we look like a Vulcanoid version of the Green Bay Packers
6) Comissary at Agency HQ serves watered-down Romulan ale
5) Ever since we blew up our own Vulcan invasion force, it’s been impossible to get volunteers for the next one
4) name “Enterprise” sounds suspiciosly like Romulan phrase “enn t’rp reis” meaning “your mother sucks eggs”
3) All of Sela’s big plans work about as well as lead balloons
2) Stole the blueprints for the Federation’s proposed Escher class starship, but can’t make head nor tail out of them
1) $800 million credit cloaked surveillance satellite in Earth orbit was supposed to moniter Starfleet HQ, but only picks up MTV instead
TOP 10 Problems Wesley Crusher has at the Starfleet Academy
10. Keeps bumping into doors that don’t open for him
9. Doesn’t have his Mommy to protect him
8. Will not get his credits in Transporter Science after he accidentally
relocated the Academy to South Pole
7. Boothby “accidentally” spraying water on him every chance he can
6. Letters from Hugh G. Rection
5. Former Nova Teammates putting anti-matter in his bed
4. Thought his instructors were kidding when they said “You think you are
so smart? YOU teach the damned class!”
3. Academy Internet node does not carry alt.sex newsgroups
2. The commencement speaker will be the Captian of the Boseman
and the number one problem for Wesley Crusher at the Starfleet Academy:
1. He never gets to save the Academy from destruction
TOP TEN lines you’ll never hear on Star Trek: The Next Generation
10) Worf: Klingons do *not* play tiddlywinks!
9) Picard: It’s too bad we don’t live in an enlightened, civilized era like they had in the twentieth century.
8) Geordi: Did you hear Wesley almost got kicked out of the academy again?
They caught him smoking pot!
Data: (looks puzzled) Pot? (brightens) Ah. Marijuana – a narcotic
obtained from the hemp plant. Cannabis. Weed. Mary Jane. Grass.
Reefer. Panama red…
7) Troi (to someone she is counseling): You’ve obviously mistaken me for someone who cares! Now get out!
6) Worf: Ouch! I got a paper cut!
5) a Starfleet admiral: Don’t worry about it, Picard, there’s plenty of other ships in your quadrant.
4) Riker: Not tonight – I have a headache.
3) Worf: Do we have to beam down right now? The Smurfs are on subspace T.V.!
2) Geordi: We’ve modified the warp coils by reversing the polarity of the inverse geometric phase integrator and adding a broad-band neutrino flux generator to the hyper-magnetic field controls.
Riker: What will that do?
Geordi: Not a damn thing, but it sure as hell *sounds* impressive!
1) Picard: Oh, screw the hailing frequencies. Fire all phasers!
TOP TEN T-shirts worn by members of the Enterprise crew
10) (Wesley) Starfleet Academy Funnel Team
9) (Riker) Play Jazz Naked
8) (Worf) Klingons do NOT wear funny T-shirts!
7) (Picard) Make it so!
6) (O’Brien) Beam THIS up!
5) (Data) Cochrane’s equations
4) (Wesley) Hard Rock Cafe – Tau Ceti
3) (Geordi) Wanna see my dilithium crystals?
2) (Riker) My Captain got assimilated by the Borg, and all I got was this lousy T-shirt!
1) (Picard) Starship Captains do it at warp speed!
