Ask Wonko

Re: Life

Hi Wonkybaby,

Why is it that where ever you go, when you watch pigeons walk
about, five out of ten times they are crippled by missing or
deformed toes or feet?

I'm kinda guessing this could be because they go where people go
and, as a result, hang around on hard surfaces a lot.

I've never noticed this with any other bird tho....

Cheerz man

Wonko's Reply:

I am confused. Are you asking why 50% of pigeons have bad feet?
This is not an observation I share however pigeons are a species
of bird that has evolved and adopted a very human-friendly
almost symbiotic relationship with humans.

They live and exist with humans and human-made objects... which
upsets humans.

It is quite possible that may of them have damaged feet because
the humans of some areas put up really nasty pricks and blades
and other devices to keep pigeons off them. Perhaps these are
cutting them.

Sorry... I usually try to be funny. That's just sick and cruel.

***

19.Jul.2008 19:07

From: Matt

Re: General

Hey, it's your fault cause the fireplace blew up.

Wonko's Reply:

IT'S YOUR FAULT - the great improv thginking game is supported
elsewhere on this site or on http://faultgame.com

***

19.Jul.2008 15:21

From: T-Dawg

Re: General

Yo man I like think you is all messed up. You be all looking
like that ALbert Einstien and stuff. I'm gonna cut off yo hair
and stick it up ya nose.

Wonko's Reply:

Is that a question? I only know how to answer questions.

***

17.Jul.2008 13:10

From: Kermit the Frog

Re: General

From one puppet to another, I think you're really cool. I wish
you success in everything you do!

Signed,

Kermit the Frog

Wonko's Reply:

In a way, Kermit was one of the first FROG STARS.

***

13.Jul.2008 19:27

From: PANKA

Re: General

So what movie are looking forward to seeing?

Wonko's Reply:

I'm a puppet. Movies don't really interest me much.

***

11.Jul.2008 4:25

From: PANKA

Re: Movies?

I'm your half-sister PANKA. I was wondering, are there any
movies you're looking forward to seeing? Hellboy 2 is coming out
and the new Batman movie will be out soon.

Wonko's Reply:

Cool. Guestbook marketing. How much did they pay you?

***

10.Jul.2008 23:57

From: JPWorthington

JP@JP.com

Re: Chat

Is there any way to speak to you outside of the outside?

Wonko's Reply:

Come in through the window.

***

10.Jun.2008 7:30

From: fullblown

Re: Life

Wonko, why does my mother always buy that cheap grey
toiletpaper?

I'm sure we can afford something that doesn't grind my rectum to
the point of bleeding.

Wonko's Reply:

You know, this has always puzzled me as well. Not just your
mother, but in general. Why do homes have cheap TP. I understand
why public restooms may cheap out, only because some people use
yards at a time, but in your home.

Come on Moms!

I don't have an answer, but I do have a solution. Buy your own.
If you call her cheap, then I call you cheap.

***

1.May.2008 13:55

From: Steve

kd5mkv@hotmail.com

Re: Wonko

Do puppets like having their strings pulled by tyrants? what
kind of stuffing do you prefer? In addition, does the webmaster
treat you well?

Wonko's Reply:

Apart from his hand up my ass, yes. Marionettes have strings.
Puppets have hands.

***

13.Apr.2008 2:08

From: Darath

Re: iPod

I keep having dreams about having iPods of different models
(often nonexistant) and playing with the touch wheel. I already
have an iPod, so what's up with the dreams?

Wonko's Reply:

iPods are sexy.

***

12.Apr.2008 11:15

From: 2 questions

Re: General

can lighting strike from the ground up towards the sky?

if yes, how does it do this?

Wonko's Reply:

I am no scientist, but I believe mots lightnight strikes between
the clouds. However, as I understand it, lightnight does strike
from the ground to the sky. It's just like a long spark between
two things.

***

3.Apr.2008 22:27

From: Lee

biglittleguy10@yahoo.com

Re: which came first?

which came first; the chicken or the giant alien spaceship?

Wonko's Reply:

The small Alien spaceship came first, and when they asked the
alien to ride it, the alien said no. He was the first chicken.

***

31.Mar.2008 10:02

From: cecile

meme906@live.com

Re: movies

could you please tell me have to get free movies online that do
not cost money

Wonko's Reply:

It's on the site; please arrest me.com

***

28.Mar.2008 18:30

From: Dc

dc96@aol.com

Re: Hey

Iam going to punch you in your mouth fart in your ear throw you
off a building run down stairs open the door go outside pick you
up punch you in the mouth

Wonko's Reply:

Cool. I'm a puppet... you're a cartoon character.

***

14.Mar.2008 22:07

From: Sololop

ian.10.macdonald@gmail.com

Re: Xyzzy

Whats the point of that link, is it a riddle, a puzzle, or is
there some random button, or what.. it's very odd. Or was it
just put there to make people ask questions, like the blinking
light on answering machines.

Wonko's Reply:

XYZZY is an inside joke. If you're on the inside, it was funny.

***

10.Feb.2008 18:32

From: Fullblown DaDa

Re: Life

What's the best way to get over a broken heart?

I've tried getting p1ssed and screwing around, but that's
getting old real fast.

I need an answer quick! I'm going nuts...

Wonko's Reply:

The Jarvik-7

***

17.Jan.2008 17:17

From: Rebecca

international_velvet1111@yahoo.com

Re: Wonko!

Wonko! Tell us about your childhood and early stages of your
personal development!? Ehhh? Ehhhhhh???

Wonko's Reply:

I am a puppet and have no memory of the factory I was sewed in.

***

13.Jan.2008 13:23

From: liz

crazyliz123@aol.com

Re: questions

How come the sky is always blue? Which game do you like playing
on frogstar.com? Do you like celebrities? do you have aim?

Wonko's Reply:

(1) It isn't.

(2) It's Your Fault

(3) I have little use for aim since I seldom shoot or throw
anything.

***

7.Jan.2008 23:50

From: Sololop

ian.10.macdonald@gmail.com

Re: Billiards

When playing 8-Ball if you completely miss every other ball with
the cue ball is that considered a "Ball in hand" and the other
player may place the cue ball wherever he wishes?

Wonko's Reply:

When playing 8-Ball (known by many names) there are lots of rule
variations. If you're playing on a table that doesn't allow you
to pull sunk balls back, then BALL-IN-HAND is a popular rule.
ANY fault can give the other player that advantage.

***

30.Dec.2007 18:05

From: cOOL gUY

seanthecomixer@yahoo.com

Re: daily LOL

Why isn't the daily LoL daily???

and why don't your webcams WORK!?!?!?!?

Wonko's Reply:

Odd. Webcams should be working fine.

The Daily LOL stoped being daily a while ago, but may again one
day get more updates.

***

10.Dec.2007 17:38

From: Steven

Re: Odd Question

Wouldn't an odd question be:

Do you like Club Cow or Penguins?

Or What is 3 times 5?

Wonko's Reply:

You confuse "odd" with "silly" what is funny about "what is 3 x
5"

***

22.Nov.2007 11:26

From: MHJKFJHJGFJ

LULY.KISS@HOTMAIL.COM

Re: IOIJJKJKG

DO U LIKE CLUB PENGUIN AND COWS

Wonko's Reply:

I had never heard of Club Penguin, so I used google and found
it. It looks like a neat game, so I guess I do like Club
Penguin, and I have always liked cows. Steak especially, but in
geeral cows have a cute look to them.

Odd question.

***

3.Nov.2007 23:05

From: Bob

rjnichols@earthlink.net

Re: Sign in

Wonko? Is that Hungarian?

Wonko's Reply:

Wonko is taken from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. I am
not hungry.

***

23.Oct.2007 21:47

From: Still not Koer

Re: Blood

I knew it! Your advice was flawed, anyway. The room started to
smell a few weeks after the paint job.

***

20.Oct.2007 19:12

From: mtj

Re: Nice.

TouchÃ©, Wonko.

***

14.Oct.2007 10:50

From: mtj

microtrash23@gmail.com

Re: Re: Cats

About a month ago, you answered a question about how to get
blood stains out of clothes and off the walls and floors. You
responded by telling Not Koer that he should create more blood,
and make everything red.

Blood would eventually turn brown, and the CSI scanners would
detect blood, not just solid colors.

Besides, wouldn't it be easier to just paint and dye everything
red, without blood?

Wonko's Reply:

I wanted him to get caught.

***

29.Sep.2007 12:45

From: Tickle

Re: Life

I'm trying an IQ test, and I'm stuck on a question.

If LIVED is to devil, then what is 6342 to?

Wonko's Reply:

Spiced Ham.

***

13.Sep.2007 21:18

From: Not Koer

Re: Cats

Okay, I took your advice about the cat. Now what do I do with
the body? And the large bloodstains on my clothes and floors?
And walls?

Wonko's Reply:

Every so often somebody asks me this question. How do I get rid
of the blood stains. Sometimes it's a teenage girl asking,
sometimes it's a murderer.

My answers are usually based on life experience, and I've not
had nose bleeds since I was in grade school - so long ago, they
actually called it grade school.

My best suggestion is to create more blood. Dye the clothes in
it, and flood the walls with so much, that everything is red,
and it'll look like the wall colour.

Somtimes the best place to hide is obvious. If the whole room is
red, even the CSI scanners will only show up as solid colours.

***

13.Sep.2007 10:51

From: Ger

ardinn2001@yahoo.com

Re: Your Spelling

Hello.

I remember a time when you used to give out about people who
cant spell correctly.

Now all I see are mistake after mistake, This is not a criticism
but a question as to why you've become so lax?

Wonko's Reply:

What the hell do you mean "used to give out about people"???

I was always harder on grammar than spelling.

***

13.Sep.2007 10:45

From: Ger

ardinn2001@yahoo.com

Re: Spiders

Hey oh great one!

I recently moved to the countryside and I am terrified of
spiders, The ones out here are Massive, any solutions as to how
I can overcome my fear?

Wonko's Reply:

Hmmmm... Breed snakes!

***

12.Sep.2007 18:19

From: Hmm

no_diggety_no_doubt@yahoo.com

Re: Wonko!

Will I ever get that purple elephant that I wanted? XP

Wonko's Reply:

Yes, but it takes years to breed them, so it may not be for a
while.

Now a White Elephant is in a lot of rooms... but you asked for
purple.

***

8.Sep.2007 14:42

From: Brandi

the_Freaking_tooth_fairy@yahoo.com

Re: Neg.

I'm 15 and am seeing a guy. At first he was kind of reluctant to
go out with me for the mere fact that, I am unusal, and that his
friends don't like me. But He finally broke down and asked. But
last night, the 3rd night we were dating, he tried to put the
"moves" on me. And I don't mean just kissing.. How should I put
it to him that I'm not ready for that yet? He says it feels like
we've been dating for a long time.. Ugh. Sorry this is so long.
But I thought maybe you could help. I really like him and don't
want to break up with him either.

Wonko's Reply:

Be unusual. Be proud. Its not unusual however to want to go slow
with first or early relationships.

Solution: Tell him how much you love Frogstar.com, and tell him
to visit this site, and this page. He'll read this and get the
idea.

Peer pressure is bad, except when you tell people to visit
Frogstar.com

(This is supposed to be funny, not serious)

***

6.Sep.2007 22:33

From: Not Koer

Re: Cats

I have a cat. See, he's had a furball caught in his throat for
about 2 weeks. We've given him this anti-hairball cream, but it
hasn't helped much. See, he licks out new kitten a lot since we
bought him (2 months ago). Do you think we should go to the vet?
It is serious?

Wonko's Reply:

Not serious at all. Let it die. It's only a cat.

***

4.Sep.2007 16:48

From: Joe

Re: Canoes and Kayaks?

Hiya Wonko mate;

Here's the ULTIMATE Question:

What is the difference between a canoe and a kayak!?!?!?

Thanks!

Wonko's Reply:

Interesting. Canoe.com ad kayak.com both having nothing to do
with Canoes or Kayaks.

Kayaks have a hole in the top, and Canoes have their holes in
the bottom.

***

3.Sep.2007 14:32

From: Koer

Re: General

Hello Wonko!

You know how Duke Nukem 3D, Wofenstein 3D, and games like that
are, well, 3D, but they're not really. It has something to do
with floating textures... Can hou help explain this?

Wonko's Reply:

THREE-D is three dimensions... length, width and height. 3D
doesn't always mean it HAS three dimensions in reals space, but
we can still SEE the three sides on a flat 2D surface.

TV is 3D-ish...although we really only see 2D on it most of the
time. The Simpsons ae 2D

You're right. It is confusing.

***

17.Aug.2007 13:46

From: Superman Worshipper

Re: General

Do superheroes have heroes? Who is Superman's hero?

Wonko's Reply:

I asked, and Clark Kent likes to watch HEROS, on NBC Mondays at
8pm.

***

16.Aug.2007 18:01

From: Fullblown DaDa

Re: The Universe

Hi there Wonky baby,

Question:

Can something (anything) be infinitely small?

I'm not even going to ask about infinitely big, the universe is
mind boggling enough as it is...

Wonko's Reply:

Infinity is a concept and math problem. I theory, anything can
be cut in two... but real science tels us that math tgheory and
practice often differ.

I like to ponder; There are an equal number of ODD numbers, as
there are numbers. An odd paradox.

***

2.Aug.2007 20:09

From: Kool Joe

Re: Sunlight

Will I really go blind from staring at the sun? Or is that just
a myth?

Wonko's Reply:

Sometimes, Moms are right. I have puppet eyes and have stared at
the sun for hours... trust me when I tell you, the sun has
nothing interesting worth starting at anyway.

Stare at something interesting instead, like Frogstar.com

***

2.Aug.2007 12:08

From: the guy that accidently came here

Re: General

will I ever be back?

Wonko's Reply:

if only just to see how I answered, I'd guess yes.

***

2.Aug.2007 1:04

From: Your Evil Twin Oknow

evilpuppetbastard@hotmail.com

Re: Your impending doom...

Hello WONKO. I, the almighty and powerful and far better looking
sibling OKNOW, have come to test your pathetic little brain with
a question. What is the secret to destroying you? P.S. Mom says
'hi'

Wonko's Reply:

I am not made of any great magical material. I would guess fire
would burn me. In fact, there is no secret. There are lots of
ways to destroy a puppet... but I hae the same power as Doctor
Who to keep me immortal. You can destroy my body, and I can just
order a new one from the store.

***

29.Jul.2007 20:03

From: Frank

Firechef@cox.net

Re: Dog in pool...

Hey Wonko, how can I get my dog to want to get into our pool?

Wonko's Reply:

Hmmm... A good question.

Maybe if you fill it with gravy... or stand by the other side
and call the dog. Unless it's a poddle, it won't be smart enough
to walk around, and may dive in to get to you.

Third answer: IT'S A DOG! Throw it in. WHo cares what it wants.

hehehe

No animals were harmed in the answering of this question.

***

27.Jul.2007 10:04

From: Fortuna

Re: Keep it or not

Should I have an abortion without telling my boyfriend?

Wonko's Reply:

I never know if these are serious questions or not, because this
is primarily a humour site and I certainly don't like making fun
of abortions. They may burn my house down.

I will say this. Abortion decisions are not simple ones for most
people, and can have LIFE LONG effects you can't predict. While
it may or may not be the best choice today, the future emotions
will surprise you.

Finding out about it later may be worse or better. Experts
smarter than me suggest you discuss the choice with a lot of
people you love and trust before deciding.

***

22.Jul.2007 21:00

From: rebecca

Re: General

Do you believe in the Blanket Theory? How do you veiw the
universe and do you believe that God is an actual being or is he
some kind of energy that people make to be real? (Assuming you
believe in God?)

Wonko's Reply:

I don't believe any existing religions have the story right, but
that's OK. I understand the need for answers and a belief
system, even if it's based on faith and not fact. (It kind of
has to be I guess).

I'm just afraid of religions unwillingness to change as facts
appear. f we ever discover new secrets to the universe, will
they be open to these ideas. This scares me most. We've seen how
more killing is religion based than anything else.

