TREK TOP 10s
From the Home Office at the top of the Steps of Mount Seleya…
Top Ten Signs you have an all-Vulcan crew
10) No one, absolutely no one, will laugh at any of your jokes
9) Your ship’s dedication plaque motto reads: “Ship dedication plaque mottoes are illogical”
8) Every 3-D chess tournament ends in a draw
7) Sehlat guano everywhere!
) On your crew roster you have both an Ensign Taurik AND an Ensign Vorick who claim to be two different people…yet you HAVE NEVER SEEN THEM TOGETHER!!…
5) Ships Stores always out of Q-Tips and earmuffs
4) Your crew’s idea of a fun evening: Ship-wide Eyebrow Lifting Contest
3) Your efforts to organize an “Amateur Jam” night meet with failure when all 432 crew members volunteer to play the lute
2) Spock, Tuvok. Tuvok, Spock. Surak, Sarek. Sarek, Surak. T’Pring, T’Pel. T’Pel, T’Pring. Saavik, uh..the other Saavik…
And the Number One sign you have an all-Vulcan crew…
1) Every seven years: PA-A-A-A-RTY!!!
From the Home Office inside the frozen Walt’s Vault…
Top Ten Changes if Disney purchased the Star Trek Franchise
10) Crew members now spontaneously break into song
9) Khan now played by Tim Allen (“More POWER, damn you! Arr-uh-uh-uh…”)
8) Leeta the Dabo girl now played by Jessica Rabbit
7) All ships now rendered in computer animation
6) Shatner’s toupee now rendered in computer animation
5) Price of Tribbles now $75.00 a pop
4) Laboratory mouse in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan now a cameo appearance by Mickey
3) “Flying Dumbo” ride at Disneyland replaced by “Flying Voyager” ride
2) Klingons now considered too “dark”…will begin wearing bright red shorts and big white gloves
And the Number One Change if Disney purchased the Star Trek Franchise…
1) Two words: Jadzia Ducks
From the Home Office Down at Fraggle Rock…
Top Ten Warning Signs Star Trek IX will be a Muppet Movie crossover:
10) Miss Piggy and Counselor Troi exchange makeup tips
9) Beverly spends entire movie down in Sickbay trapped in “Veterinarian’s Hospital” skit
8) Kermit encounters Orion Slave Girl played by Liza Minelli. They share tender duet of “It’s Not Easy Bein’ Green”
7) Rowlf the Dog tutors Data on how to play “Little Life-forms” song on his console
6) Barclay, Beaker. Beaker, Barclay.
5) In surprise cameo appearance, Neelix will reveal that he has been a Muppet all along
4) Instead of Bat’leth, Worf will be armed with Boomerang Fish
3) Riker’s beard will be portrayed by Rizzo the Rat
2) Sci-Fi and Muppets? Hmmm, I thought that was “Return of the Jedi”…
And the Number One Warning Sign Star Trek IX will be a Muppet Movie crossover…
1) Two words: Dancin’ Tribbles!!
From the Home Office in a garbage dumpster outside the Acme Factory…
Top Ten lines of dialog from Star Trek IX: Space Jam
10) Just before going to Warp, Enterprise main deflector dish sticks out its tongue and says “Beep, Beep!”
9) When Worf tries to listen to his Klingon opera collection all he can get to play is “KILL THE WABBIT! KILL THE WA-A-A-BBIT!!”
7) In a surprise cameo appearance, Kes admits “I’m only three-and-a-half years old!”
6) “Rowr! Raargh! Sputter! Rowr! Bleah! Sputter! Rowr!” (**note**applies to either Taz or Worf)
5) “No, no, no, Boy! You’re goin’ about it all wrong, Boy! That’s not the way to realign the magnetic constrictors on the warp core! Pay attention when I’m talkin’ to you, Boy! That’s the trouble with Starfleet engineers nowadays…No respect for Authority!…I say, AUTHORITY!”
4) “Number One…Why the hell is Michael Jordon playing basketball on the bridge?”