TOP TWENTY surprise plot twists in upcoming TNG episodes
20) Worf signs his son Alexander up for ballet lessons
19) The distress call they have been answering is a prank Wesley sent from the Academy
18) Guinan removes her hat, revealing that she is a Saturday Night Live style Conehead
17) Picard beams down
16) All of Geordi’s lines are in words of two syllables or less, with no pseudo-scientific doubletalk
15) Troi runs amok with a machete
14) Barclay is really the Captain; Picard is just an ensign, and all of his “command” has been a holodeck simulation
13) No guest stars are relatives of Tasha Yar
12) Geordi gets a woman
11) Riker *doesn’t* get a woman
10) Data states that he cannot use contractions after using one in the previous scene, and the fabric of the universe, unable to withstand the continuity error, is rent asunder
9) Picard wakes up muttering “there’s no place like home”
8) Riker accepts command of another starship, the U.S.S. ZZ Top
7) Ten Forward is turned into a strip-joint, with its lead act being Beverly Crusher as “The Dancing, Disrobing Doctor”
6) Tired of not being sure whether he is a lieutenant or a chief petty officer, O’Brien beams the entire bridge crew into a black hole and assumes the rank of Captain
5) Picard fires the phasers
4) “Prime Directive” is the word of the day, entire crew goes “Aaaaahhhhh!!” at the top of their lungs whenever it is mentioned
3) Data’s cat, Spot, is revealed as a Romulan spy
2) Wesley is affected the same as the rest of the crew, and a no-name security guard saves the ship
1) Picard switches from Earl Grey to Nestea Instant Tea Mix; does “Nestea Plunge” into swimming pool on holodeck
TOP TEN command decisions Captain Picard has to make
10) Should he send Wesley an FTD Pick-Me-Up bouquet?
9) How big a tip to leave in 10-Forward
8) Should he open hailing frequencies or beam over a nice Hallmark card instead?
7) Stock up on minoxidol or turtle wax?
6) Whether or not to have easy-listening music played in the turbolifts
5) Should he put Spock on his Christmas card list?
4) Whether or not to have Data’s cat neutered
3) Whether or not to have Commander Riker neutered
2) Bud or Coors?
1) Keep matter/antimatter warp engines or switch over to natural gas?
TOP 10 WAYS TO TELL YOUR ROOMMATE IS A BORG
10. Their clothes are always black
9. The $50,000 phone bills
8. They spend 3 weeks in Florida and still look white
7. Your home entertainment center disappears, two days later they are wearing it.
6. TV reception gets poor when they walk by
5. They spend more time reading newsgroups than you do
4. Whenever you talk to them the laser on the side of their head blings you
3. An electronics store chain used them as a mascot
2. They assimilate all your food
and the number one way to tell if your roommate is a Borg
1. Everything is irrelavant
TOP TEN WORRIES OF WORF
10. Someone will discover that he really CAN’T read.
9. His secret computer disk of nude Klingon female gifs will be found.
8. One of his superiors will actually listen to his security advice and it will turn out to be useless.
7. On her next visit Lwaxana Troi will get the hots for him.
6. The Klingon/Human treaty will break down and he will have to rejoin the Klingon fleet and serve with REAL warriors.
5. Klingon opera will become the latest human musical fad.
4. Because of his successful delivery of Keiko’s baby Dr. Crusher will make him the ship’s midwife.
3. When he dies he will have to serve with the Pink Fleet instead of the Black Fleet.
2. Riker will get the hots for a Klingon woman and ask him for advice on technique.
And now, the NUMBER ONE worry of Lt. Worf:
1. Alexander will throw up on him in public.
TOP 10 Songs Jean-Luc Picard will NEVER sing
10. Dark Side of the Moon
9. Stayin’ Alive
8. Louie Louie
7. Over the Rainbow
6. Theme from “Shaft”
5. My Girl
4. Mr. Tambourine Man
3. anything by Elvis
2. I’m Too Sexy
and the Nummber one song Jean-Luc Picard will never sing
1. Rubber Biscuit
TOP 10 SUBJECT HEADINGS YOU’LL NEVER SEE HERE
10. Enterprise vs. Red Dwarf–Who would win?
9. I have *NO* theories about “Time’s Arrow”
8. TNG/Simpsons Crossovers
7. Dr. Pulaski–what a babe!
6. Patrick Stewart on “American Gladiators”
5. What’s the name of the Vulcan homeworld?
4. The Bozeman crew is the most intelligent in Starfleet–ever
3. Lynch’s Spoiler review: “Sex Trek, The Next Penetration” (apologies Tim)
2. Admiral Wesley Crusher
and the number one subject heading you will never see
1. A SERIOUS Top 10 List
TOP 10 REASONS PATRICK STEUART WAS VOTED MOST BODACIOUS MALE
10. The forceful way he says “come”
9. To annoy the hell out of Johnathan Frakes
8. Everyone voted for him as a goof
7. That really tight uniform
6. Most attractive older man on television since Ricardo Montalban
5. Wil Wheaton no longer on show
4. A TNG fan hacked TV Guide’s computer and changed the results
3. All the “90210” fans were at the mall when the polling took place
2. Mistaken for Right Said Fred
and the number one reason Steuart was voted most bodacious male
1. His bald head makes him look like a giant er, uh, you know.
Top 10 reasons to retire the original crew for good.