I personally am developing my own church and belief's and one
day, my book may pay for my retierment. It's based on the "pick
a story and go with it" system... just don't kill those who
disagree.

***

20.Jul.2007 14:29

From: Vince Besse

gravityman140@verizon.net

Re: TRANSFORMERS!!!!

Hey Wonko,why did ya delete my question? Do you really hate
Transformers that much?

What's your favorite Triple-Changer?

Springer

Blitzwing

Octane(my fave)

Sandstorm

Wonko's Reply:

I have no idea what any of those things are.

***

13.Jul.2007 17:07

From: Master

Re: Puppet sex

Do puppets reproduce? Or do they just do it for fun?

Wonko's Reply:

Puppets don't need sex. They have fingers up their asses all day
long.

Cheap joke, but what else did you expect.

***

12.Jul.2007 17:11

From: Angela

Re: Huge trouble

I'm happily married with three kids, but a cute young guy at
work has been coming on to me for weeks, and yesterday we went
to his place at lunch time and we slept together. He wants to
keep seeing me, and he's fantastic in bed - while my husband
hardly ever gives it up and it isn't that good when he does.

What should I do?

Wonko's Reply:

I won't call it pathetic to look for advice from a puppet to
justify your cheating ways. I understand how good sex can
confuse a life in so many ways... equally as much as a lack of
good sex. I'm a puppet, not a prophet.

I will say, it can't end well for everyone. You'll be among the
damaged.

***

29.Jun.2007 18:02

From: Mr.Teague

macdaddyteague@yahoo.com

Re: Life

Do you like McDonalds?

Wonko's Reply:

I eat their breakfast frequenty.

***

28.Jun.2007 9:46

From: Cheezemansam

wodyinhs@yahoo.com

Re: Life

Do you have to be a certian age to feel true love? (im not
talking infatuous appearance based stuff they feed us on T.V.)

Wonko's Reply:

I believe not, however love chages with age. The love you feel
at 6 and 16 and 46 is different, as is love everytime.

The love you feel as a teen is different because of the lack of
experience. You don't know what you don't love yet.

***

21.Jun.2007 21:44

From: Buzz Burbank

Re: The goddess

How can I get her to realize that I exist, without the chance
that she will ridicule or hurt me?

Wonko's Reply:

Isn't that what MySpace is all about? The new way for teenagers
to nudge and get noticed, and avoid possible rejection.

I have lived a long life, and learned many lessons that younger
people ignore. You have to learn your own way, but let me say
that NOT dating is worse than REJECTION. Missing out on teenage
kisses and hugs is a huge loss. Being rejected by one you like
is hard, but far more short term, than the effects of NOT trying
and not succeeding.

You may only have eyes for one today, but if you fail with her,
more will follow.

Practice makes perfect... not trying leads to inexperience, and
a lot less fun overall.

Its the same with other things too. If you're afraid to build a
model because it might be bad, you'll never know the joys of
model building.

When you're old, all you have is your stories and memories. If
you didn't try, you'll have nothing to talk about.

***

17.Jun.2007 18:06

From: Koer

Re: Life

Today is Father's Day, and I got my dad Star Trek original of
DVD, along with a Sudoku board game. Do you think he'll like
them? The total cost was over $100. Do you think I over did it?

Wonko's Reply:

I can only say you overdid it if he doesn't like Star Trek or
Sodoku. Spending money is always a personal thing.

If he was happy with the gifts, then essentially you paid for
that smile... and his pleasure. It's sometimes hard to know what
will generate the smiles, so overspending may be just a bad
guess.

But Dad's should appreciate the thought (like the expression
goes) and smile anyway.

Good Dads will know this.

Especially if $100 is a huge significant budget for you.

I personally would never buy myself a Star Trek DVD, but if I
had one, I would love it, and cherish it. Star Trek is like
"comfort TV" to old folks.

***

17.Jun.2007 14:11

From: BellZ

Re: General

Do you ever get tired of answering questions? Your answers have
been kind of...lackluster lately. You feeling ok?

Wonko's Reply:

I answer in binges, unless a really great question catches my
interest. I don't get tired of questions so much.

I get tired of silly questions from the same people over and
over and over. I delete a lot of them, so you may not know what
I'm talking about.

***

16.Jun.2007 23:27

From: George

geo48cg4@excite.com

Re: Angelina Jolie

HI, will Angelina Jolie be reprising the roll that make a name
for herself as Lara Croft Tomb Raider, please let me know.Thank
you

Wonko's Reply:

I have heard they will not be using her for the third film. The
new game even has a different look to it.

***

14.Jun.2007 17:09

From: BellZ

Re: Transformer guy

Why did you delete the Transformer question? Now it looks like
I'm the only one who asks you questions.

Wonko's Reply:

You are.

***

10.Jun.2007 14:16

From: BellZ

Re: Answers?

Are you ever going to answer another question?

Wonko's Reply:

Yes.

***

29.May.2007 19:40

From: BellZ

Re: General

Have you seen the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie? Did you
like it?

Wonko's Reply:

I have not yet seen the movie. Life is long.

***

25.May.2007 16:13

From: BellZ

Re: Sleep [deprivation]

How long can a normal human go without sleeping?

Wonko's Reply:

I waited a few days... Still up?

EDIT: How about now?

***

22.May.2007 18:29

From: BellZ

Re: The universe

Ok, Wonko. Enough arguing. Real question:

Let's say that their is an entirely different universe living in
everyone one of our blood cells, and these millions of universes
make up our bodies. That is also what our universe is like. We
are just one blood cell that makes up some other huge object
that is also apart of some other larger universe.

Would you agree with this?

Wonko's Reply:

I do not agree with a theory like this, but I have often
wondered similar things. Cells remind me of stars often. The BIG
BANG could be like birth.

A good scene in MEN IN BLACK shows us that Galaxies can be of
any size.

Was there a question?

***

20.May.2007 16:05

From: BellZ

Re: Re: Prinny Power!

I want to respond to your answer of the question "what would you
do if you saw an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?"

Humans are not the only animals that don't let our weak die. I'm
sure other animals protect their young.

Other animals can also feel compassion when other animals die. I
don't think that we know the psychology of other animals as
normal beings, but I'm sure that animals do experience feeling.
I'm sure animals are just like humans; some care, and some
don't.

Wonko's Reply:

None of us know the truth for sure, but I can think you're wrong
on some points.

I was referring to species, not individuals. In what we refer to
as the animal kingdom, the weak die. EVolution is based on it.

Humans do their best to give everyone a chance because we care,
even when the weak are not our own. We're screwing evolution.

***

16.May.2007 9:32

From: She Negro

Re: General

whats the average size of the mans..penus?..is there an average
size?..well does size matter?

Wonko's Reply:

Size only matters in the esteem of the owner. Confidence and
pride effect everything.

If you care, it matters.

If you can get over it, you'll be a better person.

***

13.May.2007 18:57

From: Axel The Dark Hero

Re: Prinny Power!

What would you do if you saw an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

Wonko's Reply:

laugh.

I laugh at the entire idea of endangered anything. Life moves
forward and species die... we pay the consequences.

I am not saying it's not sad we have to look at pictures o
DODO's instead of seeing them in cages at a zoo, but earth is
all about evolution and moving on. In 3000 years, whoever is
still alive won.

And in 6000 years - same deal.

It may not be humans.

No matter what you believe in, you can't deny the world is
changing every day. Humans are the only animal that don't let
our weak die.

And feels compasion when we see others die. Lions don't feel bad
when Zebras die. I don't know for sure, but I believe lions
probably don't feel bad when they see other lions die.

***

12.May.2007 18:04

From: Brendon

fluffyindiekid@gmail.com

Re: Romance

Do you think that romance was greater achieved during the 19th
century, or is it equally possible to find the same amount of
love for someone during today's times?

Wonko's Reply:

TV teaches us what love is... and that is probably not a good
thing, but people who have known real love know it isn't
definable... and it hasn't changed since the first days of men
and women.

or men and men or women and women...

Love is.

A bitch. I do believe we can find it more than once per life if
we need to, but it will be different every time.

***

9.May.2007 14:01

From: ken

Re: wonka

ok while im on the subject of candy how about willy wonka is his
factory like in the tv or the movies?

Wonko's Reply:

Kermit the Frog is a TV and Movie Star, but still a puppet, and
in fact, one that has changed it's master as many times as I
have... but Willy Wonka (no relation) is a fictional character.
You do understand the difference, right?

***

8.May.2007 19:05

From: Axel the Dark Hero

Re: I'll make you fun sized!

What is Kermit The Frog's Apeal?

Why do people like him so much?

Wonko's Reply:

hey. He's the Frog Star.

***

8.May.2007 14:13

From: ken

Re: skittles

do skittles really come from a rainbow or has tv warped my
little mind?

Wonko's Reply:

A bit of both. Al colour comes from the concet of a rainbow.
Light is colour. Colour is light.

Actually, the truth is, the colour of skitles ON TV is a rainbow
made up of only three colours.

***

3.May.2007 14:32

From: ken

Re: school

why dose school suck so much? i want to learn but for some
reason i in this place i cant. also what did you do on 4/20?

Wonko's Reply:

Part of the reason school is designed to suck, is to help teach
you that life includes chores and lessons beyond who discovered
America. Half of the school experience is learning facts, and
half the experience is learning to deal with life. You may
notice it doesn't suck for everyone. Your choices and
personality are part of the issue.

The good news is, it's less than half your life. Buck up and
wait it out. Summer jobs suck more, and if you're lucky - it'll
suck less every year.

P.S. True potheads don't wait till 4/20

***

1.May.2007 14:20

From: Name

Re: Subject

Can I borrow your toaster for a week?

Wonko's Reply:

Only if you promise its not to throw in a tub while you bathe.

***

29.Apr.2007 19:43

From: Axel the Dark Hero

Re: Shouyou Weenie

I tried to take you advice but Ledgendary senetor Apothesis was
in court....

Now for my next question... How the hell do i escape the pit of
a thousand hells? (this is serious as mo0st of the hells are
about listening to different boy\girl bands.....)

Wonko's Reply:

Many cultures believe you don't hve to die to be caught in a
hell, and I can see you're one of them.

Often, changing your shoes or moving to a different room is
enough. In your case, pushing a different preset on the radio
may be the easy solution. Earth bound hells are the easy ones.

***

27.Apr.2007 9:23

From: Jones

Re: Life

Is it true that SPAM stands for "Stuff Posing As Meat"? If not,
what does SPAM mean?

Wonko's Reply:

SPICED HAM actually.

I just recently learned SPAM is trademarked and "spam" in all
smallcaps is the way I'm asked to talk aboyt junk mail.

MmMmMmm... yummy SPAM SPAM SPAM.

***

23.Apr.2007 0:24

From: Axel the Dark Hero

Re: Shoyou Weenie

When bribing the Dark Council, What should I use?

Wonko's Reply:

Brown Sugar.

***

20.Apr.2007 10:43

From: T.J. Ramone

fluffyindiekid@aol.com

Re: Happy 4/20

Happy 4/20, Wonko. Many potheads are firin' it up today. So, my
question to you is, should marijuana be legalized?

-T.J.

Wonko's Reply:

A tough question. Let me say that I do not believe people should
go to prison for drug use, It seems silly that people are in
jail for years and years for minimum usage in some cases, and
criminals that take my credit card numbers from an email and buy
a piano go free.

However, I also don't believe we should make it legal for
everyone to try and use freely.

Drug users often say LEGALIZE IT, but the truth is, the world
would change quite a bit if drugs were as popular and easy to
acquire and use as alcohol or cigarettes. Scary.

Then again, they were pretty free and legal in the 40's and we
all survived.

If you use drugs casually, I don't think you should be terrified
of jail. If you steal my piano to pay for those drugs - then
maybe.

***

17.Apr.2007 21:20

From: Lingling

prof_lingling@yahoo.com.au

Re: life

Why do people enjoy breaking and destroying things? is it just
human nature or is there somthing more involved. I for one love
to smash things with a hammer.

***

14.Apr.2007 21:40

From: Duke

Re: General

Wonko, why is it that nowadays, the only thing that people care
about in a video game is graphics? What happened to the 16-bit
era where people cared about game play, and didn't critisize
games because they didn't have enough blood in them?

Wonko's Reply:

First off, I disagree that people only care about graphics. I
would say SOME people do, and others care about game play and
strategy and other elements.

Video game designers try to out-do the last generation of games
so that they can sell. These days, it is easier to enhance
technology and graphics than it is to write a better game. Games
were good years ago. Brains have not changed as much as
technology, so NEW games have amazing graphics, but may still
suck as games.

I miss Command Keen and Jumpman personally, and the better
graphics never did Loderunner a bit of good.

***

14.Apr.2007 14:47

From: Back

fluffyindiekid@aol.com

Re: Mole Station

My mom caught me on molestation.com, what should I Do???

Wonko's Reply:

I tried several answers and decided every one was in poor taste.
EVen the question doesn't really mke sense, since molestation is
an act usually done TO you, not BY you... so if you were
researching such a web site (which desn't exist by the way), it
would be becaiuse somebody is molesting you - and I can't really
make fun of that.

***

12.Apr.2007 7:38

From: Jesse

Re: General

I think what arbor meant was 'why Isn't it ironic that "save the
trees" picket fences, that are carried by people against cutting
down trees, made of wood?'

I ask you the same question, Wonko.

Wonko's Reply:

Environmentalists who want to save the trees are the lamest of
all. I can understand saving wildlife, or non renewable
resources, but trees are in no danger. We're not running out of
trees. If anything, whatever we'd use to replace trees is far
far more wasteful and non renewable.

Id you see somebody with a SAVE THE TREES sign, punch them.

To date, I have never seen a SAVE THE TREES SIGN.

***

12.Apr.2007 7:34

From: James

Re: Life

Is my cat's nervous system complex enough to allow for
fantasies?

Wonko's Reply:

I'm no expert, but I don't believe the nervous system relates
much to whether your cat can dream or imagine things.

I believe cats do dream of a time when the food arrives, and
they can ignore us more.

***

11.Apr.2007 14:24

From: tom

tommyvod1@hotmail.com

Re: do you think i'll ever

do youthink i'll ever date a suicide girl?

Wonko's Reply:

Much like a lottery, you have to buy a ticket to win.

You have to KNOW a suicide girl and ask her out.

***

8.Apr.2007 15:59

From: Koer

Re: General

Wonko, I've noticid a severe lack of popularity in Trading Card
games, ie: Yu-Gi-Oh, Pokemon, Magic: The Gathering, etc.

My question is: What happened to their popularity?

Wonko's Reply:

POP Culture in general comes and goes. Part of what makes youth
like something, is that it is different from what our parents
liked. Music changes, fashion changes, and recreational games
change.

Pus, Trading cards were stupid anyway. I was happy to see that
one lose pop culture status.

Then again, I'm old. Monopoly and checkers never went out of
style.

***

5.Apr.2007 14:35

From: ken

Re: General

sorry i ment to type kill my self how should i do it?

Wonko's Reply:

I bet if you could lick yourself, you might not want to die.

***

5.Apr.2007 14:33

From: ken

Re: General

i think ill likk my self how do you suggest i do it?

***

4.Apr.2007 19:44

From: something to ponder

Re: General

why does shit stink?

Wonko's Reply:

I would not say so much that it stinks. More accurately, it
smells like shit. And to humans at least, shit smells bad... so
we know not to eat it. If chocolate smelled like shit, we
wouldn't eat it either.

Nature is smart.

***

1.Apr.2007 23:32

From: Koer

Re: Life

My parents are divorced, but they're still friends. Other than
obvious reasons, why is it that most divorced people can't stand
to be in the same room with each other?

Wonko's Reply:

I think you have it backwards.

Most people who can't stand to be in the same room with each
other are wise to get a divorce.

