Quickie Trek Jokes

Question: Where do Star Trek fans go to lift weights?

Answer: The “He’s dead, Gym”!

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Question: How many ears does Picard have?

Answer: Three. A right ear. A left ear. And a final front ear.

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Question: What did Picard say as Data struggled to repair the Marclosian Stitching Machine?

Answer: “Make it sew.”

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Question: What did the first officer answer when Picard asked “Why did you let Troi win at poker?”

Answer: “Because I Riker.”

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Question: What did the blonde Klingon say?

Answer: “It was a good day to dye.”

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Question: What is Thomas Riker’s dating philosophy?

Answer: “If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again.”

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Question: What do you get if you cross a borg with a black magic marker?

Answer: A borg with a big black X on it.

(Submitted by Judy Cook.)

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Question: What did Worf say when small ice asteroids began hitting the Enterprise hull?

Answer: “Captain, we are being hailed.”

(Submitted by Todd Felton of Victoria, BC)

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Question: What did Will Riker say when he discovered that he had a transporter duplicate?

Answer: “We’re Number One! We’re Number One!”

(Submitted by Theodore J. Miller)

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Question: Why are Beverly Crusher, Worf, and Deanna Troi similar?

Answer: Because one’s a Doc, one’s a Worf, and one’s a Marina.

(Submitted by Theodore J. Miller)

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Question: What does Major Kira’s emergency signal sound like?

Answer: NANA NANA NANA NANA.

(Submitted by Martin Jack of Brighton, England)

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Question: Did you hear about the singing contest for young men at Starfleet Academy?

Answer: It’s called the Kirk Tenor Prize.

(Submitted by Geoff Hooker of Wheaton, IL)

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Question: How many of the Enterprise’s senior officers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: All of them. One to screw it in, and the rest to debate the moral implications.

(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)

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Question: What did LaForge say when his girlfriend asked him what to wear on their date?

Answer: “I’m BLIND!”

(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)

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Question: What did Lore use to kill Data’s cat?

Answer:Spot remover.

(Submitted by Ted and Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)

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Question: What do you call it when that Strategic Operations Officer on DS9 runs as fast as he can?

Answer: Worf Speed.

(Submitted by Rick Sheridan of San Francisco, CA)

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Question: Why couldn’t Kira get permanent quarters on DS9?

Answer: Because everybody knew she was a Visitor.

(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)

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Question: What did the senior staff of DS9 sing when Kira was packing to leave at the beginning of “The Circle”?

Answer: Nana, Nana . . . Nana, Nana . . . Hey, hey, hey, goodbye!

(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)

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Question: What do you do if O’Brien refuses to fix your ship after you dock at DS9?

Answer: Colm Meaney. (For those of you who don’t know “Colm” isn’t pronounced “Kohlm.” It’s pronounced more like “column.”

(Submitted by Lynette Farrand of Fair Grove, MO)

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Question: What is Sisko’s favorite breakfast?

Answer: Quarker Oates.

(Submitted by Andrew Melicor of Bloomfield Hills, MI)

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Question: How would B’Elana Torres introduce her significant other?

Answer: I’d like you to meet my better third.

(Submitted by Andrew Melicor of Bloomfield Hills, MI)

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Question: What do you get when Gul Dukat kills off his half-Bajoran, half-Cardassian daughter?

Answer: Bacardi on ice.

(Submitted by Michaela Schlocker of Stanford University)

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Question: Did you hear that the crew of the Enterprise is getting married?

Answer: They have engaged the Borg.

(Submitted by Judy Cook)

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Question: What do you get when you cross Lwaxana Troi with the bridge of a Starfleet vessel?

Answer: An empty bridge

(Submitted by David Tayman)

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Question: Did you hear that Jonathan Frakes is starring in a remake of an old James Bond movie?

Answer: It’s called Moonriker.

(Submitted by Owen Fralic)

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Question: What did the Jamaican say to the Ferengi captain who was visiting Earth?

Answer: Have a nice Dai Mon.

(Submitted by Owen Fralic)

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Question: What do you get when you throw the casing of an unborn chicken at Quark’s nephew?

Answer: Egg Nog.

(Submitted by Owen Fralic)

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Question: Why did Quark travel back in time to 15th century Spain?

Answer: He wanted to learn the Rules of Inquisition.

(Submitted by Kevin Loughlin)

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“Knock-knock” “Who’s there?” “Jeordi!” “Jeordi who?” “Didn’t Jeordi ask me that?”

(Submitted by Steve Cormier)

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Question: What would the communication officer of DS9 say to Captain Sisko when a person is going on and on on the fifth channel of communications?

Answer: Sir Babylon 5.

(Submitted by Joe Pintar)

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Question: How many TOS landing party members does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: Only one, but the extra red-shirt will die in the attempt.

(Submitted by Lee Lorenz)

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Question: How many Voyager crew members does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Answer: However many it takes, you can be sure a shuttlecraft will be destroyed during the attempt.

(Submitted by Lee Lorenz)

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Question: What did Picard say when Worf told him “The shields are failing!”

Answer: “Give ’em more homework!”

Question: What did McCoy say when he say Ensign Pillsbury?

Answer: “He’s BREAD Jim!”

(Submitted by Richard Steenbergen)

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Question: What do you call a cross between a Ferengi and a Kryptonian?

Answer: Quark Kent.

(Submitted by Dan Case)

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Question: On which street does the captain of the Voyager reside on earth?

Answer: On Jane Way

(Submitted by Mine Sharpe)

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Question: What does everyone yell when someone falls of the edge of the cube-shaped ocean liner?

Answer: “Man over-Borg!”

(Submitted by Murray Leeder)

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Question: Why didn’t the Enterprise come to a complete stop at the interstellar mall?

Answer: The crew was shopping on impulse.

(Submitted by Brian Smith)

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Question: Did you hear about the diminutive Betazoid that escaped from prison?

Answer: The headline read “Small Medium at Large.”

(Submitted by Robert Beeler)

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Question: Why does Odo contain wilted lettuce?

Answer: Because the Founders made him a salad.

(Submitted by Murray Leeder)

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Question: Why aren’t the synthesizers making Spock’s uniform any longer?

Answer: They’re long enough already.

Question: What did Kirk ask after Bones had been cloned?

Answer: “Which one of you is the real McCoy?”

(Submitted by Aaron Nadler)

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Question: What do you call it when the psychotic Holodoc dodges your punches?

Answer: Darkling duck!

(Submitted by Brad Higgins)

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Question: What do you call an android playing an acoustic guitar?

Answer: Folk-Lore!

Question: How many Klingons does it take to change a lightbulb?

Answer: None, they’re not afraid of the dark.

Question: What do they do to the lightbulb?

Answer: Execute it for failure.

Question: What do they do to the Klingon who changes the bulb?

Answer: Execute him for cowardice.

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