10. It’s time to stop the meaningless slaughter of Tribbles for William Shatner’s toupees.
9. Commissary on board doesn’t serve Slim Fast.
8. Bones has finally realized, “I’m a doctor, not an actor!”
7. Spock has joined Robert Bly’s men’s movement.
6. Klingons and Romulans get a better offer to become Flygirls on “In Living Color.”
5. Enterprise power source discovered to be Folger’s crystals.
4. Alien babes don’t kiss like they used to.
3. Crew doesn’t like plot of next movie — “Star Trek VII: Federation Family Feud.”
2. We can’t take much more of this, Captain!
And the No. 1 reasone to retire the crew…
1. Kirk to Enterprise: “I’ve beamed down and I can’t get up.”
TOP 10 REASONS SCHOOL EXCUSES
10. The Borg assimilated my PC
9. I was captured by Romulians–lukcy it was Sela which made escape easier
8. An energy being posessed my body and made me drive it to the beach
7. I’ve been caught in a causality loop since Tuesday
6. An alien probe made me live someone else’s life all day, sorry
5. Had to stay at the state inspection site until my car passed its dechyon, tachyon, and positronic emissions tests
4. I’ve been out of phase–whenever I tried to type my fingers went through the keyboard
3. Was driving home when I got hit by the U.S.S. Bozeman
2. I’ve been sick the Cardassian Flu
and the number one reason I posted late
1. I forgot (honest!)
TOP 10 REJECTED PPLOT RESOLUTIONS FOR “TIME’S ARROW”
10. Commander Sela appears and says this has all been a Romulain plot to get back at Data and Picard. Given Sela’a track record, Data and Picard escape with the help of Samuel Clemons.
9. Guinan finds out who the [bad] aliens are and suggests they try the Borg
8. Thanks to a hidden message in a Sam Clemons essay, Kirk, Spock, et al choose 1895 as the time to get whales and gather up the away team. Then at Picard’s insistence, are given passage on the U.S.S. Bozeman.
7. Somehow, Montgomery Scott gets involved and beams the away team through time. A 900 number is set up so fans can vote for the young or old Scott
6. Picard finds a young inventor who has made a time machine–Tim Esarrow
5. Starfleet investigates when it realizes that the hippie movement of the late 1960s can be attributed to decaying positron emitter under Height- Ashbury
4. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy see the Starfleet Logo in a Sam Clemons book while they are in 1930s New Jersey. They use the rock thing in “City on the Edge or Forever” to go back to 1895 and get them.
3. Two words: Wesley Crusher
2. One letter: Q
and the numbver one reject plot resolution for Time’s Arrow
1. Picard wakes up and discovers everything since “Darmok” was only a dream
Top Ten Reasons Why They Don’t Use the Restroom Part V.
10. Too many people kept falling out of the shuttle bay.
9. Data still cant figure out what that protrusion is for.
8. The women aboard still have this feeling that Riker is nearby every time they have to go.(See Part II).
7. After all of that prune juice I still don’t see how Worf can hold it all these years (See Part I).
6. Geordi tried, but going out the window at warp speed is not a good idea.
5. How do you think Guinan makes that Omnicron Beta Sunsplash drink.
4. Lt. Barclay really does it in the holodeck.
3. Every time they(the red shirts) would ask Kirk, he would take them down to the surface. And they would go(in their pants) before they got killed by the monster.
2. Now we know why Kirk is always tense in the dramatic scenes.
And the number 1 reason why they don’t use the restroom*********
1. Everyone is collectively saving it, to convert it into a hairpiece
Top Ten new / unused plot lines for upcoming sixth season episodes of ST:TNG:
10.) Season opener: Picard and crew chase after Data now riding horseback through Sleepy Hollow.