***

30.Mar.2007 11:07

From: Michaela Connolly

Re: boyfriend and mom

Thanks for answer my question...and your are right...i should
not pressure him into to giving it up unless HE wants to...thats
great advice...i shouldn't be so selfish...me and him have been
going out for a year and 1 month now...going on strong...i love
him so much...i have another question though...even though i
love my mom...she can be extremely mean...i cant take it
anymore...she treatens me...and even says that i should go live
with my dad...should i ??...or should i get wait till i graduate
and get out of there ??

Wonko's Reply:

Everything in life eventually becomes the story you tell. Youth
is a hard time for many, and as adults, we tell the stories of
how iut shaped us to make us who we are. Some have better
childhoods than others, and some choose to let it make them
better or worse adults for it.

How we react to others is wo we are. If you are in a tough life,
let it make you sronger, not meaner. Learn from the treatment
and react in the way you want to be.

Its hard I know, and you won't know how you did till you're old,
telling the story of how your home-life made you who you are.

I had a good home life, so I may not be the best to instruct,
but I have met many good strong people who didn't come from a
good home life.

I've also met many dickheads and crimminals who blame it on
that. A mother's respect - both ways - is important, but if you
don't have it today, don't take the easy out and become a slime
asshole because of it.

Pride beats shame every time, and there is almost always some
way to find pride if you look for it.

I'm not always this serious. I hope you're not as well.

***

29.Mar.2007 14:02

From: ken

Re: puppet

wonko thanks for answering but you didnt answer why are you a
hand puppet so....why are you hand puppet and dose that make you
immortal?

Wonko's Reply:

Correct me if I'm wrong - and I know you will, but a Hand Puppet
is the only way I know of to remain immortal without breaking
laws of what we call physics. I can be passed from hand to hand
over time, and gain and retain the wisdom of all my masters.

I can't say why I was born this way. It's all I've ever known.

***

29.Mar.2007 4:13

From: i have blue sox

blue_sox_red_jox@hotmail.com

Re: INBRED PEOPLE

If ADAM and EVE were the first two people wouldnt we all be
insest??

Wonko's Reply:

Whether you believe that story or not, history is filled with
brothers and sisters having sex. The entire British Empire and
others are based around wedding close family.

We only figured out it was bad in more recent times. Now only
Southern Americans do it.

***

28.Mar.2007 16:08

From: Alan M in the UK

Re: General

Dear Mr Wonko, where do all the pen lids go?

Wonko's Reply:

It would be cheap humour to say they're next to the lost socks.
I was going to say they're next to the mustard in the fridge,
but very few people would understand that I can never find the
mustard in the fridge, so that would not be funny either.

I use click pens personally, so I am not well rehearsed with a
funny answer. I've seen a guy in accounting chewing on a pen
cap, so maybe he knows.

***

28.Mar.2007 15:00

From: Michaela Connolly

Gusyapplegoofyforrestgump@yahoo.com

Re: Boyfriend

okay...My boyfriend used to smoke pot...but he said he would
stop for me...but some of my friends said that hes using
again...what should i do ??...should i confront him about it
??...or wait for him to tell me ??...

Wonko's Reply:

I don't think people should stop "for you". They should stop
because THEY want to. If you make a boyfriend do things he likes
"for you" then you might not be his girlfriend for long.

... or he'll attempt to hide it and lie. That doesn't mean he's
a bad person...it means he loves you AND pot.

***

28.Mar.2007 14:31

From: ken

Re: world

ok to end my sucky 6 months of life im to take over the world
what is the best way to do that also why are you a hand puppet?

Wonko's Reply:

I have watche dalmost all the BOND movies and the Austin Powers
films and although many of those ideas to take over the world
were great, they all failed to work because there ar people out
there who's job it is to stop you. Bush is trying too, and he's
got a team.

Start smaller. Take over a mid western city in Kansas.

***

28.Mar.2007 3:14

From: Koer

evil_donut_man@hotmail.com

Re: Life

What do you think about the Canadian sky? I have visited
America, and I have found the Candadian sky to be more beutiful.
And is it possable to see the Northern Lights in Manitoba?

Wonko's Reply:

The strangest experience in my life was travelling the
underground tunnel between Windsor Ontario and Detroit Michigan.
For those who don't know, they're almost the same city, half in
Canada and half in the States.

When I came out the US side of the tunnel, the sky actually
looked different. Darker somehow. It freaked me out.

***

27.Mar.2007 18:38

From: arbor

Re: General

why are the "up with the trees" signs made of wood ?

Wonko's Reply:

I don't know what UP WITH TREES signs are, but why wouldn't they
be made of wood?

***

27.Mar.2007 14:24

From: ken

Re: life

my life really sucks and keeps getting worse what do i do and
also whats a good way to kill time?

Wonko's Reply:

I've lived a long life, and one thing I can tell you, is that it
changes. Sucky life is usually less than 6 months.

Killing time is easy. There... we just killed a few seconds
asking.

***

17.Mar.2007 20:13

From: someone wondering

Re: General

is it possible to break ones nut? one and only one of them and
still be able to function correctly?

Wonko's Reply:

Lots of men have only one nut. I'm not sure if they lose one
because they break it. Is cancer breaking it?

***

16.Mar.2007 20:59

From: lonnie the monster

nowayjose@urmama.com

Re: is?

is wonko the greatest thing since sliced bread, or what? wasnt
sliced bread great? i mean, isnt it great?

Wonko's Reply:

It's 2007, and WONDER BREAD has re-invented sliced bread. They
have whole wheat WHITE bread now. Does that make sliced bread
better? What happens to all those things in life that were
better than sliced bread, less impressive?

***

7.Mar.2007 20:32

From: Jeff Goebel

jeff@frogstar.com

Re: boyfriend

how can i make my boyfriend trust me? we got into a lot of
problems during the month of january and i dated someone else
while we were broken up. we're back together now and all he can
do is compare himself with the guy i was with for like 2 weeks.
i try to make him feel better about himself but nothing works.
please help me?

Wonko's Reply:

We can never know what is going on inside the head of another,
especially around romance and love. Trust is a hard issue to
rebuild, especially among boyfriends.

My suggestion, pay him lot and lots of money, and always cook
for him. He may not trust you, but he won't leave.

***

7.Mar.2007 18:04

From: bob

nowayjose@urmama.com

Re: none

if i told u that i loved u would you say you loved me too? would
you tell me that i'm beautiful? would you tell me i was your
world?

Wonko's Reply:

Yes, but I may lie to get sex.

***

7.Mar.2007 11:08

From: jjoosseepphh

flipx5@aim.com

Re: Earning Money

What is a good way to earn money quickly?

Wonko's Reply:

win it.

***

5.Mar.2007 0:10

From: joe

nunya

Re: =)

i cut myself, what should i do about it>? i need help. do u have
any advice? am i an emo kid?

Wonko's Reply:

Emo kid? I don't know what that means. Is that a muppet? No,
that's elmo.

Oh well... you asked the question two or three days ago and I
only answered today, so maybe you're already dead.

EDIT: I used Google (as always to look up Emo Kid.) It seems it
doesn't matter what I answer. You don't care.

COOL EMO KID: doesnt care what ppl think, likes a good band
whether they are on mtv or not, and won't stop listening to some
band just cuz everyone suddenly 'discovered' them.

Sorry. I'm wise, not prompt.

***

1.Mar.2007 22:49

From: Jeff Goebel

jeff@frogstar.com

Re: ummm.

Wonko. Why can't the sky be purple or hot pink or something?
blue is just getting old. dont u think?

Wonko's Reply:

Perhaps they only let you out for a few hours a day. Where I
live, in Canada, our sky is all colours from a nice orange (my
fav) to purple and red and white and grey and blue and
occasionally hot pink. Northern lights are even green sometimes.

***

25.Feb.2007 19:16

From: Alan M in the UK

Sorry, that's classified!

Re: General

Dear Mr Wonko, surely the answer to the question below is,
'Anything that isn't so big that it makes his eyes water'?

No disrespect, but I felt a compulsion to answer that myself.
And while we are on the subject, what's the normal size penis
for a girl?

Wonko's Reply:

I wish I had a paid drummer to add rimshots after my jokes.

If I did, I'd say; "MINE".

Is that wrong?

***

24.Feb.2007 22:53

From: justin killabrew

chocoliker@aim.com

Re: hey

whats the normal size penis for a guy?

Wonko's Reply:

This has been asked and answered over and over. Please stop
asking. Ask your teacher or priest.

***

20.Feb.2007 19:09

From: wonko...

Re: General

how come when you eat fruit loops you poop funny colors

Wonko's Reply:

I don't think I do. Maybe you should have asked why you poop in
colour.

I'll ask, how close do you look at your own poo?

***

9.Feb.2007 16:25

From: casey

keefe@budweiser.com

Re: hey wonko

Do you think my boyfriend should stop smoking?

Wonko's Reply:

Tell him to drop and roll, or throw some water on him. People
should never be on fire.

***

9.Feb.2007 10:11

From: dan

dan1234@aol.com

Re: life

what am i going to be in life

Wonko's Reply:

I am not so much a fortune teller as a giver of wisdom and
immortal experience. However, I would guess from what you've
given me, a low level employee where punctuation and capital
letters are not important.

A typical AOL user.

***

7.Feb.2007 15:28

From: ManOfSteele

Re: General

Why is your name wonko?

Wonko's Reply:

My parents named me.

***

7.Feb.2007 13:31

From: john

Re: size

How big of a penis is too big?

Wonko's Reply:

I was tempted to make a joke about your mother, but I don't
usually stoop to that level.

Most women would agree that you can have a penis that is too
big, at least for normal pleasure. However, men with really big
penis issues seem to do well in film and the party world as a
novelty act.

I would say however, that Wonko isn't the best person to answer.
Each girlfriend you encounter wll offer a different answer, so
my answer would be:

Too big? Ask her.

***

7.Feb.2007 10:45

From: richard

cheeryitalianhobo@yahoo.com

Re: whats a widget

whats a widget

(pronounced WIH-jit)

Wonko's Reply:

Way back when I was a kid, a widget referred to a fictional
product that didn't exist. We used the term as a tool when we
learned marketing or other business classes. The teacher would
say something like; We're selling widgets. Widgets did not
exist.

Today, they seem to have become a computer term for "anything",
so I can see where you'd be confused. The most popular use is
Yahoo Widgets, which can refer to any small program that uses a
widget engine to lessen certain programming tasks.

I like the good old days.

***

28.Jan.2007 20:27

From: me

Re: General

The World's Hardest Riddle

i turn polar bears white

and I will make you cry.

I make guys have to pee

and girls comb their hair.

I make celebrities look stupid

and normal people look like celebrities.

I turn pancakes brown

and make your champane bubble.

If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.

If you look at me, you'll pop.

Can you guess the riddle?

Wonko's Reply:

It seems like air or water or mist... air in water?

I wouldn't say it's the world's hardest. Batman has solved
harder ones.

When you enter "I turn polar bears white" into Google, the
answers come up everywhere including, ironically, Yahoo Answers.

The answer to the "worlds hardest riddle" is pressure.

I should have guessed it, but I've never been particularly good
at puzzles. My Mom would have taken the time to figure it out.

***

26.Jan.2007 17:52

From: Yahoo@yahoo@myspace.com

Re: General

I think yahoo answers is better than this place dont you think
so too...........

Wonko's Reply:

Yahoo answers are better. I agree. They may not be as silly
however.

***

26.Jan.2007 17:51

From: Student007

Re: General

i need help with my homework can you help me?

Wonko's Reply:

It's 17.

***

26.Jan.2007 17:49

From: THe MAn

Re: General

what is the best game system?

Wonko's Reply:

Intelevision.

***

26.Jan.2007 17:48

From: ttt

Re: General

what is the hardest question to answer

Wonko's Reply:

Are you asleep?

***

19.Jan.2007 23:06

From: me

Re: dreams

do humans have dreams every single night and just not remember
some or do they dream every once in a while?

Wonko's Reply:

We dream more than you might think. I dream while awake and
while asleep. I dream when I close my eyes and when they're
open. Dreaming is another word for thinking. You may confuse
dreams with specific stories, but they can be instant random
thoughts too. While reading this sentence, you may already have
dreamed about something else.

Just because you don't remember, or are not aware of dreams
doesn't mean they don't happen. Your mind is seldom idle.

During sleep, there are period of non dream states. You don't
dream constantly, but you will dream. Your brain needs to think
and rethink and dream while asleep.

***

8.Jan.2007 12:58

From: Rebecca

Re: General

What are you political stances, and do you support Bush? Is
America going to hell or what?

Wonko's Reply:

I'm an immortal being, so Bush is just an 8 year phase in
history, just like when teenagers listen to bad music.

I'm not American, so I'm in the majority that look and watch
with amazement, rather than the minority that think it's right.

I'm fascinated with the concept of controlled democracy and
swapping parties. The dependency on flipping alternatives every
decade or so.

I'll be fascinated to see how it all turns out in 100 years, and
what stories we'll be telling about this war and this
administration.

***

21.Dec.2006 15:55

From: Markus Lane

skinnyblackjeans

Re: General

Dear Wonko...

Is being emo a crime?

Wonko's Reply:

I've actually met Emo. He is a funny commedian with an obscure
style. HE may not be the kind of funny everyone likes, but I
don't think he's illegal.

***

19.Dec.2006 17:55

From: Person23754

Re: General

What is the meaning of life?

Wonko's Reply:

42.

***

19.Dec.2006 17:54

From: Bigg Johnn

Re: General

why wonko why

Wonko's Reply:

I try to answer people's questions, but the truth is, when the
questions suck big time, it's hard. Then it's hard. That's why.

***

15.Dec.2006 17:21

From: Wonko

Re: General

I just killed someone and i had to tell someone without getting
caught. Wow what a big relief i just let off my chest...Oh yea i
bet you cant find out who i am

Wonko's Reply:

There are a few web sites (and churches)n for such confessions.
Here, you're supposed to ask questions.

***

14.Dec.2006 2:50

From: Jeff Goebel

jeff@frogstar.com

Re: General

Well Wonko i have to say i admire the person you are...Answering
ALL the questions you get must be tuff....i was just wondering
what a vigina should look like...sumtimes i think mine looks a
little strange but then again ive never acctually looked at
another vigina before so how am i supposed to know..

please help

Love Jennifer

Wonko's Reply:

That is like asking; what is normal. One of the coolest aspects
to earth and humanity is that there is room for uniqueness. Your
vagina looks like your vagina, and that can't be wrong.

Vagina Pride!

***

11.Dec.2006 17:28

From: SimonCow

Re: General

if everyone thinks outside the box and people are telling
everyone to think outside the box isnt evryone still thinking
inside the box???

Wonko's Reply:

I agree that with each passing year, the box grows. However,
unvonventional thinking is just against the norm. If everyone is
thinking outside the box, then thinking INSIDE a box could be
unconventional.

***

11.Dec.2006 17:24

From: Mission impossible 4

Re: General

if a man has a sex change and is now a woman. which bathroom
does he go into???and can the man marrie another man if gay
marriage is illegal in that state they were to get married in???

Wonko's Reply:

(a) If a man has a sex change, she IS a woman.

(b) People who have sex changes are not necessarily gay. You
show ignorance in place of humour.

***

9.Dec.2006 23:09

From: repunzel

Re: lost love

Wonko I have fallen in love with a man and he also with me but
he cant deal with my past work history as a prostitute. I have
stopped now but he still feels sick and there is a huge trust
issue. This really sucks..

Wonko's Reply:

Trust is a tough one. When people lose trust, it's hard to get
over, because it stays in the back of your brain, and even when
you SAY you're over it - you'll always jump to untrust thoughts
when the situation arises.

Prostitution, while some may regard it as a noble profession, it
is a choice that effects you forever, even after it's over.

I can't answer how to resolve trust issues. I have my own.

Love doesn't always conquer all.

***

29.Nov.2006 15:59

From: SIMON $$234

Re: how

how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck
wood?

Wonko's Reply:

3 cubits.

(a weak answer for a weak question.)

***

29.Nov.2006 15:42

From: Blank dude 345

Re: truth

is thier any such thing as absolute truth.