3) “I thuggetht we reconfigure the main deflector dith to emit an inverth tachyon pulth while thimultaneouthly venting drive plathma from the warp nathelleth and modulating the thieldth to thcreen againtht tholiton particleth… Thufferin’ Thuccotath! Thome of thith thuff ith hard to thay!”
2) “I tawt I taw a Romulan! I DID! I did tee a Romulan!”
And the Number One line of dialog from Star Trek IX: Space Jam…
1) “Eeehhh….What’s up, Doc Crusher?”
From the Home Office at the bottom of a compost pile somewhere in Connecticut…
Top Ten changes to Star Trek:First Contact if the Borg Queen had been played by Martha Stewart:
10) She has 47% of the Enterprise converted to Hydroponics
9) New Borg catch phrase: “Resistance is futile. Assimilation is A Good Thing”
8) Assimilated crew members use any spare time they might have to dust
7) She hand-weaves new shielding for the Borg Cube using nothing but some white thread, scrap muslin, and Bev and Deanna’s discarded padded bras
6) She insists all ship’s graphic displays are to be hand-stenciled
5) Instead of wanting Picard to become Locutus again, all she really wants to do is show Patrick the lovely and elaborate cross-stitched sampler she made tracing the Stewart family tree back 47 generations
4) After blowing on Data’s arm instead of “Was it good for you?, she asks “Was it A Good Thing for you?”
3) Borg oozing gore now used for lubricating gardening tools
2) Data’s various appendages will now slice, dice, mince, chop, mix, blend, puree, julienne…
And the Number One change to Star Trek:First Contact if the Borg Queen had been played by Martha Stewart…
1) Leftover non-Borg parts of assimilated crew members, when hollowed out and gaily hand-painted -and with candles inserted- give a warm inviting glow to Engineering
From the Home Office right behind my big ol’ shiny belt buckle…
Top Ten episode titles if Star Trek were written by Country & Western music writers
10) Data Went Down To Georgia
9) You Don’t Have To Call Me Darlin’, Darmok
8) Turn About And Do-Si-Do, Intruder
6) City On The Edge Of Fort Worth
5) If Wishes Were Horses, I Reckon I’d Have Me A Whole Herd
4) May The Great Bird of the Galaxy Fly Up Your Nose
3) Looking For Par’Mach In All The Wrong Places….Hey, wait! That’s a real title…
2) Move Along Home, Little Dogies
And the Number One episode title if Star Trek were written by Country & Western music writers…
1) Don’t It Make My Gold Eyes Blue
From the Home Office on Miss Gulch’s bicycle seat…
Top Ten Warning Signs Star Trek IX will be a Wizard of Oz crossover
10) First five minutes of movie are in black and white
9) Data will now carry an oil can and an axe
8) “Captain, there’s a Temporal Twister a’comin’ !!”
7) Picard’s holographic horse is now “that ‘orse of a diff’rent colour you’ve ‘eard tell of!”
6) Worf, the Cowardly KlingLion (“Perhaps today IS a good day to die…Ain’t it da truf!….R-rrrr-uff!!”)
5) In a surprise cameo appearance, Quark announces “I represent the Lollipop Guild, and that sucker will cost you 5 strips of gold-pressed latinum, Hew-mahn!”
4) Five words: Glinda, the Goddess of Empathy
3) When the Captain calls for more Warp Speed, Geordi sends the Flying Monkeys out to push
2) Instead of subspace communications, Starship Enterprise equipped with a witch and a sky-writing broom
And the Number One Warning Sign Star Trek IX will be a Wizard of Oz crossover…
1) Spot, Toto. Toto, Spot.
From the Home Office on Mulberry Street…
Top Ten lines of dialog if Star Trek had been written by Dr. Seuss
10) COMPUTER SCAN: “One Ship. Two Ship.
Red Ship. Blue Ship.”
9) PICARD: “The Grinch has stolen our Christmas.
He has taken our fun.
And I will make him pay
For what he has done!”
8) SPOCK: “The needs of the many
Outweigh the needs of the few.