9.) Wesley visits the Enterprise from the Academy: Since his Colbert-star fiasco he “can’t get dates”.
8.) Food replicators malfunction – the only working pattern is for “spam” (Incidents of cannibalism break out throughout the ship).
7.) Alexander follows Worf around the ship with a pot, banging him on the head yelling, “Not the mama! Not the mama!”.
6.) Riker put on trial for violating the Prime Directive when it is learned he taught the J’nai to play “strip poker”.
5.) The Borg invade Starfleet’s Central Information Net. Data devises a plan to announce that a public XXX ftp site is up at borg.starfleet.hq: the Borg are brought to a halt in minutes.
4.) Troi’s mother visits the Enterprise. Complains that there isn’t a good nurse to be found.
3.) A freak wormhole blasts Montgomery Scott to the 24th century, and robs Geordi’s prosthetic vision. Scotty later restores Geordi’s vision when he realizes he put on a barette by mistake.
2.) Alexander is made an acting ensign.
TOP 20 USES FOR DATA’S DETATCHED HEAD
20. Combonation paperweight/stapler for Picard’s desk
19. The ball in Parisis’ Squares
18. Hood ornament for Shuttlecraft
17 Replace Troi’s broken Chia Pet
16. Scare blind students in Braille class
15. Prop open doors for maintainence crews
14. Lawn decoration in Arboreteum
13. Footstool for Captain’s chair
12. entertaining kids in day care puppet show
11. Scare Alexander into doing chores
10. Send to doctor that killed Crystalline entity as gag gift
9. Decorative air filter in picard’s fish tank
8. Send to Starfleet Android research center so they can get “ahead” in research
7. Trade to Ferengi for Star Trek Hologram cards
6. Two words: tether ball
5. Keep Worf’s coffee table from shaking
4. Centerpiece in Ten Forward buffet
3. Donate to Starfleet Academny to be head of the class
2. Use as nutcracker at Christmastime
and the number one use for Data’s detatched head
1. Prove to insuracne company he died so crew can collect on his life insurance policy
TOP 10 RECYCLED PLOT ELEMENTS IN “TIME’S ARROW”
10. Data playing poker
9. people being out of phase with everyone else
8. Visitng San Fransisco in the past
7. Using Data as equipment
6. Picard wanting to rush out and solve a mystery
5. Displaying Data’s ddetatched head for dramaitc effect
4. Picard and Guinan having one of those conversations we are all clueless about
3. The Enterprise being summoned to Starfleet Academy
2. The idea that somone in the crew is dead when they are not
and the number one recycled plot element is
1. A two-part cliffhanger that drives you nuts all summer
THE TOP TEN REASONS WORF CONTTINUALLY GETS BEAT UP:
10. Those pesky humans had *bugs* in their necks!
9. Heavy makeup makes movement cumbersome.
8. Only ever gets a good workout on pod-inseminating creatures.
7. Didn’t get enough sleep ’cause he was up playing poker all night.
6. Partakes in too many bizarre Klingon rituals.
5. You expect a big Klingon to over-power a little old android?
4. Would rather crush an Ensign.
2. He didn’t pump up with Hans and Frans.
1. “A true warrior does not trifle with research ships.”
TOP 10 THINGS FOR AWAY TEAM TO DO IN 1895
10. Riker–acquire hundreds of pounds of gold and bury it where his home will be in Alaska.
9. Picard–stock up on French wine and caviar
8. LaForge–disregard the prime directive and help Thomas Edison invent the tricorder
7. Troi–stock up on all that terran chocolate
6. two words: earthquake insurance
5. Riker–invent the condom so there won’t be any Riker Juniors in the 20th century
4. Data–Learn comedy from then-child comedian George Burns
3. Convince Samuel Clemons to stay in his time
2. Warn Guinan about Borg and the number one thing for the away team to do in 1895
1. Get back to their time so O’Brien can leave for Deep Space Nine
TOP 10 MYSTERIES OF STAR TREK
10. Why are Geordi’s best freinds and android and a Borg?
9. How come after 73 episodes of TOS, 6 movies and 126 episodes of TNG– we have yet to see a bathroom or somone using it?