Wonko's Reply:

yes. That.

***

27.Nov.2006 13:20

From: Lauren

007Lala@gmail.com

Re: My Question on Life, etc, blahblahblah

Question: If you make enough money to live on, but are
constantly behind on bills due to a previous financial position
when you didn't have enough money to live on, then how are you
supposed to be able to get current and (fat chance) save some
money?

Wonko's Reply:

If you're American, you sue somebody.

The problem with the world these days is, there is way too much
stuff to buy.

***

21.Nov.2006 18:52

From: Scott MacLean

Re: Aren't you lucky

Aren't you lucky to have a guy who can switch this guestbook
over from Access to SQL Server, without losing any of the
existing data? If you get this, it worked. :) Have a nice day!

Wonko's Reply:

Yes. I am lucky to have a sysadmin who helps me. I'm old. I need
all the help I can get.

***

20.Nov.2006 14:08

From: Polo

Re: Roses

Do the color of the roses matter?...I mean i want to give my
girlfriend some flowers and I want them to be roses...What color
should I get them?..

Wonko's Reply:

I am not a huge fab of answering questions that Google does a
better job at. I just Googled "color of rose" and found a few
nice sites.

---

From Susan Breslow Sardone,

Your Guide to Honeymoons / Romantic Getaways.

The color of a rose can have a very different meaning from what
you intend. To ensure that your love understands what the roses
you bestow mean, check this guide to rose colors and their
meanings:

Red Roses

Red roses proclaim "I love you." They are the ultimate symbol of
romantic love and enduring passion. Florists can't keep up with
Valentines Day demand for red roses, which makes them especially
expensive in February. Buy Red Roses Online.

Pale Pink Roses

Pale pink roses connote grace, gentleness, and gratitude.

Light Pink Roses

A joy to behold, light pink roses express fun and happiness.

Deep Pink Roses

Deep pink roses say "Thank you."

Lilac Roses

Lilac roses indicate the sender has fallen in love at first
sight with the recipient and is enchanted.

White Roses

Pure white roses symbolize truth and innocence. They also send
other messages: "I miss you" and "You're heavenly."

Coral Roses

Coral roses express one thing with their passionate color:
Desire.

Peach Roses

Peach roses speak of appreciation, gratitude, and also sympathy.

Orange Roses

Orange roses communicate enthusiasm and desire on the part of
the sender.

Yellow Roses

Yellow roses indicate friendship and freedom -- so don't send
them if your intentions are romantic and long-lasting. Yellow
roses are also appropriate for sending congratulations to
newlyweds, graduates, Texans, and new mothers.

Dead Roses

Regardless of the original color, dead roses say "It's over"
loud and clear.

COMBINED ROSES

Put two or more colors of roses together, and a new rose meaning
arises:

White Roses + Yellow Roses

A symbol of harmony.

Red Roses + Yellow Roses

A message of happiness and celebration.

Red Roses + White Roses

An indication of bonding and harmony.

MORE ROSE SYMBOLISM

While roses are traditionally presented in bouquet form, these
are also acceptable:

Single Red Rose

"I love you" (but I'm not going to go broke telling you).

Single Rose Any Color

"I thank you" (and I'm still not going to go broke saying so).

Two Roses Entwined

An engagement or marriage is imminent.

***

16.Nov.2006 3:16

From: Sarah

sweet_lil_sez@hotmail.coom

Re: Love

Well theres this boy named josh and im kind of absolutly in love
with him....well hes not the ordinary boy...hes perfect...well
hes stolen my heart and i dnt know what to do..can you help me??

Wonko's Reply:

I don't see the problem.

***

15.Nov.2006 9:24

From: Polo

Re: Once again

Well I ask you last time about my ex girlfriend of What to do
once she just wanted to be friends with me....Well now she wants
to get back with me..what should i do?...should i just go back
with her or should i make her want me more?...

Wonko's Reply:

This is a tough one to answer, but my advice would be this. How
much did you suffer when she broke up the first time, because
some people can handle being dumped over and over. She sounds
like she can dump you at will and have you back as needed. This
means she is in control.

Some men are OK with this. Some men prefer it. Some men prefer
women who actually love them.

***

9.Nov.2006 9:27

From: Polo

Re: Broken heart

Lets say that my girlfriend broke up with me because she said
that I wasnt taking the relationship seriously..Then I try to
talk to her and she just tells me she wants to be friends..I
mean what is that..I dont know what to do?...Should I just stop
talking to her?..Help me out..

Wonko's Reply:

Now I have that song going through my head; "Breaking up is hard
to do".

If your girlfriend is a nice person, and we can assume she was
in order for you to like her, then she wants to break up like a
nice person would.

If she were a TV show girlfriend, she'd throw your CD's out the
window and talk trash about you in a Blog.

You sound lucky. The "let's be friends" speech means she doesn't
hate you... she just doesn't want to be your girlfriend.

Now what you do is the tricky part. You can trash talk her in a
blog, call her a bitch and tell your friends she is a horrible
woman... or you can understand that relationships are all
trials. Dates are designed to see if you're compatible... and
some don't work out.

So "lets be friends" is the best way to break up... you may even
get your music back.

... but I doubt you'll ever be friends... just not enemies.

Not every one of my answers has to be funny I guess.

***

8.Nov.2006 19:51

From: uh jim?

Re: uh

Would an insane person know they were insane? Because sometimes
I seriously tell myself "You are crazy." But then I wonder, if I
was crazy would I be able to tell myself that?!

Wonko's Reply:

I've always hated that old saying that crazy people don't know
they're crazy, and I have protested when people tell it to me. I
am proud to be a kind of crazy, and I certainly know it. I would
not say I'm insane, and don't really know anybody who is - but
if I asked them, I would wonder if they would say; 'Yes! I am
insane". More probably, they'd drool and go; "Wee Wee Wee
Woolups!"

So I guess the question remains unanswered for now.

***

4.Nov.2006 2:09

From: john

10icn@cbiwireless.com

Re: belly button lint

Wonko, With all the holes in the human body big and small why
does lint/fuzz seem to ALWAYS end up in your belly button? The
great minds of T.V. science from the past 10 years have given up
on my question.They all have told me

thx's John

Wonko's Reply:

Dust always settles on surfaces like that. If you were 10 times
bigger, there would probably be pidgeons in your belly button.

Nudists don't have this issue as much, but you wear cotton or a
polyester blend over this hole, and the rubbing creates fabric
dust - otherwise known as lint.

I save mine. I'm weaving a scarf.

***

2.Nov.2006 9:34

From: James

starmace2000@yahoo.com

Re: sex..

At what age should you lose your virginity?...

Wonko's Reply:

Whoooo... a serious life question for me to tackle. In today's
lawsuit happy society, where people have discovered that income
without labour is easiest if you can blame somebody else, I am
not sure I want to be the web site that tells you it's ok to go
get inside some young woman - or gal.

The truth is, age isn't a constant between human beings.
Maturity differs greatly from man to man or boy to boy.

They say a dog ages 7 human years, but dogs get laid before age
2 or 3 every day. This isn't to say you should go looking for
snatch at age 7.

For a guy, I would say the main factor in deciding to lose your
virginity is how likely it is you'll get beaten up by the girls
older brother or father.

Giving up your virginity as a guy is something you can lie about
with success and without proof. You can SAY you lost it anytime,
and when convenient, you can say you didn't.

So... the final answer; lose it when:

(1) It seems right for you.

(2) You have a condom

(3) She wants it... and doesn't say No.

(4) Tomorrow, you won't be upset you did it.

Till then, listen to Howard Stern.

***

16.Oct.2006 21:35

From: Someone living in the Aslyum

Re: Question

What is the meaning to life, the universe, and everything? And,
what happened to the dolphins?

Wonko's Reply:

The dolphins are fine. You may have a condition where you
confuse reality with the books you read or the movies you watch.

Althoiugh I have lived long, I can only express opinions of the
Universe and everything. To me, it's purpose is to live and
experience and learn and have fun trying to figure out an idea
that works for me.

I love life.

I'd hate to be dead, and then the universe's purpose might be
different.

***

25.Sep.2006 15:41

From: George Plimpton's Brother

bbsgggd@ggsggafa.com

Re: Web Site (General)

Hey Wonko! Did you klnow your guestbook and ASK WONKO sites were
not working?

Wonko's Reply:

I didn't... but it explaijns why nopbody was asking questions
for months. Thanks!

It's fixed, but now the SPAM robots ask questions about Viagara
every day that I have to delete by hand.

sigh.

***

15.Sep.2006 21:18

From: gio

giocentriq@sbcglobal.net

Re: Web Site (General)

why are driver up atm machines equipped with braille keys?

Wonko's Reply:

I know! At first thought, this would seem silly, but of course
after reflection, we realize it'd be silly to produce two sets
of ATM keyboards and NOT use the braile ones on the drive-ups.

I am still trying to figure out the braile on road signs out in
the country.

Oh wait... maaybe those are just bullet holes.

***

19.Aug.2006 22:49

From: Jack White

happy_rotten_orange@yahoo.com

Re: Web Site (General)

I remember a while back you answered a question with this
response:

"Some people are born with something I would like to call
"####ed up syndrome," which is to say they think almost anything
is funny. Either that or the fact that BEAN backwards spells
NEAB, and I guess NEAB does sound a little funny....doesnt it?"

BEAN spelled backwards is NAEB, not NEAB. Me good, no?

-Jack

Wonko's Reply:

You may have exposed a truth not everyone was aware of. Although
I am Wonko, and I have numerous times claimed to be an immortal,
the reality is - I am more like Dr. Who in that way. The replies
you refer to were created by the FIRST Wonko. The first 3 or 4
pages were my previous incarnation, before GOOGLE Toolbar had a
spell check, and before he got bored and stopped contributing
replies.

However, I think we have discovered a new syndrome. The "Bored
Saturday" syndrome where somebody has the time and energy and
obsessive compulsive tendencies to read every single entry on a
web site guestbook. Wow.

I'm not sure if I should be impressed, or worried.

***

13.Aug.2006 17:20

From: The Fifty States Backwards in French

Why do you care homo stalker?

Re: Web Site (General)

Have you ever considered changing your name? Wonko just sounds
like the kind of name that makes people think of guys on street
corners begging for change and washing random peoples windows
with cardboard and asking for money to get food but we all know
that once they leave they put on their vercaccis, hop in their
mercedes, drive to their fifth avenue apartments and squeeze
their girlfriend's big fake boobs. You really ought to call
yourself Bobbo. Bobbo just sounds like someone who can give
advice without a big white beard and knowledge of 30 martial
arts and 487 recipes for delicious fruit salads and ambrosia.
From this point on I refuse to call you Wonko. You are now
Bobbo, and you are my bitch. Have a nice day Bobbo. Now get
outta my face and make me some money ho!

Wonko's Reply:

The name Wonko has purpose. I did beg for change at one time
too, so it seems relative. In fact, I still beg for change...
only now it's PayPal money.

***

3.Aug.2006 15:12

From: The Shadow

Re: Web Site (General)

If you took two apples from three, how many would you have?

Wonko's Reply:

I will not say that I can not be fooled, because that would
sound like a challenge, but I will say I am old, and I watch a
lot of TV, so you're not going to fool me with such an obvious
easy question - especially one that has been asked on TV so
often.

If I take two apples, I obviously have two apples.

Not enough for pie.

***

22.Jul.2006 22:41

From: Rebecca

international_velvet1111@yahoo.com

Re: Web Site (General)

Has Sam forgotten about me?

Wonko's Reply:

No. He just stopped calling.

He's with Sally now.

***

29.Jun.2006 3:47

From: The Man in the Shack (A.K.A. MJM)

Re: Web Site (General)

Thanks for the sense of proportion, Wonko.

Somewhere, on some plane, Mrs. Tragula must be pleased.

Thanks also for whatever behind-the-scenes jiggery-pokery was
required to make the intent of my formatting tags manifest.

I should note for the record that the explicit mention of
Dylan's (I won't bother with tags this time) Blood on the Tracks
actually appeared in The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul, and not
the first Dirk Gently book, as stated previously. I'm calling
that a "transcribing error."

FWIW, I didn't mention earlier that the quote from "Norwegian
Wood" in The Salmon of Doubt does include the word "So" (as in,
"So I looked around ... "), but is presented as a one-word
question from Kate Schecter (to which Dirk responds regarding
the apparent absence of suitable seating). I thought that that
was a nice touch, myself.

I'll just go ahead and count the answer to my initial question
as a "no," then. Thanks all the same.

BTW, your friend Jeff has a very cool and enjoyable website
here. Glad he lends you some space.

Wonko's Reply:

One insane message is enough thanks.

***

26.Jun.2006 1:19

From: The Man in the Shack (A.K.A. MJM)

Re: Web Site (General)

Hey, Wonko, congratulations on the Sanity, and the Immortality
as well (apparently). Nice job of it. Shame about the
toothpicks, especially for those of us still Inside.

Anyway, I ask you this as one DNA fan to another.

In Dirk Gently's
Holistic Detective Agency, DNA has a bit of fun in stringing
together (IIRC) four consecutive Beatles song-titles as
dialogue. ("Wait," "Yes It Is," and so on.) In the
posthumously-published unfinished Dirk Gently story The
Salmon of Doubt, he manages to have Dirk say "I looked
around and I noticed there wasn't a chair" (from the Beatles'
"Norwegian Wood [This Bird Has Flown]," of course) and actually
have it make sense. In the original H2G2 radio script for Fit
the Seventh (often called, rather inaccurately, "The Christmas
Episode"), he has Zaphod say "I can't help it if I'm lucky,"
which is of course a direct lift from Bob Dylan's "Idiot Wind,"
off the album Blood
on the Tracks, which is itself explicitly mentioned in DGHDA,
which leads me to conclude that this too is an intentional
inside-joke (note lower-case "i"!) musical/lyrical reference.

My question is, are you aware of any other specific
musical/lyrical reference(s) in Douglas Adams' works which have
escaped me? It's not for an English thesis or anything actually
productive like that, I'm just semi-idly, semi-avidly curious,
and it seemed that a fellow who's enough of a DNA fan to name
himself Wonko the Sane AND who answers questions as a hobby
might be a very good person to ask indeed.

Sorry if there isn't much opportunity for humour in this. But
who knows, perhaps there is. Who can say, who can say ...

-- MJM

Wonko's Reply:

You're looking far to deep to see the thousands of musical
references MJ.

Right from episode 1 of the original scripts of the radio show,
Adams uses the word "help" 12 times, obviously taken from the
Beatles movie of the same name.

If you take every 5th letter of episode 5, it spells out "Jesus
was a sloman", and I have yet to figure out that true meaning,
but it will probably offend somebody, so perhaps it's better
left alone.

He uses the word "I don't" over 200 times in the entire series,
and this is a phrase also used by Elvis in 7 of his songs.

There are probably more if we examine the two word pairs, but I
think that would just be silly.

***

4.Jun.2006 9:07

From: Steven

Re: Web Site (General)

Oh, immortal one...

Dost thou rememerest back to thy early-mid forties? What haveth
I to look forward to? And please don't say 45!

Wonko's Reply:

You mean the 1940s? Not a good time, but I don't think you can
look forward to the past.

Oh wait... you mean age 40s. Age is what you make of it. I enjoy
being outside the world prime demographic.

***

29.May.2006 19:42

From: Cliff Tripton

Re: Hiccup Cure

I once took a cure for hic ups and now longer no more have them,
is there a way in which by regaining hic ups one can regain the
blues, and get playing again?

Wonko's Reply:

I am having a hard time understanding your question, and so I
would suggest that you have enough issues and problems that you
should be able to sing and play the blues without hiccups.

In fact, of all the things to sing the blues about, hiccups is
probably the worst one, because you interupt the sonmg with each
hiccup, and thus sing horribly.

Unless that is your thing.

But understand this... my hiccup cure doesn't CURE you so you'll
never get hiccups. It's just a cure ONCE YOU GET THEM... so next
time, just don't use it.