Just keep that in mind
Next time you feel blue!”
7) O’BRIEN: “Captain! Captain!
A ship! A ship!
Dukat is on another trip!
He is wearing his new hat!
Dukat in the hat came back!”
6) JANEWAY: “From near to far,
From here to there,
Strange things that glow and throb.
We’re Starfleet officers, Mr. Kim.
Weird is part of the job!”
5) KIRK: “Tribbles, Tribbles everywhere!
Tribbles, Tribbles in my hair!
Over Tribbles I might trip,
Get these Tribbles off my ship!”
4) KHAN: “He tasks me and I shall have him!
I shall chase him in a plane!
I shall chase him on a train!
I shall chase him on a boat!
I shall chase him with a goat!”
3) SPOCK: “Captain, please don’t shoot
That angry Horta!
She’s just protecting her eggs,
Like a good mother orta!”
2) MARTOK: “Ouch! That hurt!
You cut out my eye!
Perhaps today IS
A good day to die!”
And the Number One line of dialog if Star Trek had been written by Dr. Seuss…
1) PICARD: “I do so love
Tea, Earl Grey, hot!
I do so love it!
Thanks a lot!”
From the Home Office in my parent’s basement…
Top Ten signs you’re at a bad Star Trek Convention
10) One of the dealers is chopping the heads off action figures and selling them as “Special Decapitation Series Available Only At This Convention”
9) The “Leeta Inflatable Doll” you just paid $62.50 for doesn’t look anything like Chase Masterson
8) Wil Wheaton is in the parking lot trading autographs for Egg McMuffins
7) The only Star Trek celebrity nude photos you can find are of Ethan Phillips
6) The advertised “Starfleet Shuttle ‘Galileo’ Display” looks an awful lot like a white Lumina minivan
5) Closest thing to a member of the Star Trek production staff that would appear is the guy who trims Brannon Braga’s nose hairs
4) Local television news reporters keep asking “Where the hell is Chewbacca?!?”
3) Trivia Contest winner doesn’t even know what the “T” stands for
2) Not even Jimmy Doohan would show up
And the Number One sign you’re at a bad Star Trek Convention…
1) All the costumes in the Costume Contest are from Babylon 5
From the Home Office in your mother’s bosom…
Top Ten things Star Trek mothers have said
10) MRS. KIRK: “Jimmy! Can’t you keep that thing zipped?!?”
9) KES’ MOM: “Geez, you’re a pain in the back!”
8) MRS. McCOY: “Dammit, Leonard, I’m your mother not your slave!”
7) WORF’S MOM (Klingon): “For the last time- Stop pulling the targ’s tail!!”
6) WORF’S MOM (Human): “Worfie…Maybe you should take up a sport…Like say, SOCCER?”
5) MRS. TROI: “You know, Deanna, I always really liked that nice Nurse Chapel…”
4) GARAK’S MOM: “Are you lying to me, young man?!?”
3) MRS. JANEWAY: “I don’t have time, Kathy…Figure out how to do your own hair…”
2) MRS. PICARD: “Don’t worry, Jean-Luc…I’m sure male pattern baldness isn’t hereditary.”
And the Number One thing Star Trek mothers have said…
1) MORN’S MOM: “Will -You -Please -SHUT -UP?!?!??”
From the Home Office inside an old pair of slippers…
Top Ten things Star Trek fathers have said
10) MR. KIRK: “Jim, I’m glad we could have this little talk…You’ve taught me things about The Birds And The Bees I never knew!…”
9) BEN SISKO: “Jake, get a job, ya bum!”
8) AMBASSADOR SAREK: “My son, cleaning your room is the logical thing to do.”
7) KES’S DAD: “Gosh, it seem like only yesterday you were born…Oh, wait, it was yesterday!…”
6) MR. BASHIR: “Remember now, Jules…If anybody asks- you suddenly got so much smarter using “Hooked On Phonics”…
5) MR. LAFORGE: “Keep your eye on the ball, son…Ooooo geez, I’m sorry!…”
4) ROM: “Nog! Stop staring at your new stepmother’s enormous breasts!”