8. Whatever happened to all those planets Kirk visited where he violated the prime directive?
7. Why would any TOS character want to appear in a TNG episode with the title “Relics”?
6. How come the cast of TNG sued to stop blooper reels but not “Cost of Living”?
5. Why does the Enterprise have a French Captian with an English accent?
4. Who was Leonard Nimoy buying the 5 Shuttlecraft ornaments for anyway?
3. How come Starfleet can make something sophisticated as the Enterprise
yet still not get Picard’s uniform to fit right?
2. Why are the Romulains still putting up with Sela?
and the number one Mystery of Star Trek
1. If they really do read the newsgroups, what do they think of my lists?
TOP TEN REJECTED MIDDLE NAMES FOR WILLIAM T. RIKER
and the number one rejected name for William T. Riker:
TOP 10 *LEAST* USED LINES BEGINNING WITH “KLINGONS DO NOT…”
10. Wear white socks with a business suit
9. Serve red wine with fish
8. Serve white wine with gach
7. invest all their money in high-yield CDs and municipal bonds
6. steal towels from hotels–they acquire extra drying materials
5. drive Volvos
4. Grade a comic-book “mint” when it is only in “very good” condition
3. do not “do” lunch
2. argue about existential poetry in beatnik dives over expresso at 2 AM
and the number one least used line…
1. Klingons do NOT read silly top 10 lists!
The top ten most pointless posts to rec.arts.startrek.current
10. How can Data speak French (R.I.P.) with all those contractions?
9. This is my personal theory on …
8. Worf/Picard/Data/Riker is a wuss/robot/slave/pig!
7. Troi/Beverly is hot/not-so-hot!
6. STTNG is not as good as …
5. Alexander/Lwaxana must die!
4. I heard a rumour from my cousin who’s the hairdresser of …
3. That episode sucked!
2. I agree.
and *the* most pointless post of all is
1. Here’s another top ten list …
TOP 10 RESAONS FISH HEADS ARE BETTER THAN KLINGONS
10. They smell better
9. They use less uniform material and living space
8. They don’t have a lot of rituals that get in the way of things
7. They are natural Tribble repellant
6. A fish head didn’t kill Kirk’s son
5. They don’t have a difficult language, (or any)
4. Borg *will not* assimilate them
3. Romulains do not hate them
2. They are a lot easier to film and do make-up on
and the number one reason fish heads are better than Klingons
1. Fish heads are never seen drinking cappachino with romulains plotting to
overthrow the Klingon Empiree ew
TOP 10 UNUSED PLOT LINES FOR THE COMING SEASON
10. Q turns the entire crew into house pets.
9. Wesley returns from the Academy just in time to save the Enterprise from certain destruction. Deanna throttles him because it was HER turn to save the show.
8. TV producer thinks Riker’s goofy looks and cheesy pick-up lines are hilarious. Offers him his own late night talk show.
7. Geordi gets a date.
6. Deanna grows another head! Psychobabble now twice as annoying.
5. Enterprise purchased by short, Texas billionaire. NCC-1701-D is renamed “The Perotmobile.”
4. Data joins a travelling Chippendales club as the “anemic stripper from Eroticus IV.”
3. Beverly develops a virus which regenerates human hair. Picard becomes a spokesman for Hair Club for Men.
2. Guinan reveals that she’s really Dr. Ruth.
1. Lwaxana and Alexander hijack the saucer section. Spend rest of show swooping the drive section and terrorizing Barkley.