Old Joke: Doctor, it hurts when I do this. Doctor replies; don't
do that.

If you want the hiccups, just don't stop them the next time they
come.

Send me a CD.

***

25.May.2006 23:08

From: Mo

wouldn't you like to know

Re: Web Site (General)

Why do we dream?

Wonko's Reply:

Most scientists agree everybody dreams. Whether you remember
your dreams is a different question. I frequently remember my
dreams, and they're strange. I fly a lot in my dreams. Last
night I was teaching Rob Lowe how to fly around a hospital.

Why we do it is still an unanswered question. I always figured
it was a luxury. Since I can't fly while awake.

***

20.May.2006 13:46

From: Hot

alex@gmail.com

Re: General

I am ASL for Remuera West Scout Group in Auckland. I will be
visiting Coventry in November and would like to pay a visit :))
My cousin Matthew Townsley is a member according to his brother
John, whom I am visiting. Would like to visit and swap notes

Wonko's Reply:

These are the kinds of entries that really puzzle me. Then, on a
lark In decided to google it. It's a bad Guesbook scam spam.

http://www.google.ca/search?ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&sourceid=deskbar&q=%22West+Scout+Group+in+Auckland%22

Still not sure why.

***

26.Apr.2006 18:59

From: Pinkpinny3

Re: Web Site (General)

Hi Wonko TS

Is Acton High School something I should know about?

Do you have a dyson or a bag in your cleaner?

Do you ever get bored?

TTFN Pinky

Wonko's Reply:

Acton High School is a high school in Acton Ontario. There is no
reason to know any m ore about it unless you care.

I want a Dyson vacuum, but I do not own one currently.

Bored is a state of mind.

Say Hi to The Brain.

***

18.Apr.2006 8:27

From: Koer

evil_donut_man@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Wonko, why is it that when I hit my NES, it works, but when I
hit my computer, it makes sparks, and I smell smoke?

Also, have you ever played Final Fantasy 1 before?

Wonko's Reply:

I don't believe your HIT causes smoke and fire. How can I be
expected to answer questions that contain lies and exagurations?

However, the basic answer is, NES is plastic, and computers are
metal. Plastic doesn't spark.

***

13.Apr.2006 12:07

From: Sam

saminns.ca

Re: And Everything

Dear Wonko,

I was wondering about how to get rid of the durn pop-ups on my
puter. I tried everything! well I tried a LOT of things
(registry cleaners,drive cleaners,adware and spywear
cleaners,anti-virus programs...) but they still keep comming!

Also, why do men treat nice women so horribly?

Wonko's Reply:

Question 2 first: The world is made up of four types of people.
Nice and Not nice, male and not male.

You've mixed types. Easy mistake.

First question: This one is easy. http://stuff.frogstar.com is a
fun web site, but also a guy who does home and office
troubleshooting. Call Frogstar and have somebody come to your
home and remove the spyware on your computer that is making the
PopUps. It may be HOTBAR or some other evil tool. Frogstar - $45
an hour for over 10 years.

(Thanks for letting me plug my sponsor. I never get the chance,
considering the banner above this page clearly says DON'T ASK ME
SUPPORT QUESTIONS! Oh well... nobody reads today.)

***

7.Apr.2006 14:52

From: loneystar2

DalekCity@netscape.net

Re: Life

Quite often British comedy programmes flop in America. It's not
usually that they are rubbish but that American's just don't
comprehend satire and irony. I was wondering do Canadians?

Wonko's Reply:

Canada still holds more close ties with Britain than the USA of
course, and we still have Coronation Street on Government run TV
everyday.

I can't say we show Monty Python any more often than the USA
because I always watched it off a Buffalo PBS station.

I personally never liked Benny Hill, but that may just be me.

Regardless of how we interpret Satire, a lot of British comedy
relies on you having lived in Britain and a certain familiarity
with the British icons and celebrities they satire.

Having said that, I think we'll take any opportunity to say
Canadians are better than Americans and answer; Yes.

Canadian TV comedy is different than American comedy to be sure.
It has a more European style in many ways, and is not driven
entirely by ratings. We produce shows very popular in Europe.
That's what I'll use as my backup.

***

6.Apr.2006 21:37

From: hiccup

waffle

Re: The Universe

is there a god?

Wonko's Reply:

People seem to confuse me with a different guy. I admit to being
immortal, at least so far. I admit to being wise. I do not
however, know everything.

I am certainly not going to risk telling you what I know about
Frank... err... I mean a possible God.

However, when you use a lower case g as you did, the answer is
easy. There are many many gods. Some would call me a god...
mostly my Mom.

Even an upper case God can exist without argument, because
people believe. Like Tinkerbell says, sometimes all it takes is
a belief.

***

5.Apr.2006 15:20

From: alex

rhahn@ev1.net

Re: Life

why do u answer questions in such a weird way? i think you're
gay.

Wonko's Reply:

When you've lived a long time, you remember "gay" was the kind
of o'time Fred Flintstone had. I like to believe I am happy more
often than not, and I thank you for noticing.

***

1.Apr.2006 15:00

From: safhfdhfgs

adghtrhh

Re: The Universe

I'm dreadfully afraid of pirate leprechauns with no ears that
throw meat-pies at cow potatoes. Could you please tell them to
leave me alone? Also, I'm getting a strange suspision that
YOU'RE a pirate leprechaun with no ears that throws meat-pies at
cow potatoes. LEAVE ME ALONE!

Wonko's Reply:

Thats a very specific fear. I wonder if there is a name for the
phobia. I have an uncle who fears leprechans with ears. He never
eats lucky charms at all.

I have no suggestions for you. Try hypno therapy.

***

31.Mar.2006 19:46

From: rocky

Re: Life

hey wonko... reading these questions have really opened my eyes.
really... its hard not to close them now... reading at 4 in the
morning gets you tired... wat should i do????

Wonko's Reply:

Sorry I didn't get around to answering your question yesterday.
I was asleep.

I assume you've fallen asleep by now. Reading Wonko questions
and answers usually puts people to sleep.

***

31.Mar.2006 17:24

From: Slavid

Re: And Everything

Salute to Wonko

You truely are the sanest person whom I don't know.

Have you considered an anthology of sayings, like the little
book of wisdom of the Dalai Lama?

p.s. two in row banned - I learn someit else there! Better ask
another quick.

What is the original meaning of the name 'Wonko'?

Kindest regards

Slavid

Wonko's Reply:

This web site is my anthology, but thanks for the praise.

"Wonko the Sane" is actually taken from a story in the
Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy series about me... a man who
lives in and inside-out asylum. The rest of the world outside
are the crazy ones.

***

29.Mar.2006 16:41

From: Slavin

Re: Life

Wonderful Wonko

I ask before- was I zapped? My question is:

If USA (as is, ie the country south of Canada) had lost it's war
of independence, would it now be like Canada (a cool free
liberal democracy just like England (or France ne pas), and not
at all full of religious biggots and rigged elections (or was
that Iraq?). Also would lacrosse be their national sport? Would
they still be coloured red on the Atlas (at least in England
(empire and all that!?) Thats two questions - what the hell - be
zapped anyway. Slavin sleep now.

Wonko's Reply:

First, there are several reasons questions don't get accepted.
Swear words, Spam keywords, or two posts in a row are all
discarded automatically. Nothing personal.

As an immortal, I can answer the wisdom of what has been, but
can only guess at what could have been.

The war of Independance was mostly because of religious nuts. We
wanted our own versiuon of the rules (and taxes) rather than the
King's version.

If USA had lost the Independence war, then Will Smith and Jeff
Goldblum would have had British accents and the aliens would
have been Dalecs.

You would be paying a million dollars for a commercial during
the Cricket Challenge and knocking the teeth out of soccer
players instead of football.

***

27.Mar.2006 18:49

From: me

you

Re: And Everything

you were a baby?

Wonko's Reply:

Yes. Some would say I still am. As compared to the universe, we
all are.

Time is relative.

***

25.Mar.2006 19:12

From: The Ultimate Question

UltimateQuestion@ultquest.tuq

Re: And Everything

Why?

Wonko's Reply:

I've been asked this one a few times before, and the answer is
always the same. The same answer my mother told me when I asked
her as a baby.

Why?

Because I said so.

***

25.Mar.2006 3:39

From: Me

Merlin@merlin.com

Re: And Everything

So if 42 is the answer...what is THE question?

Wonko's Reply:

We're still waiting for the computer to calculate that one.

***

23.Mar.2006 14:54

From: Mike

yeah,meagain@this.net

Re: Life

so, what exactly is the purpose of inflatable bread-paste?

Wonko's Reply:

When you don't have enough time to let your dough rise on it's
own.

***

20.Mar.2006 12:01

From: name

name@name.com

Re: Life

Why is the united states the best country in the world and
canada tries to be like U.S. they should be more like iraq cuz
canada sucks

Wonko's Reply:

Wisdom knows that most people tend to believe what they have is
best. This is easy to understand.

I think you'd find most countries do NOT want to be like the USA
whenever possible. Canadians spell things like colour, just to
stand out and be different. In general, we also don't vote for
judges, buy watery beer in variety stores, or shoot each other.

***

20.Mar.2006 8:31

From: Koer

evil_donut_man@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Wonko, with the question concerning of where the good times
went, and if they'd come back in compact form,and you replied
"chocolate", I disagree.

It is not chocolate, but Commander Keen, and old side-scrolling
game from the early 1990's.

Also, is white chocolate really a chocolate?

Wonko's Reply:

I miss Commander Keen. It was one of my all tiem favourite PC
games... close to my fond memories of Lode Runner and Jumpman on
the C64.

But Chocolate I can enjoy anywhere, anytime.

White chocolate makes me sick.

***

19.Mar.2006 18:44

From: Slavin

Re: And Everything

Wonko The Sane

You wouldn't happen to know what Canada's national sport is, do
you???

(I bet it's something really cool!)

Wonko's Reply:

I actually went online and did some research for this, because
my idea that Lacrosse WASN'T the national sport was based on a
memory.

I remember hearing that it wasn't, even though everywhere you
look, it is listed as Canada's national sport. Here is a clip
from the best article I could find. (Eye Magazine)

--

CANADA'S NATIONAL SPORT?

Forget everything you've heard: lacrosse has only been the
national sport of Canada for about 11 years.

In 1869, William George Beers, a Montreal dentist and the father
of modern lacrosse in Canada, published a book called Lacrosse,
the National Game of Canada. Beers claimed that Parliament had
declared lacrosse Canada's national sport in 1867.

The myth was perpetuated by lacrosse boosters and indifferent
hangers-on alike for 95 years, until an MP from Norfolk County,
Ontario named Jack M. Roxburgh put forth a bill proposing that
hockey be named the national sport of Canada.

Roxburgh, a former president of the Canadian Amateur Hockey
Association, had examined the earliest Parliamentary records and
had found no evidence of Beers' original claim. A rival bill
supporting lacrosse was put forth by stunned MPs, and Bill C-2
was brought to debate on June 11, 1965.

Great debate ensued but no resolution was made regarding either
sport, and the issue lay dormant after that Parliament was
dissolved. On Feb. 8, 1994, another MP, Nelson Riis of Kamloops,
filed Bill C-212, which again called for hockey to be named
Canada's national sport. The bill was later amended and
eventually passed, recognizing hockey as Canada's official
winter sport and lacrosse as Canada's official summer sport.

However, deeply ingrained myths, like old habits and Bruce
Willis, die hard. The Canadian Lacrosse Association's website,
www.lacrosse.ca, still claims that lacrosse "was named Canada's
National Game by Parliament in 1859," a full eight years before
the first Parliament of Canada was formed.

EDIT: More Canadians love Hockey!

***

18.Mar.2006 11:44

From: Bill Garnet

wgarnet@sympayico.ca

Re: And Everything

who is the only contry to ever beat the USA in mens field
lacrosse? When and where did it happend?

Wonko's Reply:

Lacrosse world championships have been dominated by the United
States, particularly in the men's game, where the only world
championship game loss at either level was in the 1978 final to
Canada. The USA has won 8 of the 9 senior men's and all five
under 19 men's tournaments to date.

Many people (including Wikipedia) believe Lacrosse is Canada's
national sport. In fact, this is totally false.

***

17.Mar.2006 19:58

From: Random Guy

Re: Life

if someone gets a sex change which bathroom do they go
into???and no i am not getting a sex change...just a question.

Wonko's Reply:

I would like to believe they go in to whatever bathroom they
most LOOK like visually. This way, neither you or I have to
worry about it. I don't want any trouble.

I've lived this long without getting in a fight, I let people be
who they are.

***

17.Mar.2006 19:02

From: MEMEMEMEEEEEEE!

WEWEWEWEEEEEE@GEEGEEGEEGEEEEEEEEEEEE.LEE

Re: Life

Dear Wonko,

With so many problems in the world today it seems that
everything is going the wrong way. What's gonna happen when
everything gets so chaotic that everything is destroyed by the
follies of mankind? The real question is what is your advice on
fixing it?

Wonko's Reply:

I've lived a long time. Long enough to have seen almost every
culture that has existed since the dawn of time think their
period is the worst, and getting worse.

When they invented fire, everyone was worried it would lead to
burning things.

There have been worse wars, worse unemployment, worse murders
than there are today.

If you want to know how bad life is today, ask a teenager. This
is the greatest time to be alive, if you're a teenager. It'll
never be as good as this again.

***

17.Mar.2006 18:52

From: Slavid

Re: Life

Great Wonko

Help me out again on this one. A little deeper than perspecs
issue (I should have spotted that! doh!). Only vegetables
benefit from the Greenhouse effect. Only George Bush argues
against stopping the greenhouse effect. Therefore QED and ipso
facto, George Bush is a vegetable. My question is: His 'name' is
a bit of a dumb giveaway, isn't it?

Wonko's Reply:

Your logic fails. George if from Texas where meat is King. He is
not a Vegetable... he is an idiot.

If he were a Vegetarian, he'd have to keep it a secret. Nobody
from Texas is allowed to be a Vegetarian.

***

17.Mar.2006 18:50

From: MTC

MTC@mtc.mtc

Re: Life

Can you see the future? If so, what will C grow up to be?

Wonko's Reply:

I can only see the future a day later.

As of yesterday, C was still just C. I strongly suspect it will
be C tomorrow too.

***

16.Mar.2006 18:14

From: Slavid

Re: And Everything

Oh Wonko

Why is perspex spelt with an x?

Wonko's Reply:

Because Perspecks is an eyeglass shop in Wisconsin.

***

14.Mar.2006 12:51

From: JL

JL@gmail.com

Re: Life

what is the best excuse to use in order to get out of the house
when i am grounded to go to a party on a friday night

Wonko's Reply:

Ask me Saturday.

***

14.Mar.2006 0:20

From: Michael Elkin

m_elkin@msn.com

Re: And Everything

will I get the gas fireplace to work

Wonko's Reply:

Yes.

Insert section A into slot D instead of C like the manual says.

***

13.Mar.2006 14:14

From: Mike

thegoodol'stuff@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Dear Wonko,

Ever had deja vu?

Wonko's Reply:

You asked me that already...

Didn't you?

***

12.Mar.2006 9:36

From: Alan M in the UK

Re: Life

Mr Wonko, when George W Bush said, "I know the human being and
fish can coexist peacefully," do you think he was actually
making a very profound observation regarding human arrogance
towards other life-forms that share this planet with us? Was it
a noble attempt to raise the world's awareness of the folly of
hunting down other species to the point of extinction, be they
aquatic or otherwise; species that have evolved over eons, only
to be swiftly wiped out by a race of opposable thumbed upstarts,
the new kids on the evolutionary block, who are no more than
over-developed-frontal-lobed simian offshoots with delusions of
grandeur?. . .

On the other hand, do you think that Mr Bush made this comment
because he is a very, very, very, very, very, very silly
president indeed?

Wonko's Reply:

Humans are not the only reason things go extinct, although we do
seem to cause more than our fair share of deaths.

