Who’s the First?
An Insane Parody of Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on First?” Routine
By “Spocko-chan or FaCh, the High Commander”
April 19, 2000
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Comments from the Author The “Who’s on First?” routine is one of Abbott and Costello’s most famous and best. This is a parody of the whole thing, taken from ‘The Naughty Nineties.’ So, when you read this, think of Keevan and Weyoun giving the lines quick, a polished performance, just like A & C.
Disclaimer That aforementioned routine belongs to it’s creators, William May (Bud) Abbott and Lou Costello, in my opinion, one of the greatest comedy pairs to make people laugh. I’m just parodizing it. Star Trek and all it’s characters belong to Paramount, and that’s all the legal stuff I think I need to acknowledge.
Setting: A Conference Room on Kurill Prime.
WEYOUN: Okay, Keevan, so what would you like to know?
KEEVAN: (bored) Well, since I’m going to command a Jem’Hadar troop for the first time, I have to know their names.
WEYOUN: That’s perfectly logical.
KEEVAN: So, go ahead and tell me.
WEYOUN: You know that the Jem’Hadar nowadays have strange names.
KEEVAN: (annoyed) They’re almost impossible to pronounce.
WEYOUN: (nodding head) Exactly! That’s why the Founders-
(They both throw their arms in the air and say:)
BOTH: Hail the Founders!
WEYOUN: -in all their wisdom, have given the Jem’Hadar nicknames.
KEEVAN: (starts to count the tiles on the ceiling.) What kind of nicknames?
WEYOUN: Nice, simple nicknames.
KEEVAN: (monotone) Whoop-dee-doo. Tell me by rank.
WEYOUN: Sure. Who’s the First, What’s the Second, and I Don’t Know’s the Third.
KEEVAN: (stares at Weyoun.) But that’s what I want to find out.
WEYOUN: I said, Who’s the First, What’s the Second, I Don’t Know’s the Third –
KEEVAN: You know the fellows’ names?
WEYOUN: Certainly!
KEEVAN: Well then! Who’s the First?
WEYOUN: Yes!
KEEVAN: I mean the fellow’s name!
WEYOUN: Who!
KEEVAN: The guy that’s First!
WEYOUN: Who!
KEEVAN: The First of the Jem’Hadar!
WEYOUN: Who!
KEEVAN: The guy that’s the First!
WEYOUN: WHO IS THE FIRST!
KEEVAN: (yelling) Now what are you asking ME for?
(Now they start to yell at each other, but not too loudly, for their hearing will kill them for it.)
WEYOUN: I’m telling you, Who – is – the – First.
KEEVAN: Well, I’m asking YOU who’s the First!
WEYOUN: That’s the dude’s name.
KEEVAN: That’s Who’s name?
WEYOUN: (calming down) Yes.
KEEVAN: Well, go ahead and tell me.
WEYOUN: Who.
KEEVAN: The dude that’s the First.
WEYOUN: Who!
KEEVAN: The leader of the Jem’Hadar.
WEYOUN: Who is the First!
KEEVAN: (sighs) All right, then. Let’s say I’m giving the Ketracel White out. Who gets the White?
WEYOUN: Of course he does. Why not? He’s entitled to it.
KEEVAN: Another question.
WEYOUN: Yes?
KEEVAN: Why do we call Jem’Hadar “he’s” if they don’t really have any gender?
WEYOUN: Bias.
KEEVAN: Back to our discussion. All I’m trying to find out is what’s the First’s name.
WEYOUN: Hold on, don’t switch them around. What is the Second’s name.
KEEVAN: I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
WEYOUN: (tired) Who is the First.
KEEVAN: I don’t know.
WEYOUN: He’s the Third – and we’re not talking about him.
KEEVAN: How did I get to the Third?
WEYOUN: You mentioned his name, dumb non-cloned!
KEEVAN: Don’t insult me, old man! If I mentioned the Third Jem’Hadar’s name, who did I say is the third?
WEYOUN: No – Who’s the First.
KEEVAN: Never mind First – I want to know what’s the Third’s name.
WEYOUN: No – What’s the Second.
KEEVAN: (agitated) I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
WEYOUN: Who’s the First.
KEEVAN: I don’t know.
WEYOUN: He’s the Third.
KEEVAN: Agggggggh! Would you please stay on the Third and don’t go off it?
WEYOUN: (lodging out some ear wax from his ear with a Q-tip) What was it you wanted?
KEEVAN: Now who’s the name of the Third?
WEYOUN: Now why must you insist on putting Who as Third?
KEEVAN: Why? Who am I putting over there?
WEYOUN: Yes. But we don’t want him there.
KEEVAN: What’s the Jem’Hadar Third’s name?
WEYOUN: What belongs in the Second position.
KEEVAN: I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
WEYOUN: (enunciating) Who’s . . . the . . . First.
KEEVAN: I . . . don’t . . . know.
BOTH: THIRD!
KEEVAN: (sighs again) You got a junior troop?
WEYOUN: Of course we do!
KEEVAN: The junior pilot’s name?
