“Star Trek Lost Episodes” transcript:
“Mr. LaForge, have you had any success with your attempts at
finding a weakness in the Borg? And Mr. Data, have you been able to access
their command pathways?”
“Yes, Captain. In fact, we found the answer by searching through
our archives on late Twentieth-century computing technology.”
“What the hell is ‘Microsoft’?”
“Allow me to explain. We will send this program,
for some reason called ‘Windows’, through the Borg command pathways. Once
inside their root command unit,it will begin consuming system resources at
an unstoppable rate.”
“But the Borg have the ability to adapt. Won’t they alter their
processing systems to increase their storage capacity?”
“Yes, Captain. But when ‘Windows’ detects this, it creates a new
version of itself known as an ‘upgrade’. The use of resources increases
exponentially with each iteration. The Borg will not be able to adapt
quickly enough. Eventually all of their processing ability will be taken
over and none will be available for their normal operational functions.”
“Excellent work. This is even better than that ‘unsolvable
geometric shape’ idea.”
.. . . 15 Minutes Later . . .
“Captain, We have successfully installed the ‘Windows’ in the
command unit and as expected it immediately consumed 85% of all resources.
We however have not received any confirmation of the expected ‘upgrade’.”
“Our scanners have picked up an increase in Borg storage and CPU
capacity to compensate, but we still have no indication of an ‘upgrade’ to
compensate for their increase.”
“Data, scan the history banks again and determine if there is
something we have missed.”
“Sir, I believe there is a reason for the failure in the ‘upgrade’.
Apparently the Borg have circumvented that part of the plan by not sending
in their registration cards.
“Captain we have no choice. Requesting permission to begin
emergency escape sequence 3F . . .”
“Wait, Captain I just detected their CPU capacity has
suddenly dropped to 0% !”
“Data, what do your scanners show?”
“Apparently the Borg have found the internal ‘Windows’ module named
‘Solitaire’ and it has used up all the CPU capacity.”
“Let’s wait and see how long this ‘solitaire’ can reduce their
functionality.”
.. . . Two Hours Pass . . .
“Geordi, what’s the status of the Borg?”
“As expected the Borg are attempting to re-engineer to compensate
for increased CPU and storage demands, but each time they successfully
increase resources I have set up our closest deep space monitor beacon to
transmit more ‘Windows’ modules from something called the ‘Microsoft
fun-pack’.
“How much time will that buy us?”
“Current Borg solution rates allow me to predict an interest time
span of 6 more hours.”
“Captain, another vessel has entered our sector.”
“Identify.”
“It appears to have markings very similar to the ‘Microsoft’ logo.”
“THIS IS ADMIRAL BILL GATES OF THE MICROSOFT FLAGSHIP
‘MONOPOLY’. WE HAVE POSITIVE CONFIRMATION OF UNREGISTERED SOFTWARE IN THIS
SECTOR. SURREDER ALL ASSETS AND WE CAN AVOID ANY TROUBLE. YOU HAVE 10
SECONDS.”
“The alien ship has just opened its forward hatches and released
thousands of humanoid shaped objects.”
“Magnify forward viewer on the alien craft.”
“Good God, Captain! Those are humans floating straight toward the
Borg ship with no life support suits! How can they survive the tortures of
deep space?!”
“I don’t believe that those are humans,sir. If you will look closer
> I believe you will see that they are carrying something recognized by
Twenty-first Century man as doe skin leather briefcases, and they are
wearing Armani suits.”
“Lawyers!!”
“It can’t be. All the Lawyers were rounded up and sent hurtling
into the sun in 2017 during the Great Awakening.”
“True, but apparently some must have survived.”
“They have surrounded the Borg ship and are covering it with all
types of papers.”
“I believe that is known in ancient vernacular as ‘red tape’. It
often proves fatal.”
“They’re tearing the Borg to pieces!”
“Turn off the monitors. I can’t stand to watch, not even the Borg
deserve that.