Evolution involves death, in that only the strong, or smart, or
well hidden, or smelly survive.

Unless they rig elections, in which case they tend to cheat
extinction.

***

11.Mar.2006 17:11

From: Mike

me@cox.net

Re: Life

If I threw a lamp party, and I brought my lamps to your house,
and you brought your lamps to my house, and....and I brought my
lamps to your house, then why are turtles green, and can I have
my lamps back?

Wonko's Reply:

Let this be a lesson. If you throw the party, you are
responsible for all loss.

I am suspicious that the "lamps" may in fact be bongs however.
The turtles are green because your friend painted them.

(See also: It's your fault)

http://frogstar.com/fault

***

7.Mar.2006 22:51

From: Jon Ericson

drawntogether@aol.com

Re: And Everything

what is the best game for the ps2 right now

Wonko's Reply:

I've answered similar questions before. The word "best" is such
a weak word because it's legally allowed to mean nothing.
Advertisers are able to use "best" without caring whether
anything is even close to really best.

Best for me, isn't best for you. I like Lode Runner and Jumpman
and Intellivision Tennis. I don't own a PS2.

***

6.Mar.2006 13:07

From: Bill Gates

Bgates@microsoft.com

Re: Life

what should i do with all my wealth and why is it that you are a
poor bastard

Wonko's Reply:

I do not believe you are Bill Gates, and even if you were, you
certainly would not need me to tell you what to do with your
wealth.

I might suggest however, sending me some via PayPal.

***

3.Mar.2006 12:18

From: ijkl jkk

jkljkl@jkl.com

Re: Life

wonko dumb?

Wonko's Reply:

Cool. My old Friend ijkl from the stone age. While I learned to
speak English over the centuries, I see you still stayed
pre-historic. Cool.

***

25.Feb.2006 22:19

From: delila

buggEbrane92130@yahoo.com

Re: And Everything

how eactly do you put up with these ignorant questions? and why?
i mean... dont you get sick of answering them just to know they
asked them as a joke and probably already know the answer? what
prevents you from just poisoning everyone?

Wonko's Reply:

I may live for a hundred more years and never feelk the need to
poison the idiots of the world. Stupid people make life
interesting.

***

19.Feb.2006 3:46

From: Yammy

poolewill70@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

Where have all the good times gone, and can they be re installed
into a compact package to savour and enjoy?

Wonko's Reply:

It's called Chocolate.

***

15.Feb.2006 13:51

From: wickedclown06420

Re: And Everything

why is sec so good

Wonko's Reply:

Hmmmm...

SEC

Definition

Securities and Exchange Commission. The primary federal
regulatory agency for the securities industry, whose
responsibility is to promote full disclosure and to protect
investors against fraudulent and manipulative practices in the
securities markets.

I guess that's a good thing.

***

13.Feb.2006 23:18

From: mE

Re: Life

what time is it in south Carolina, if i live in California????
difference??

Wonko's Reply:

One of the coolest aspects of time is the theory of NOW.

It is NOW everywhere simultaneously, or at least it was. When I
type this, it is NOW here and in California. When you read it,
it is still NOW.

Cool.

See also: theory of now.

***

7.Feb.2006 15:06

From: Arthur

Re: Life

Are you a fan of Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey?

Wonko's Reply:

I've been a fan of Saturday Night live since the second year.
The scar is sexy.

***

6.Feb.2006 14:11

From: Annette

Re: And Everything

We learned the song: "This Little Light of Mine" in nursery
school. I think that is a song meant to be sung in a church...
Do you think the teachers were trying to inflict religion on us?

Wonko's Reply:

Actually, it's a Jingle for Maglight.

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Oh, this little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Hallelujah

This little light of mine

I'm going to let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine

***

3.Feb.2006 20:29

From: vegaskid

vegaskid3@cox.net

Re: And Everything

I would like to know about harley davidson history.

Wonko's Reply:

So would I. Look it up and get back to me.

Actually, I lie. I have no interest in the history of Harley
Davidson at all, otherwise I'd have gone to google and entered
HISTORY OF HARLEY DAVIDSON myself and read what came up.

EDIT: OoOOoOo Pictures!

http://stroked.virtualave.net/page2.shtml

***

1.Feb.2006 0:47

From: cornholio

beavis@tp.com

Re: The Universe

Uh... if a guy likes anal with a woman, is he subconsciously
gay? if it matters to me am i homophobic?

Wonko's Reply:

Nothing makes you gay, except an attraction preference for the
same sex. You're born gay or not.

Get over it.

***

29.Jan.2006 19:19

From: phoenix

c_salvado@hotmail.com

Re: The Universe

Tell me O mighty Wonko,

What does destiny have instored to me?

The card reading is blured...

Wonko's Reply:

Immortal means I don't die like you will, but it doesn't mean I
know what will happen tomorrow... only that whatever it is, at
the end of it, I'll still be alive. You may not be.

I can however predict that your eyesight may be effected or the
Tarot ink is smudged.

Tomorrow you should go to the optometrist.

***

25.Jan.2006 21:00

From: Scipo

Re: And Everything

how to get the hiccups

Wonko's Reply:

Excellent question, and it made me laugh out loud. Really.

I don't know of an answer.

***

23.Jan.2006 2:24

From: wanker

xxx@xxx.com

Re: Life

wonko, i am addicted to porn. how can i quit?

Wonko's Reply:

When you figure it out, sell the book.

***

20.Jan.2006 10:57

From: Rob Marshall

robm1434@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Why is there a very strong connection between you and The
Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Wonko's Reply:

Homage.

***

18.Jan.2006 19:11

From: XXXX

Re: Life

I find myself sexually attracted to potatoes. Should I worry?

Wonko's Reply:

The Potatoes should worry.

***

18.Jan.2006 11:13

From: Carlos Salvado

c_salvado@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

how can i achieve greatness

Wonko's Reply:

Posting questions on ASK WONKO is a first step.

***

17.Jan.2006 18:30

From: zak

---

Re: The Universe

how many stars are there

Wonko's Reply:

One of the coolest things about numbers, is that there are many
numbers in the universe, as there are odd numbers.

Infinity is a hard concept to comprehend and many believe it to
be a theory. ALthough I am said to be immortal, I can only speak
to my time in existance up to now. Stars come and go.

In the book The Time Ships, the author travels to the start and
end of time and counts a time when there were no stars, so my
answer is zero. The only time when it was a countable number.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0061056480/104-4839699-3861552?v=glance&n=283155

***

12.Jan.2006 16:37

From: Blank___

kujokeeper1@yahoo.com

Re: And Everything

What is the meaning of life? And should the government be able
to make you join the army and work you hard, if you did not sign
up.(they recuited you).

Wonko's Reply:

I don't live in the USA and am too old to be recruited... but
HOW you join the army isn't important. If you join, or are
recruited you're still saying yes.

When you sign on the line, you can no longer whine.

***

12.Jan.2006 15:44

From: Mike

thisnthat@goscrew.net

Re: And Everything

As 2006 comes around, I think the whole world is wondering, what
are fluffy pony pops? Fans of the story, "Life in Albion Sucks"
know what I mean.

Wonko's Reply:

Ahhh.. the inside joke. I'm a big fan of inside jokes, but when
I'm on the outside it is a little tougher.

I have to assume you're not referring to the Pony Pops we made
in 1847 back when I was a farm hand on a pony ranch. They were
miore furry than fluffy anyway.

***

9.Jan.2006 20:32

From: Jeshua

jeshuaausborn@tlen.pl

Re: And Everything

What is your personal opinion on opinions?

Wonko's Reply:

In my youth, an ENglish professor once taught me the difference
between opinion and judgement.

The cool thing about opoinions is they can't be wrong, but many
people mix them up. An opinion is a thought you can share or
create a new one.

***

8.Jan.2006 18:26

From: Fullblown DaDa

Re: The Universe

Hi there Wonko,

On the deepest point in the ocean, widely believed to be the
Mariana Trench in the western Pacific, which is approximately
11,033 meters deep, would the immens pressure cause the water to
become so dense that it would become viscous or something?

If so, can water become solid?

If not, what does happen to water under great pressure?

Been wondering for a while, and as you know all, you're the guy
to help me out... ta very much!

Wonko's Reply:

Water is a fascinating thing. It's different than almost any
other liquid. Life on earth, and earth itself owns a lot to the
odd properties of water.

One of these special attributes is that water doesn't compress
like air or other liquids. It's the same under pressure. It's
also one of the old liquids that rises (floats) when frozen.

You should check out one of my favourite books by Bill Bryson.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/076790818X/ref=pd_ys_pym_a_1/104-4839699-3861552?%5Fencoding=UTF8&v=glance&n=283155

A short history of nearly everything discusses water, and why we
exist because it's not your average liquid.

***

1.Jan.2006 21:14

From: Anders Jakobsen

a@brygge.dk

Re: Life

Happy new year from me too.

Let me start with thanking you for the answers you have given me
in the past. They have helped me really much

So we all open the book on another year. For me its my 31st of
my life and I know I am approaching the halfway mark in my life.

Being immortal youÂ´ll never reach your halfway point but you
did have a beginning, was born. So in terms of place in life you
will always have a finite time behind you and a infinite time
before you. So in terms of point in life you will stay a virtual
infant forever.

So how do you relate to it? At what point in life do you feel
you are now? If you follow the pattern of mortals (Kid until you
are 15, education until you are 20-30 kids between 20-40 etc),
donÂ´t you fear living in old age forever?

Wonko's Reply:

I used to watch Betwitched or Sabrina on TV and wonder at what
age the witches stay at mid-life for hundreds of years. It seems
her mother was 500 or so years old and she was at least 300...

I wasn't always immortal. Growing up from baby to age 20 I
didn't know I was immortal, which was good because my parents
would have been confused if I'd stayed an infant for 100 years.

After that, I started aging in dog years for a while, and then
just stuck around at 17 where everyone believes they are
immortal and know everything, so it worked out fine.

Happy New year... yeah... whatever.

***

1.Jan.2006 20:00

From: Alan M

Re: Life

Mighty Wonko, Happy New Year!

Question: When not one single living soul on the planet has the
common decency to ask you a question for thirteen days, how does
an immortal - who isn't physically capable of dieing of boredom
- keep himself amused? Are there special chat rooms that your
sort use during droughts in mental stimulation, where you can at
least keep in touch with other like-minded supreme beings? Or
are you just like the rest of us and while away your spare time
by freeze-framing your way through your entire DVD collection of
Back Door Babes (Nos. 1 - 17) till your eyes fall out?

Sorry, that was more than one question wasn't it (there I go
again!)?

Wonko's Reply:

Boredom is a state of mind, and let me tell you, the first 6000
years were bad, but you develop some skills.

Watching people is good fun.

The worst part is developing love and then having it not be
immortal. Mostly TV shows like Arrested Development and Holmes
and YoYo.

***

1.Jan.2006 19:40

From: xxxx: the Aussie God

Re: Life

Potatoe?

Wonko's Reply:

No. Tomato

***

20.Dec.2005 20:51

From: XXXX: the Aussie God

Re: The Universe

Dear Wonko,

Let us assume that heaven, or an afterlife, exists and that at
least one person will go to said afterlife. If this person was
nintey when they died, would they stay senile and odd in Heaven
or would they be regenerated as a virile twenty year old? Also,
if a person died and they were squished, crushed, slicified or
forced through a sieve, would thay stay that way in Heaven?

Wonko's Reply:

Didn't anyone ever tell you what happens when you ASSuME?

We do not know, what we do not know.

What you need is a web site named "Ask a dead guy". I'm
immortal.. what do I know about the afterlife.

***

19.Dec.2005 22:39

From: pat

Re: The Universe

Does everybody REALLY love raymond?

Wonko's Reply:

If I answer YES, anybody could catch me in a lie and claim they
do not love Raymond. The truth however is deeper. It's WHICH
Raymond that counts. The statement doesn't specify, and I
believe it refers to Raymond Krammer Jones of Ohio. You probably
have not met him, but I am almost sure you would love him.

I hear Richard Typer doesn't love him though, so the answer is
still clearly no.

However, a man can love a man without it being strange.

***

17.Dec.2005 20:24

From: Mike

me@cox.net

Re: And Everything

If a mall sign says, YOU ARE HERE, and you go somewhere in the
mall with no mall signs, will the next person see an arrow
pointing to your location saying HE/SHE IS HERE?

Wonko's Reply:

Aha! But the signs never says "That guy is here"... or never
says "Wonko is here". It is read by the person reading it, so
you is not him, and he is not you.

The sign is smart enough to know who you are it would seem.

If you steal a mall sign and move it to your basement, would the
sign change itself?

***

17.Dec.2005 12:37

From: XXXX: the Aussie God

Re: And Everything

Como frijoles?

Wonko's Reply:

Funny story... I went to my Babel Fish language translator to
see what this meant in English. I translated it to; Like
frijoles?

Gee... thanks.

I would say I don't like Frijoles. Not even holy frijoles.

***

16.Dec.2005 10:19

From: number 2

Re: Life

Do you have a penis

Wonko's Reply:

Yes.

***

14.Dec.2005 18:04

From: Steven

Re: Life

If the ultimate answer to Life, the Universe and Everything is
42... And the question is "What do you get if you multiply six
by nine?" Then why are we not all using base 13?

Wonko's Reply:

That wasn't the actual answer silly. That was a joke. Can't you
take a joke?

I have always believed that we use base 10 because we have 10
fingers. If we were cartoon characters, I'm sure we'd be using
base 8.

***

14.Dec.2005 13:01

From: ChiChi

Re: Life

Does taking spanish class really improve my chances of getting a
date?

Wonko's Reply:

No creo eso los medios espaÃ±oles que aprenden que usted serÃ¡
un amante mejor. Los alwys I pensaron que los franceses eran los
amantes del mundo.

***

13.Dec.2005 21:14

From: Rude Racist

Re: And Everything

Should I buy BOOK! ?

Wonko's Reply:

For those that don't know the work, you refer to; Book, a no
name generic product by Jeff Goebel.

I can't with good conscious say you should... nobody else ever
has. I would be shocked and pleased, but if you're doing it just
to delete and show fanship, maybe a PayPal donation would be
more profitable for me (grin). I'll only make $1 on BOOK!

***

10.Dec.2005 23:16

From: Devilbuster

zack_nefzen@hotmail.com

Re: The Universe

Since you are ultimately wiser than me, I suspect you will know
how to answer this:

How did the universe come into being? In Christian religion,
they claim that a being called "God" just spontaneously started
to exist out of nowhere and decided to create the universe. This
is logically and phisically impossible, because you can't make
something out of nothing.

***

7.Dec.2005 11:40

From: travis

sivarot@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

how tall is the grim reaper?

Wonko's Reply:

Sadly, it's hard to know, since anybody who could tell us, isn't
around.

***

6.Dec.2005 18:16

From: KabDar

Re: And Everything

Why does the little plastic cup of milk always explode when I
open it?

Wonko's Reply:

Stop using the hammer!

***

5.Dec.2005 13:40

From: mE

Re: Life

how would you feel if you were the last one to find out the
coolest person in your life is... going into the army?? I mean
you tell this guy everything and then you find out he's getting
married?!!!i love this guy(we're very close, cousins...he lives
w/ me) well what should i do? how should i handle this??
thanks...(serious.)

Wonko's Reply:

First off, let me say thank you for trusting that a humour web
site would be the best place to ask about real life experience.
The final word (serious) has instructed me not to just make a
quick joke, which is of course the purpose of this page. Oh
well.

There are many answers of course, and no way to know which one
is right for you.

Hollywood has tried to teach you these lessons with countless
movies about teenage unrequited love and the cute "buddy" you
took for granted. Have you not been watching movies? That's what
they're for. React the same way Billy on the big screen did when
Janice went off to war.

Your life isn't unique. America sends a lot of people to war,
both voluntarily and otherwise. Many of these men and women have
friends and lives they leave behind. Some even return.

At least these days, you have the Internet and Skype so being in
the army isn't that much different than moving to the suburbs...
at least as far as communication is concerned.