3) JACK CRUSHER: “I’m dead, Wes.”
2) GUL DUKAT: “Ziyal, I just want you to settle down with a nice fellow with a steady job…maybe, a tailor?…WHAT AM I SAYING??!?”
And the Number One thing Star Trek fathers have said…
1) MOGH, DAD OF WORF: “Pull my finger, you filthy P’TaQ!!”
From the Home Office in Tokyo
Top Ten warning signs Star Trek IX will be a Kung Fu movie crossover
10) The working title is Star Trek: The Wrath Of Jackie Chan
9) Alien life forms still speak English, but their lip movements no longer match their spoken dialog
8) Nurse Ogawa takes over the Sickbay
7) Wesley “Grasshopper” Crusher gets the snot beat out of him by the Karate Kid
6) New kick-butt Enterprise Chief of Security: Bruce Lee
5) When you cross the Warp 10 threshold, instead of a salamander, you become a giant, radioactive, fire-breathing lizard!
4) Worf’s Klingon martial arts class will be a lot more energetic
3) The movie’s main villain?…Chuck Norris!
2) Picard and Data are replaced as the main characters by Captain Sulu and Harry Kim
And the Number One warning sign Star Trek IX will be a Kung Fu movie crossover…
1) Four words: Teenage Mutant Ninja Tribbles!
From the Home Office in Baggage Claims…
Top Ten warning signs The Borg have taken over your airline
10) “Welcome aBORG!”
9) Passengers in First Class receive all the way-cool holographic eye implants; those in Coach just get those funky arm grippers
8) “Ladies and gentlemen- This is your Captain speaking. We’ll be reaching a cruising altitude of 47,000 feet…with a brief layover in the 21st Century to alter the course of Human history!”
7) Inflight movie: Robocop
6) “Freedom and self-determination are irrelevant. Prepare to be assimilated…and while you’re waiting, enjoy this complimentary bag of peanuts!”
5) “We’re sorry, but due to the added weight of your Borg implants, your seat cushion will no longer function as an effective floatation device.”
4) “The Captain has turned on the ‘No Smoking’ sign…Please extinguish all burning life forms and return your seat to an upright position.”
3) “Passengers, please make sure your leftover body parts will stow safely under your seat or securely in an overhead compartment.”
2) “You mean to tell me you’re all part of a huge, multi-mind collective with the combined technology of thousands of worlds…and you STILL lost my luggage?!?…”
And the Number One warning sign The Borg have taken over your airline…
1) Three words: “Coffee, Tea, or Lubricants?”
From the Home Office in the pompoms…
Top Ten Star Trek related cheers
10) “Two, Four, Six, Eight!
We think Star Trek’s really great!”
9) “Rah, Rah, Sisko, Bah!”
8) “Morn, Morn, he’s our man!
If he can’t do it, nobody can!”
7) “Defense! Defense!
Raise the shields!
6) “Go!…Go Odo! Go Odo!…Go!…Go Odo!”
5) (From a Klingon)
“Relinquish the contest to our team!
Your puny combatants we will cream!
Lay down your weapons, your spears and darts
Or we shall feast upon your hearts!”
4) (From a Vulcan)
“I fail to see the logic in expending vast amounts of energy jumping up and down and shouting platitudes at a possibly damaging decibel level. Therefore, I choose not to participate.”
3) (From the Borg)
“Freedom is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Prepare to be assimilated. Go team.”
2) (From a Ferengi)
“Could we interest you in throwing the game for a percentage of the gambling proceeds?”
And the Number One Star Trek related cheer…
1) “Push Kirk off! Off that bridge!
From the Home Office under the thong…
Top Ten things that would happen if the Borg assimilated Victoria’s Secret
10) Five words: The Breasts Of Both Worlds
9) Instead of saving the Enterprise, Wesley spends all his time locked in the bathroom…alone…
8) Leggy Super Models, Leggy Super Models, nuttin’ but Leggy Super Models!…Oh, wait! That’s one of the benefits!…
7) “We are the Borg. Freedom is irrelevant. Resistance is futile. You WILL go crotchless.”