TOP 10 SIGNS THE ENTERPRISE HAS PICKED UP A BAD AMBASSADOR
10. Beams aboard with a bunch of crates saying “don’t worry about food, I brought my own”
9. Casually asks for a lot of technical information and if by any chance they are going near the Neutral Zone
8. They become attracted to Troi
7. Keeps playing “pull my finger” with Data
6. Complains to Dr. Crusher about the poor quality of replicated blood
5. Spends a lot of time in the holodeck with Barclay’s programs
4. Someone accidentally bumps into him and half the crew mysteriously slips into a coma
3. Asks Alexander if he’s ever watched Gladiator movies
2. Inquires about Federation laws regarding paternity suits
and the number one sign the Enterprise picked up a Bad embassador
1. When they zoon in the embassador for more than 3 seconds in the opening
Top Ten Reasons Captain Picard is Voting for Bush
10. Clinton has too much hair.
9. Barbara reminds him of his dear Maman.
8. Loves a good mystery — like searching for Bush’s economic plan.
7. Would also rather discuss war in Bosnia than fight.
6. Both have goofy second-in-commands.
5. Pro-life. Having unwanted children on the Enterprise makes a good plot device.
4. Enterprise obviously a product of high military spending.
3. Picard is a Texas Rangers fan.
2. Who needs an environmental policy when you have a holodeck?
1. Spelling of potato changed in early 24th century. Quayle was a genius ahead of his time!
Top Ten Reasons Riker’s for Clinton
10. Heck, Clinton gets the girls.
9. Pro-choice. Wishes Wesley was aborted.
8. Wouldn’t mind “doing” Hillary.
7. Likes name “slick Willie.” (Unfortunately, several of the female
crew members have been referring to Riker as “quick Willie” if ya know
what I mean.)
6. Doesn’t much like his father either.
5. Riker never went to Vietnam.
4. Thinks of himself as part of “cultural elite.”
3. Troi likes Clinton — ’nuff said.
2. Riker identifies with Democratic Jackass.
1. Both Riker and Clinton can’t play music worth a damn.
Well, to be fair, here’s half a top ten list for that
Top Ten Pranks at Q University
10. Melting Professors!
9. Getting the answers to the final exam *before* the test is even written!
8. Changing the gravitational constant of the universe during football games.
7. Rewriting history during lecture, confusing the professor to no end.
6. Disassembling universes and rebuilding them in friends’ dorm rooms.
5. Creating partial vacuums in people’s underwear.
4. Going to the prom *as* your date.
3. “Inside-Out Day” — not your clothes, your body!
2. Interdimensional panty raids.
1. Replacing the fine coffee they usually serve with dilithium crystals!
TOP 10 STAR TREK RIPOFFS OF KNIGHT RIDER
10. A “sweeping” red light bar is installed on the front of the Enterprise.
9. Geordi installs Turbo Boost on the warp engines.
8. The Enterprise docks inside a starbase that looks like a large black semi.
7. Picard starts wearing a black leather jacket and talks to the computer through his watch.
6. The ensign of the week has a horrible accident and requires plastic surgery. Dr. Crusher performs the operation, and recreates his face to that of Wesley’s.
5. Another Galaxy class starship with a mind of it’s own tries to kill off the Enterprise, but fails. Twice.
4.It is revealed that the Enterprise doesn’t need shields because of it’s gamma welded shell.
3. Geordi has fantasies about Bonnie on the holodeck.
2. We see a lot of buttons on Worf’s panel that are never used, but still look neat.
AND THE NUMBER 1 STAR TREK RIPOFF OF KNIGHT RIDER:
1. The Enterprise is painted black and gets a set of T-tops.
TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD AT A TNG WRITER’S MEETING
10. “Playmates says they want another race of aliens for the toy line–make one up”
9. “One more reference to Kei & Yuri and I’m going to hurl”
8. “Lets spin the wheel of plots…”
7. “So what if it contradicts something said in the first season–nobody is going to notice”
6. “I don’t care if the astrophysicist says we are wrong, who is writing this show anyway?”
5. “Want to call Nichelle Nichols and see if she wants to appear?”
4. “Hey, think any of those fan scripts in the warehouse are any good?”