My short answer... live life as it comes, and stop worrying
about how it will play out. Worry more about your friend than
your loss. Keep reading Frogstar to cheer you up daily.

P.S. Isn't it illegal to love cousins?

***

4.Dec.2005 22:00

From: Mr. Piggles

Re: Life

What is Muff Diving? Is it an olympic sport?

Wonko's Reply:

MUFF: A cluster of feathers on the side of the face of certain
breeds of fowl.

I think it's still a spectator sport for now... but maybe not
the same Olympics you're thinking of.

If you really care for details, then click the link below but
don't blame me. Adult content.

http://www.panix.com/~piglet/muff-diving.faq

***

3.Dec.2005 17:39

From: Alan M

Re: The Universe

Omniscient and omnipotent Wonko, what is an occasional table the
rest of the time?

Wonko's Reply:

Wow. I was about to congratulate you on such a creative question
till I did a Google search and saw that it is part of comedy
routines and questions all over the web using the exact syntax.

Anyway... only I can give the REAL answer, because the secret to
the answer is only known by immortal beings. You see, the
Universe is a long time, and "occasional" to you might means now
and then, but to the Universe, 500 years is still occasional.
All occasional tables turn into Flamingos somewhere around the
700th year of their existence, and they stay Flamingos for the
rest of time.

Some items, such as a pot of petunias change into many things
over the course of time.

***

3.Dec.2005 10:34

From: C.A.T.S.

Re: And Everything

Does All Your Base Are Belong To Us?

Wonko's Reply:

Yes, but I am borrowing it for another week or two.

***

2.Dec.2005 21:06

From: Jeff Goebel Fan

Re: And Everything

Why do they say don't trust whitey?

Wonko's Reply:

Ask them.

***

2.Dec.2005 19:59

From: Thomas-the-Great

Re: And Everything

Alright, we're both immortals here. So don't laugh. Should I get
an ipod?

And you you like Grand theft Auto san Andreas? Vice City is my
favorite....

Wonko's Reply:

Two questions at once again... Tsk.. Tsk..

(1) Ipods are in fact cool, although by no means the coolest of
the MP3 players. If you are immortal however, why not make it a
game, and try to own every MP3 player ever invented, and then
blog your reviews.

(2) I've never been a huge computer game fan. I play pinball. I
did enjoy the Simpsons version of Grand Theft Auto, and I loved
the movie a fan made of the original Grand Theft Auto.

http://frogstar.com/video/mytrip.asp

***

2.Dec.2005 18:29

From: Zara

yuffie@iname.com

Re: Life

Do you know how to get a $16 game off the internet without your
parents knowing? Yes, I'm that sad.

Wonko's Reply:

That's an easy one. You buy things off the Internet the same way
teenagers buy alcohol or cigarettes... you simply ask somebody
else to buy it for you.

The guy in a black t-Shirt standing outside the 7-11 might help
for a profit.

***

1.Dec.2005 20:11

From: MonnyMon

Re: And Everything

How'd you come up with the name Wonko?

Wonko's Reply:

"Wonko the Sane" is from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, as
is the site name Frogstar.

It's a great series of stories worth reading.

***

1.Dec.2005 13:48

From: noh bo dy

Re: The Universe

what sign are you if you are born september 22?? all i knoe is
that i am aquarius?!!juss wondering!:)

Wonko's Reply:

Virgo.

They are said to be critical, petty, self-centered and picky.

This makes them especially a good as flame-artists in newsgroups
and forum posts.

***

20.Nov.2005 0:04

From: Dillon

nollid001@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Oh Great and Wonderful Wonko the Sane,

I work in a business that seems to bring out the ugliest part of
nearly every one I meet. I am sure that under any circumstance
other then when I am forced to meet these people, they are very
nice. But when they are brought face to face with me, all they
can seem to do is say, "I want more..."

My question, what stops greed in humans?

Wonko's Reply:

Greed is a tough cookie. Not everyone has it to the same level,
but even the nicest of us doesn't say No to getting as much or
more as we can.

I was going to answer with a quick reply; What stops greed...
the next dollar... but it's not true. Nothing stops it. It's
never enough for some people.

In many ways, greed is the evil that is destroying the world,
and especially the Internet. Greed doesn't have to be good, but
when it overshadows caring for others, it is.

I'm immortal and greed doesn't seem to have an end. The wisdom
of time has only seen greed stay the same, or get worse. The
rich get richer, and sadly at the expense of everyone else.

Your question has made me sad. Maybe we should ask The oracle
instead. If you find an answer, let me know.

***

14.Nov.2005 15:03

From: god

god@godsplace.god

Re: And Everything

Dear wonko,

this is it,

the big question,

the question searched for in the hitchhikers guide to the
galaxy:

Do You Feel Like Chicken Tonight?

well?

Do ya?

Wonko's Reply:

No matter how long man lives, I believe there is one thing
nobody will ever be able to learn.

We can never know exactly how somebody else reacts or feels
about a given situation. We can never comprehend what it is like
to be somebody else.

I can therefore not realistically know what it is like to be a
chicken.

So... I may feel like Chicken, but I can't be sure. My guess is
that Chicken feel differently than me.

I do however have this strange urge to cross the road.

***

11.Nov.2005 16:54

From: Alan M

Re: Life

Dear Wonko, my dog may not be paricularly big, but he can
certainly hold his own against a badger (May I stress at this
point that, as a resident of the UK, I am referring to the
Eurasian badger [Meles meles], NOT the North American [Taxidea
taxus]). The questions are, do you have any pets of your own
and, if so, how do you rate their martial prowess?

Wonko's Reply:

When I first read this, I thought you said MARITAL prowess, and
I try not to get involved in the sex life of pets.

I want to thank you however... now I can't get that song out of
my head.

Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger Badger
Badger Badger Badger Badger

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com

***

7.Nov.2005 18:18

From: Jesh

jeshuaausborn@tlen.pl

Re: And Everything

Dear Wonko,

I have another question. If peter piper pecked a peck of pickled
peppers, wait. You can pick pre-pickled peppers in whole pecks?
Is this some kind of new plant? I'd really like to know. Thanks.

Sincerely,

Jesh

Wonko's Reply:

Aha! The truth of the original Mother Goose rhyme is that Peter
in fact did NOT pick a peck of pickled peppers, for there was no
proof. The peck was nowhere to be found.

The original:

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers;

A peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked;

If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers,

Where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?

***

6.Nov.2005 20:54

From: Jesh

jeshuaausborn@tlen.pl

Re: And Everything

Dear Wonko,

Here is a series of questions that you might answer for me.

Does Welches really put 40 concord grapes in ONE glass?

How many times does Kelso get beat up by Hyde on That 70s Show
and does he ALWAYS scream "MY EYE!"?

And finally, do your prefer your cheesetoast burnt or not?

Sincerely,

Jesh

Wonko's Reply:

Greed is a nasty thing, but I'll try my best to help you.

No

42 and No.

I have no idea what cheesetoast is.

***

3.Nov.2005 16:52

From: Alan M

Re: Life

Dear Wonko, would it be safe to assume that the person who first
coined the phrase 'sure as eggs is eggs' probably never
experienced LSD?

Wonko's Reply:

I can't say I've heard the phrase "eggs is eggs" before, but
even on LSD they're still eggs. They're just epileptic cool
talking eggs.

***

3.Nov.2005 16:47

From: KIMBER

KNAGEL@UNITEDAUTO.COM

Re: Life

WILL I MARRY DUSTY GARSEE

Wonko's Reply:

It depends if they say "yes" or not. It's not just your choice.
You have to ask first however... much like trying to win the
lottery without a ticket.

THis week's numbers are 42 17 and 13 by the way.

***

3.Nov.2005 0:22

From: pat

Re: And Everything

Great Wonko - i seek an answer! WILL the Smashing Pumpkins
reunite? i may not sleep until i know.

Wonko's Reply:

Cool. I am inspired for the first time to NOT answer and see how
long you can go without sleep. Immortals need to experiment with
life sometimes, and this is more polite than polluting the
nation's water supply.

***

2.Nov.2005 19:21

From: Ed

n/a

Re: Life

Obviously he didn't see the woodchuck question that was posted
earlier...quite funny if you ask me. I can't find the donations
button above, Am I that illiterate or just blind?

Wonko's Reply:

Donations had to move off the main page because PayPal objected
to the nude images of Tattoo people.

Feel free to donate anyway. I actually lost a huge contract
recently and will be unable to afford Frogstar unless I find
some income by February. (Ads started today - sorry.. click
away!)

http://frogstar.com/paypal

***

2.Nov.2005 18:52

From: Ed

n/a

Re: Life

How many of you are there, immortals that is? What do you think
your I.Q. is?

Wonko's Reply:

I have no idea how many immortals there are. I'm also unsure of
whether IQ is a reflection of knowledge learned, or more the way
my brain works. Should my IQ be the same at age 6 as it is at
age 60?

I did an online IQ test a few years back while watching TV and
it was 142. I never tried it again without distraction, but I
don't know if I'd do better. I get bored on some of those tough
thinking questions.

***

2.Nov.2005 17:45

From: ThomastheGreat

Re: Life

Can you unscramble scrambled eggs?

Wonko's Reply:

Not me personally, no.

***

2.Nov.2005 7:23

From: ThomastheGreat

Re: The Universe

From one imortal being to the other, and I am sure Wonko will
agree, the ultimate question is "Boxers or Briefs?".

Wonko's Reply:

Wow. How sexist. At least add G-Strings and Nude as two other
options.

***

2.Nov.2005 7:08

From: God

God@Godsplace.God

Re: And Everything

As an immortal being, I often wonder about the one thing which
my resources are unable to discover.

What is the Ultimate Question?

Wonko's Reply:

***

1.Nov.2005 23:18

From: ThomastheGreat

Re: The Universe

Dear Wonko, I to am an Immortal being. Back in high school I
used to get in trouble for knocking small moons out of
alignment. Actually, thats how the dinosaurs were wiped out and
the evolutionary forces were set into motion. I was feeling
guilty the other day...I was just wondering if you ever smited
your algebra teacher... And, is answering all of these foolish
questions all day really that entertaining? Oh, and did you ever
aspire to contaminate the world's water supply with ex lax
shortly before sending the world's supply of toilet paper to
Jupiter? And have you ever wondered if you could use your powers
to undissolve disolved toilet paper? Sorry if this seems long,
it's not often that you run into another omnipitant being....

Wonko's Reply:

One thing I always wondered about immortal beings... at what age
do they stop aging? I always wondered that about TV witches
too... DO they all get to around 40-ish and then live for
thousands of years... and then why is their mother 60ish.

When exactly where you in high school... with Dinosaurs?

I find most posters claiming to be immortal are frauds.

Also, you confuse immortal with powerful. Just because somebody
doesn't die doesn't mean they have super powers. The hard part
is not developing a super-power ego.

One thing you learn about life when you outlive others... guilt
and ego are fads. Wisdom comes from life. The more life... the
more wisdom.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. You also learn how to
cover up smite marks.

***

1.Nov.2005 13:51

From: gurl

garcia32468@aol.com

Re: And Everything

what kind of dog do you have?? do you even have a dog?? does
your life suck?? do you suck?? is it fun??

Wonko's Reply:

Suck is such a strong word, with multiple meanings. As an
emotion, or a mood describer, it seems to be personal. SOmething
I say sucks, you might enjoy... like RAP MUISC SUCKS... not an
absolute statement obviously.

I like to think my life doesn't suck. You may think it does. All
I can say for 100% certain is I don't have a dog.

***

28.Oct.2005 10:06

From: justagirl

Re: Life

What does "spank the monkey" mean? My friends say it quite a bit
and I'd feel too dumb to ask them. Can you help me?

Wonko's Reply:

Have you ever seen those Baboons that have red bumbs? That's
from Spanking.

***

27.Oct.2005 0:31

From: pat

madhouseescapee@aim.com

Re: Life

wonko - perhaps a bit somber for your other readers - but what
are your thoughts on suicide?

Wonko's Reply:

It's the one topic where procrastination is a good personality
trait.

As long as you can put it off till tomorrow, life goes on.

***

25.Oct.2005 4:12

From: justagirl

Re: Life

What is your recipe for success?

Wonko's Reply:

Mainly making fun of bad spelling and grammar, and ignoring the
fact that I do it just as often myself. It's worked so far.

Also, being around for 10 years without ads seems nice...
although I can't guarantee I won't break down and include them
soon.

***

23.Oct.2005 7:41

From: Alan M

Re: And Everything

Why did Marvin Gaye insist that the world is just a great big
onion, when geologists, volcanologists, cartographers,
oceanographers, meteorologists and planetologists unanimously
agree that, clearly, it is not?

Wonko's Reply:

He says;

The world is just a great big onion & pain & fear are the spices
that make you cry

Yes it is

& the only way to get rid of this great big onion

Is to plant love seeds.

What's not to understand? It sounds perfectly clear to me. The
trick is you have to SING it.

***

18.Oct.2005 21:17

From: My name really dosn't matter.

no way dude

Re: Life

What is your beliefe On Jesus christ?

And why?

Wonko's Reply:

To deep for this format. I will say I allow you to believe
whatever you desire, but I probably disagree with it. Please
don't kill me.

***

16.Oct.2005 2:06

From: Bill

Re: Life

Why did Mark Chapman shoot John Lennon?

Wonko's Reply:

To get to the other side.

***

15.Oct.2005 16:08

From: jf

b@b.com

Re: The Universe

How much does Canada weigh? Thanks.

Wonko's Reply:

I can't figure out where to put the scale. Scientists have
weighed the earth, but border disputes and water and ice make
weighing a country hard.

Lets just say we're heavier than the USA. Cooler too.

***

13.Oct.2005 16:03

From: Jt

james.t.fazar@telenet.be

Re: Life

I always wondered what was Captain Hook called before he lost
his hand?

Wonko's Reply:

This all depends on whether Captain Hook is a nickname, or his
given name. I knew a dentist named Dr. Molar.

Hook is a common last name. Perhaps it's just a funny
coincidence.

***

10.Oct.2005 0:41

From: Patrick

madhouseescapee@aim.com

Re: And Everything

Wonko - why is cannabis illegal? i ask in sincerity. I can think
of no truly logical reason. should i throw logic aside as i try
to grasp the meaning of legislation?

Wonko's Reply:

I understand why intoxicants that are not easily detected, and
are easily made are illegal.

The argument makes sense that alcohol should be illegal too, but
it's harder to take rights away thee days than it is to keep
them away.

In general, Governments try to make it difficult to do things
they feel will cause trouble in the grand picture.

***

9.Oct.2005 18:40

From: Alan. M.

Re: Life

Why does the word 'onomatopoeia' sound like nothing you ever
heard?

Wonko's Reply:

But thgis is untrue. When I say "onomatopoeia" it sounds exactly
like that word. It is perfect. You should be more confused about
"Knife", which doesn't sound right at all.

***

7.Oct.2005 6:48

From: sdfsf

a@a.com

Re: Life

what is the ulimate answer for life, the universe and
everything?

Wonko's Reply:

42 obviously.

***

6.Oct.2005 9:41

From: Jody

thething@thing.com

Re: The Universe

Is there an identical planet to earth? If so do I have a twin
there? And what are they doing? Also, do you think there are
aliens? And do you think they look like ET?? Thankyou for your
help!!

Wonko's Reply:

There are many theories, but the science fiction stories and the
science predictions differ. I've been to the other earth and I
am happy to say - you are unique. The other Jody is much nicer.

***

5.Oct.2005 12:17

From: lukey

lukedarockgod@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

Why is chocolate brown?? It is such an unappetising colour...Im
sure if the chocolate factory made it purple or blue or
something then even more people would eat it! I mean all other
kinds of sweets are like orange and pink so why not
chocolate??????