6) Wait till you see the next Starfleet uniform redesign for Bev and Deanna, fellas! Woo Hoo!! (But where will they pin their comm badges??)
5) The Borg Queen now played by that future Oscar winner, Kathy Ireland
4) Riker provides an answer to the Burning Question- Boxers or Briefs?
3) “Scorpion, Part 2” reveals that Species 8472 is actually a front for Frederick’s Of Hollywood
2) “Let me slip something more comfortable into your eye socket, Locutus…”
And the Number One thing that would happen if the Borg assimilated Victoria’s Secret…
1) Gives a whole new meaning to the term “First Contact”! (wink, wink, nudge, nudge)
From the Home Office under something blue…
Top Ten things said if Deanna Troi came to Worf and Jadzia Dax’s wedding
10) SISKO: “I now pronounce you man and, uh, Old Man…”
9) TROI: “I sense….great philandering…”
8) DAX: “Nice wig, Shorty!”
7) TROI: “Are those spots or zits, Stringbean?”
6) WORF: “C-Captain, are y-you sure the Defiant isn’t needed somewhere, um, on the far side of the Gamma Quadrant?…”
5) QUARK: “Five strips of latinum on Dax!”
4) DAX: “L-l-l-l-l-l-l-let’s get ready to r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rumble!!!!”
3) BASHIR: “Would you ladies consider doing this naked?”
2) ODO: “Good idea, Doctor. I can provide the Jell-O!”
And the Number One thing said if Deanna Troi came to Worf and Jadzia Dax’s wedding…
1) TROI and DAX: “Worf….we’re gay!!”
From the Home Office in the stirrups…
Top Ten things Star Trek characters have said while in labor
10) Worf’s mom: “Damn! Those forehead ridges hurt!!”
9) Quark’s mom, Ishka: “How much latinum would an epidural cost me?…”
8) Spock’s mom, Amanda: “I’ll be *damned* if I’m going through this every seven years, Sarek!…”
7) Worf’s mate, K’Heleyr: “Let’s see…Alexander is gonna be 19 years old in DS9’s sixth season…So I guess that means I’m giving birth to an eleven-year-old!…Whoa!!”
6) Kes’ mom: “Oy! What a backache I’m having!…”
5) Kira: “Actually, it feels good just to lay down and get off those heels for a while…”
4) Beverly Crusher: “I’ll be happy as long as the baby is healthy…and doesn’t grow up to be a weenie!…”
3) Chakotay’s mom: ” ‘Does it hurt’ you ask me, husband?…Let me tell you a story of my people…Once there was a squaw named Lorena Bobbit who turned the tables on her chief…”
2) Spot: “Mee-Yow! This hurts…Hey, wait a minute!…I’m a male…I can’t have kittenssssss…Oh, great! Now I’m a turning into sssome kinda lizsssssard!….”
And the Number One thing Star Trek characters have said while in labor…
1) Scotty’s mom: “I’m gonna blow!! I canna take any morrrrre!!!…”
From the Home Office in Sector 38 Double-D…
Top Ten proposed catch phrases for Seven Of Nine
10) “Hello, my eyes are up *here*!…Hell-LO!?!”
9) “Why, yes, they *are* fully integrated components…and thanks for noticing!”
8) “From The Mountains!…To The Valleys!…”
7) “Bringing new meaning to the term ‘unzipping program’…”
6) “So r-r-round, so fir-r-rm, so fully-packed!”
5) “Hit ’em with both barrels!”
4) “Must…maintain…BALANCE!….Must not…tip…OVER!…”
3) “Seven Of Nine- The only Star Trek character ever to receive the full endorsement of both Beavis AND Butt-Head!”
2) “Thanks for the mammaries!”
And the Number One proposed catch phrase for Seven Of Nine…
1) “Star Trek: Voyager- Serving The Male Teen Demographic Since 1995!”