3. “Oy, another contest winner, give them a line or two like normal”
2. “It’s a tender love story about Barclay falling for a shy Betazed Medical officer, so what can we have threaten the Enterprise?”
and the number one thing overheard at at TNG writer’s meeting
1. “Well they never said we *couldn’t* use a transporter for that”
TOP 10 NEW STAR TREK TOYS FOR CHRISTMAS
10. “Borg Adapter Kit” Longing for Locutus? This handy little kit will allow you to assimilate any of your action figures
9. “Play-Doh Food Replicator and Cloning Facility”
8. “Borg Ship” with assimilation area and places to put disassembled parts of your other toy ships. Spend hours of fun threatening the galaxy
7. “My First Tricorder”
6. “Holodeck play set” You two can recreate all those great holodeck program backgrounds and costumes (sold separately). Comes with Lieutenant Barclay action figure. (Some programs may not be available to minors)
5. “Screwed-up timeline Series” Yep, all your favorite time travel episodes”
A. U.S.S. Bozeman play set (with Captain Bates action figure)
B. Enterprise-C play set (with Captian Garret action figure)
C. Unification Play set (with Sela and Pardek action figures)
D. Time’s arrow Play set (complete with Data’s head, two pocket watches, the snake cane, and Mark Twain action figure)
E. U.S.S. Jenolan play set (With Mr Scott action figure)
4. “Deanna Troi Chocolate Factory”
3. “Kill Wesly Play Set” Now you can finally do all those things to Wesley Crusher you wanted to see on TV! Comes with “Crash Test Dummy” Action figure of Wesley Crusher (Crash test Alexander sold separately)
2. “Shuttlecraft Bay of Doom Play Set” With falling barrels, crates of leaking/unstable explosives, defective airlock, plasma fire, and an unstable gateway to another world.
and the number one Star Trek Toy this Crhistmas:
1. A fully functional Phaser
(I know I’d buy one!)
Top Ten Changes If Worf Were Jewish
10. Mother’s constant reminders that “you could shoot your eyes out with one of those things” explain why Worf is a lousy shot.
9. Knows he could be second-in-command instead of that WASP Riker if Star Fleet didn’t have secret quota system.
8. Worf’s appearance demonstrates stereotype of Jews having large foreheads and bumpy “horns” on heads.
7. Only Klingon that won’t eat Gach because live worm-like things aren’t kosher.
6. Worf’s full name is “Worf Ben-Mogg.”
5. Worf wasn’t in the first few episodes of this season as they coincided with the High Holidays.
4. Worf lives by his personal credo — “I am a honorable Klingon warrior who just happens to identify with Woody Allen’s characters!”
3. And you thought Deanna’s mother was overbearing!
2. “Ethics” episode would have contained the lines: “Fine, don’t kill me. I’ll just lie here and suffer. Oy! I’m suffering! Am I suffering enough for you yet? I’m in pain. Are you satisfied? (etc.)”
1. What kind of name is “Alexander” for a nice Jewish boy?
Top 10 Advantages of Riker’s Beard
10. Definitive removal of resemblance to James T. Kirk (except perhaps in the paunch)
9. Useful for hiding double chin which normally accompanies paunch
8. Proof positive that he has more hair than Picard
7. Great for catching leftover qagh (Klingon live spaghetti worms) and saving for later snack
6. Bristly feel of beard helps repel Lwuxana Troi
5. Easier to blend into Klingon environment when need arises
4. If he didn’t have one he’d have to play strip poker with Dr. Crusher, which would expose paunch
3. Hides glass chin which kept getting punched out during the first season
2. Saves money on shaving cream
And the number 1 advantage of Riker’s beard:
1. It keeps the directors so distracted, they don’t muck about with his lines
TOP 10 THOUGHTS GOING THROUGH MONTGOMERY SCOTT’S HEAD
10. “I save them and all I get is a shuttlecarft? I should’ve asked for the engineering section”
9. “If we are at peace with the Klingons we must be at peace with the
Romulains too, I think I’ll go visit Mr. Spock…”
8. “Here’s a good one ‘Wanted: Federation Scrapyard Manager, must be smart enough to keep track of several scrapped ships'”
7. “These Pakleds are pretty nice, I wonder why Mr. LaForge warned be about them”
6. “Lets see if Reisa is any better than Argelius for getting laid”
5. “I wonder if I’m elegible for 75 years worth of retirement payments”
4. “Here’s another one: ‘Wanted: Chief Engineer for Soyuz-Class starship…'”
3. “Now was that a left at Starbase 23 or a right?”