WEYOUN: (simply) Why.
KEEVAN: (shrugs) I don’t know, I just thought I’d ask you.
WEYOUN: And I just thought I’d tell you.
KEEVAN: Fine then, so tell me who’s piloting the ship.
WEYOUN: Who is the Jem’Hadar Fir-
KEEVAN: STAY OUT OF THE MAIN TROOP! I want to know what’s the pilot’s name.
WEYOUN: What’s the Second.
KEEVAN: I’m not asking you who’s the Second.
WEYOUN: Who’s the First.
KEEVAN: I don’t know.
BOTH: THIRD!
KEEVAN: The pilot’s name?
WEYOUN: Why.
KEEVAN: (indignant) Because!
WEYOUN: But he’s the copilot.
KEEVAN: Hey, you have a spy in these troops?
WEYOUN: Duh! Wouldn’t this be a find troop without a spy.
KEEVAN: The spy’s name.
WEYOUN: Tomorrow.
KEEVAN: Oh come on, I’m a fellow Vorta. Why won’t you tell me today?
WEYOUN: I’m telling you now.
KEEVAN: Then go ahead.
WEYOUN: Tomorrow.
KEEVAN: What time?
WEYOUN: What time what?
KEEVAN: What time tomorrow are you going to tell me who’s spying?
WEYOUN: Now listen.
(He grabs Keevan’s head and cleans out Keevan’s ears with some Q-Tips.)
WEYOUN: Who is not spying. Who is the Fir-
KEEVAN: I’ll break your ARM if you say Who’s the First! I want to know what’s the spy’s name.
WEYOUN: What’s the Second.
KEEVAN: I don’t know.
BOTH: THIRD!
KEEVAN: You got a mutilator?
WEYOUN: Oh, absolutely.
KEEVAN: The mutilator’s name.
WEYOUN: Today.
KEEVAN: Today. And Tomorrow’s spying.
WEYOUN: Now you’ve got it.
KEEVAN: Great! All we’ve got is a couple of days on the team.
WEYOUN: Well, I can’t help that!
KEEVAN: Well, I’m a mutilator, too.
WEYOUN: I know that.
KEEVAN: Now suppose that I’m mutilating. Tomorrow’s on my troop and he has the gun while the Federation heavy is up.
WEYOUN: Yes.
KEEVAN: Tomorrow shoots. The heavy shoots Today. Now, me being a good mutilator and all, I pick up the gun to pass it on to who?
WEYOUN: Now that’s the first thing you’ve said right.
KEEVAN: (exasperated) I don’t even know what I’m talking about!
WEYOUN: Well, that’s all you have to do. We are a race of talkers.
KEEVAN: So I throw the gun to the First.
WEYOUN: Yes.
KEEVAN: Now who’s got it?
WEYOUN: Naturally!
KEEVAN: If I throw the gun to the First, somebody has to catch it. Now who caught it?
WEYOUN: Naturally!
KEEVAN: Who caught it?
WEYOUN: Naturally.
KEEVAN: Who? I’m just making sure.
WEYOUN: Naturally!
KEEVAN: (thoughtfully) Naturally.
WEYOUN: Yes.
KEEVAN: So I pick up the gun and I throw it to Naturally.
WEYOUN: NO, NO, NO! You throw the gun to the First and Who gets it?
KEEVAN: Naturally.
WEYOUN: That’s right. There we go.
KEEVAN: So – I’m just making sure – I pick up the gun and I throw it to Naturally.
WEYOUN: You don’t!
KEEVAN: I throw it to who?
WEYOUN: (smiling, relieved) Naturally.
KEEVAN: (frustrated and hopping out of his seat) THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING!
WEYOUN: You’re not saying it that way. You have to say it the right way or else the dimwitted Jem’Hadar won’t be able to follow your orders.
KEEVAN: I said I throw the gun to Naturally.
WEYOUN: You don’t – you throw the gun to Who?
KEEVAN: Naturally!
WEYOUN: Well, say that!
KEEVAN: THAT’S WHAT I’M SAYING! I throw the gun to who?
WEYOUN: Naturally.
KEEVAN: Okay, I think I got it. Ask me.
WEYOUN: You throw the gun to Who?
KEEVAN: Naturally.
WEYOUN: That’s it.
KEEVAN: SAME AS YOU!! I throw the gun to the First and who gets it?
WEYOUN: Naturally!
KEEVAN: Who has it?
WEYOUN: Naturally!
KEEVAN: HE BETTER HAVE IT! I throw the gun to the First. Whoever it is grabs the weapon, so he passes it to the Second. Who picks up the gun and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don’t Know, I Don’t Know throws it back to Tomorrow who shoots- a quick killing maneuver.
WEYOUN: Yes.
KEEVAN: Another one gets up and throws the gun to Because. Why? I don’t know. He’s the Third and I don’t care!
WEYOUN: (cleaning his ears) Pardon me, what was that?
KEEVAN: I said I don’t care!
WEYOUN: Oh, that’s the bellboy.
(Keevan stomps out of the room and begins his rebellious streak.)