2. “Hmmmm, I wonder if that big cubical ship needs an engineer”
and the number one thought going through Montomery Scott’s head:
1. “I *knew* I should’ve gone before I left the Enterprise”
Top Ten Plot Twists in the “Clinton on the Enterprise” Episode
10. Bill is watching “Hee Haw” and discussing his experiences as a Rhodes scholar with some friends. The fabric of the universe can’t take this juxtiposition of the idiotic with the intelligent and Bill is technobabbly transported to the Enterprise.
9. Picard is stunned into utter speechlessness by Clinton’s hair.
8. Shares “war stories” with Riker. ie. “And then her husband walked in!”
7. Thanks to replicator, all food is FAST food! Clinton’s in hog heaven!
6. Dr. Crusher politely tells Bill, “with our medical technology, we can correct that overbite.”
5. Clinton learns from Star Fleet how to eliminate the US budget deficit — get rid of money!
4. Bill & Will save Enterprise from hostile aliens by playing a rather bad duet on Sax and Trombone.
3. Advances in genetic engineering can eliminate problems from inbreeding. Clinton brings the technology home to Arkansas and becomes a hero!
2. Clinton makes the transporter an intregal part of his universal health care plan.
1. As he leaves the Enterprise, Clinton closes his goodbye with “I still belive in a place called Hope.” Data responds with, “There are exactly 143,452 settlements with that name in the geographical records.”
TOP 10 REJECTED HALLMARK ORNAMENTS
10. Ferengi Ship, plays the message “Merry Christmas Human, I didn’t pay retail for my presents, do I look stupid!”
9. ‘Time’s Arrow’ Data’s Head. Does nothing, but the eyes light up
8. U.S.S. Enterprise 1701-C. Press a button and it appears on your tree 22 years in the future
7. U.S.S. Bozeman, playes the message “Hey, is that a ship in front of us, try to dodge it! Hey, is that a ship in front of us?…”
6. Borg ship, plays the message “Your life as you know it is now over, resistance is futile, Happy Holidays”
5. Klingon warbird, plays the message “Klingons do not Celebrate Holidays with gifts, they celebrate with pain sticks”
4. From TOS, Nomad. It plays “I am Nomad, I am perfect, Happy Holidays”
3. Cloaked Romulain Warbird (a hook attatched to nothing)
2. Exocomp ornament. Automatically repairs burned-out christmas lights and the number one rejected Hallmark Ornament
1. TNG Shuttlecraft, with Montgomery Scott saying “Happy Holidays lad”
Top Ten Signs That Star Fleet is Communist
10. The guys in charge wear Red.
9. The endearing way the crew says “Comrade Jean Luc Picard.”
8. The computer always knows the whereabouts of each crew member.
7. Heck, Worf’s Russian!
6. Those five-year missions sound an awful lot like Lenin’s Five Year Plans.
5. Whenever a child shows any talent, they ship him off to a special academy.
4. Almost all male crew members wear commie pinko beards.
3. Star Fleet claims to never interfere with local situations — yeah, right!
2. Who else but commies would want a crew member who could read thoughts?
1. Capitalist Ferengi are EVIL!
TOP 10 REJECTED HOLDAY MESSAGES FOR THE U.S.S. ENTERPRISE-D
10. Geordi’s voice: “If we can superheat the reaction chamber, redirect the matter stream at a .003 phase offset, then inject the cool antimatter at at -.003 offset, we just might be able to have a Merry Christmas”
9. Riker’s Voice: “Merrrry Christmas!” In that same inclection he uses when he says “Rrrrrrred Alert!”
8. “Shut up Wesley!”
7. Dr Crusher: “Oooh, we’re under the mistletoe Jean-Luc”
6. Data: “I beleive the correct salutation is, ‘Happy Holidays’ sir”
5. Troi: “I sense Chocolate Santas”
4. Worf: “I protest, I do NOT want to have a Happy Holidays!”
3. Computer voice: “Please speicify parameters for Happy Holidays”
2. Data “Spot, that is not an appropriate use of a Chirstmas tree”
1. “You actually opened up this package? There goes its value”