Wonko's Reply:

I think you are confusing ASK WONKO with "ASK A STUPID QUESTION"

http://getstupid.biz/questions.html

Chocolate is brown because that is it's colour. Dying it would
make it less appetizing to me. (I love chocolate)

If you want green chocolate, eat an M&M

***

5.Oct.2005 7:07

From: me

me@place.com

Re: Life

If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it,
does it make a noise? If a noise is defined by the vibrations in
the air, then I suppose it does make a noise, but how do we know
if it conforms to scientific rules if noone is there to document
it?? And if you class a noise as the act of sound waves entering
an ear, then it doesn't make a noise, as no one is there to hear
it. Please help, I'm so confuzzled!

Wonko's Reply:

The easy answer is, there is no place in a forest where no one
is around. Millions, perhaps billions of animals and microscopic
"someones" exist near that tree, and each of them reacts in some
way to noise, or the movement of air or the crushing of the tree
on the ground.

Humans are not the only creatures with ears.

***

4.Oct.2005 16:03

From: Andfro Renrew

Re: Life

How come the message doesn't instantly come up when posted
anymore?

Wonko's Reply:

One person can not post two questions in a row.

***

2.Oct.2005 14:21

From: claire

perry_claire2003@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

Hey Wonko! I've had some pretty weird dreams in my time, but
there's one that's just sooooo weird; I walked into school with
a cake, and I gave it to my music teacher who told me it had a
bomb in it, so he was going to give it to my maths teacher. So
of course I ran out of the building, and as I was running out of
the door I heard a massive explosion! And then loads of people
came running out and my friend said that my maths teacher had
nearly been shot as well, in his words the bullet had 'pinged
off a pipe at the back of the room!'

What the hell does that mean?! help

Wonko's Reply:

That isn't such a weird dream actually. It means you don't like
math, or cake.

***

29.Sep.2005 3:11

From: catharine

catharine@quicksilver.net.nz

Re: The Universe

What is zoroastrianism?

Wonko's Reply:

Zoroastrianism is a small religion with about 140000 members.

More power to you! Believe what you believe.

***

26.Sep.2005 23:21

From: Meowthmaniac

meowthmaniac@yahoo.com.au

Re: And Everything

Why do you earthlings make hotdogs in packs of six and buns in
packs of eight?

Wonko's Reply:

What's the deal with...

That's a joke from the 1970's era... and in today's world, you
CAN buy them in equal packs.

You're here all week.. try the fish.

***

24.Sep.2005 14:24

From: Zack Marin

slagfalcon@sbcglobal.net

Re: The Universe

How are you gentlemen! I was thinking yesterday, what if all my
base didn't belong to someone else? What if all my base belonged
to me? Is there anyway to put the zig back on and get my base
back?

Wonko's Reply:

You're just part of the wrong group. Instead of being you,
become one of us, then all your base will belong to us... and
you.

***

20.Sep.2005 0:11

From: patrick

madhouseescapee@aim.com

Re: Life

dear sir, i believe i am insane. if i suspect my own insanity,
does that immediately cancel out my suspicion? am i sane because
i can evaluate my sanity? (insanity would explain quite a few
things). - thank you for your elucidation

Wonko's Reply:

Sanity... again, another goal. Sanity is a sliding scale I
think. We are all a little insane. Some more than others. It
seems to work in the exact opposite proportions as happiness.
The more insane, the happier.

***

19.Sep.2005 18:26

From: Joe Bob

Re: Life

If normality is only a measure of one's own abnormality, and
everyone has some sort of flaw that makes them slightly
abnormal, then it is possible to say that normaility is
abnormal. Therefore, abnormality is the norm. So, if you are
abnormal, you are actually normal.

With this in mind, what if you are normal? Does this mean you
are abnormal?

Heh, another paradox.

Wonko's Reply:

Aha! Not quite a paradox, but more a mis-usage of the term, for
if normal is based on math, than normal means Asian.

Normality is a goal of many depressed low self esteem people. It
is (I believe) an unattainable goal.

Perhaps "average" is a better term.

***

13.Sep.2005 17:28

From: yo

hehehehe

Re: Life

i know this girl that is REALLYY REALLY ANNOYING!!! i want 2 get
her off my case. how can i???

Wonko's Reply:

Is she on your case 24 hours a day? That seems odd. When she's
not on your case, take the case, and hide it. If she doesn't
know where you7 put your case, she can't stand on it anymore.

***

13.Sep.2005 16:33

From: Anders Jakobsen

a@brygge.dk

Re: And Everything

Has Google become evil?

Wonko's Reply:

Evil is in the perspective.

Almost all evil doesn't believe they are.

***

10.Sep.2005 1:57

From: Zaito Zaikarani

Daijovu@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Has my idiotic little brother been on this site? Most obviously
so. Heh, I feel embarrassed having taught him english.

Question:

Why are you called Wonko the Sane when you give Wise answers?
Why not call yourself, Wonko the Wise?

Wonko's Reply:

Ummm... do you understand what SANE means? Maybe you should ask
your brother.

***

9.Sep.2005 15:18

From: sTINKY

Righto

Re: And Everything

How old are you?

Wonko's Reply:

That's not a question you ask an immortal.

***

8.Sep.2005 0:28

From: Naito Zaikarani

Naito@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

Forgiving me bad english.

Why is my people being called yellow?

Wonko's Reply:

I am reminded of the great movie BACK TO THE FUTURE, or more
correctly II and III, where people chose to call Marty McFly
Yellow(or yella, depending on the slang)

It causes a lot of problems in all time periods. People may
think it's an innocent way of egging a coward on. Just ignore
them.

***

3.Sep.2005 21:18

From: patty

pattywer

Re: And Everything

In the bible, Cain was banished from the Garden of Eden. He went
out and "begat".... If Adam & Eve had Cain and Abel, and they
were the only people on earth, who could Abel have begat with?

Wonko's Reply:

Yeah, but everything ELSE in the bible makes perfect sense.

That's like finding fault with one aspect of Star Trek.

If you want to believe in science fiction, or religion, you have
to be willing to ignore all the things that don't make sense.

They call that faith I think. Faith that what they say is true,
even if it doesn't make sense.

***

18.Aug.2005 15:57

From: James Frye

james.frye1@

Re: Life

Why is it that people just don't try to do the right thing all
the time? Are we just that lazy as species?

Wonko's Reply:

Well, yes... earthlings are lazy... but that doesn't mean we
don't try to do the right thing. The two are unrelated. In fact,
big business spends billions of money on new products that are
designed to help us be lazy... and I wouldn't call that doing
the right thing.

However... the old saying about your friends jumping off a
bridge can be used here. Why don't YOU try to do the right
thing. You may not change the world, but you'll change YOUR
world.

Except for speeding, and the occasional MP3 download, I try to
do the right thing, and it makes me feel good about myself.

I should point out, I am VERY lazy.

***

16.Aug.2005 17:58

From: Chad

Re: And Everything

What religion is the right one?

Wonko's Reply:

All of them are, and when we learn to accept that without
killing, everybody wins.

Religion serves a valuable purpose. My philosophy has always
been; PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT.

The REAL story is unknown, so just choose one you can live with.
Personally, I like Bacon and beef so only some work for me.

***

15.Aug.2005 10:31

From: Nate

Re: And Everything

Is it possible to be allergic to water?

Wonko's Reply:

You might think that was a silly question, but the idea behind
alergies doesn't care that 80% or more of our own bodies is
water, or that water is needed for survival. We can still have a
reaction to it, and in fact, some poor people seem to.

http://extratv.warnerbros.com/reframe.html?http://extratv.warnerbros.com/dailynews/rxtra/01_01/01_06d.html

Imagine a life without cool aid.

***

10.Aug.2005 14:52

From: Nick

Re: Life

What would the world be like without the internet?

Wonko's Reply:

Without the Internet, and in turn, this web page, you'd have to
ask youyr mother that question, and she's say "What is the
Internet?"

Actually, I have lived many years in a world without the
Internet. We had something called The BBS. It was actually more
fun in many ways and I miss the days of my PunterNet Amex BBS
Node 10.

***

3.Aug.2005 7:51

From: Jeremy

harry_potter1211@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

When will starcraft 2 come out

Wonko's Reply:

One of the keys to being intelligent, is learning how to learn.
When you don't know the answer to something, asking is a good
idea. What makes you an even smarter human is knowing who to
ask. In this case, I'm not sure why you'd think I'd know more
about a video game than a video game expert.

So I did what I often do when asked questions I'm unsure of. I
ask GOOGLE.

I have not played a video game since Packacuda. Pacacuda? An old
Commodore 64 game fashioned after Pacman.

***

3.Aug.2005 5:13

From: Talal

py34thon@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

One day, i forgot the patio door open because i was on the net
for 23 hours and untill today my cat didnt come back. what do u
think happened to it?

Wonko's Reply:

I think you already know. It seems like an obvious question.
What happened? It went out the open patio door.

***

1.Aug.2005 8:54

From: John

mntash@gmail.com

Re: Life

I have often though that the world would be a better place if it
was entirely populated by my clones.

Clones exactly like me mentally, but physically very varied.

I suspect that many people feel the same way about themselves.

Does Wonko think this of himself?

What is the one thing I need to know to succeed inb life in
terms of happiness/wealth (at least $10billion by age 30,
current age is 20).

Thankyou.

Wonko's Reply:

I too have been trying to obtain a few billion dollars in
personal wealth. So far, Frogstar donations are up to about $40
tops.

My best suggestion would be to find some dignitary who has just
died in Nigeria, and offer to help them transfer 10,000,000 out
of their country. I have read a few (hundred) emails that offer
these services so it MUST be true.

***

27.Jul.2005 1:31

From: Crickett

Re: Life

If a cat always lands on it's feet and butter bread always lands
butter side down, what would happen if you strapped a piece of
butter bread to a cat's back? :)

Wonko's Reply:

Yawn. I'm an immortal being that has lived many lives. DO you
honestly think I have not heard that joke a gazillion times?

We stopped doing the cruelty to animals gags years ago.

***

25.Jul.2005 0:04

From: Bob

pugs2007@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Have you ever thought about visiting the Asylum? Honestly? I
mean, it's really not that bad of a place... you just have to
watch out for LA and San Francisco... or most major cities for
that matter...

Wonko's Reply:

If you knew the story of Wonko, you'd know it's YOU that are
alreadyv in the Asylum.

***

21.Jul.2005 20:15

From: Nick

Re: Life

If you were at the beach and had a really long extension cord
with a hair dryer plugged on to the end, and threw it into the
ocean, would it kill any fish?

Wonko's Reply:

That is the exact same question I always had. I should probably
go get advice from a lawyer before I answer, in case you try it,
kill some fish and sue Wonko for the idea.

***

14.Jul.2005 20:25

From: Link4959

Brigast@comcast.net

Re: Life

Why are people so Angry?

Wonko's Reply:

I waited a while before I answered this question. I had to cool
down. You should never answer a question when you're angry.

I wish I knew why people have become angry. It comes with being
in a hurry, or being afraid. Personal fears and marketing fears
have made us this way. In short, media, culture, stupid
government choices and the way of life have taken away what we
remember as the good old days.

This has made us more angry as a nation that our fathers and
grandfathers.

I should point out that this has been the case for thousands of
years, and every generation.

***

3.Jul.2005 9:56

From: Jane Smith

Re: And Everything

How many penises can fit in my mouth?

Wonko's Reply:

I'm sure you already know.

Actually, if you mean at once, I would say the answer is one,
because the man attached to the penis gets in the way of adding
a second - unless you happen to have extra ones already severed,
stored in a jar somewhere.

If you meant how many in your entire lifetime, the number is
staggeringly high.

(I'm not 100% sure why I didn't just delete that question)

***

2.Jul.2005 13:41

From: Nick

Re: Life

What would happen if you took a sleeping pill, and then had a
cup of coffee?

Wonko's Reply:

I have no witty answer for this question. Sleeping pills work
differently than caffine.

However, if you combine sleeping pills with boring questions
like yours, the need to fall asleep would overcome any perk the
coffe would provide.

Hmmm... I'm not usually that mean. It must be Monday.

***

1.Jul.2005 19:29

From: jaclyn skarapinski

jonathanthemightyandallknowing-hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

are you a guy or a girl?

Wonko's Reply:

I am an e-male.

***

15.Jun.2005 17:55

From: tom

eaio2@yahoo.com

Re: Life

how to make to get questions on which i know the answers?

Wonko's Reply:

I would be happy to answer this, if I knew the question... or
the answer.

***

7.Jun.2005 18:59

From: Phillip Jones

phillip@paj.com

Re: Life

Do you have a wife? Cuz' you don't seem to me like the type of
guy who has a wife. Or could even keep a steady marriage. Or
could even get one for that matter. I bet you'll tell me you do!
HAHAHAPFFFTTT *gasps for air* HAHA.... Like I'm that
gullible.... Well...ummm.... Do ya? What's the whole deal-o on
that story-o wonko.

Wonko's Reply:

I don't respect questions that include insults. I think you may
find that most of the world works better if you don't insult
them when you ask for things.

Good luck with trying life your way.

***

6.Jun.2005 20:13

From: Jeremy Farmer

jeremy533@msn.com

Re: And Everything

what powers the sun

Wonko's Reply:

It's solar powered of course.

***

5.Jun.2005 22:02

From: Andrew Renfro

orfnerwerdna@gmail.com

Re: Life

If you are late returning a video and then died, would a friend
or loved one have to pay the late fee?

Wonko's Reply:

In keeping with my attempt to better the world through the use
of proper English, I will answer your question literally. If you
were returning a video and THEN died, than the video will
already have been returned. That's what THEN means.

I have never died, so I'm not sure what happens. I do however
really sincerely hope that when I'm dead, these kind of things
won't matter.

The worst thing about most religions. They want me to still care
about things after I'm dead. If I die and it turns out I still
have to care whether my videos got returned, I'm going to be
very upset.

***

5.Jun.2005 1:36

From: patrick

bugmode@yahoo.com

Re: Life

wonko, why am i the only driver in southern california that
actually puts some thought into the process?

Wonko's Reply:

Hmmm... the whole idea behind doing something - anything really
over a long period of time, is that it stops taking mental
energy to do it.

If we work on an assembly line, the work quickly becomes
mindless. If we do the same thing over and over, we don't have
to think about it.

So the answer to your question? You're the only one still
thinking. That makes you dumb. You don't learn.

Sorry if that wasn't the answer you expected.

***

2.Jun.2005 16:04

From: somebody

---------------

Re: And Everything

Is there a list of the wise quotes you put at the top of all the
Frogstar pages?

Wonko's Reply:

Yes. Yes there is.

***

30.May.2005 17:25

From: Sean

Re: Life

Wonko,

Why is it I have to explain the simplest of tasks to my wife in
excruciating detail?

Wonko's Reply:

The really odd thing is, you wife asked me last week, why you
always explain the simplest of tasks in excruciating detail.

Communication might be something you need to work on. It may not
be that she needs this detail every time. It is possible that
you're just horrible at directions.

***

29.May.2005 18:52

From: Dolphin

Nikz64@aol.com

Re: And Everything

Can you give me one last fish before I leave Earth? You see,
it's gonna be destroyed. (My species has tried to warn you, but
you just think we're jumping through rings and stuff.)

Wonko's Reply:

My species is the mouse. We knew before you.

***

26.May.2005 17:32

From: Gina

fuzzyscarfves@hottmail.com

Re: Life

I am looking for a botfriend. Are you hott?? Please tell me your
not GAY!!

Wonko's Reply:

I am not gay.

Not that theres anything wrong with that.

***

26.May.2005 10:02

From: From: From: From:

Re: Life

I have bought a roll of duct tape for no reason at all. Do you
have any ideas what i could do with it?

Wonko's Reply:

Once again I am asked to answer questions that GOOGLE does a
much better job at.

http://www.exploremaine.com/~joeho/tape.htm

***

24.May.2005 9:37

From: Meaning of life

a_papercut

Re: And Everything

Whats the meaning of Life? If it is Cheese plz tell me...if not
gimme a nuke and send me to the center of the universe

Wonko's Reply:

The meaning of life changed from "cheese" in 1386.

I can't tell you the new meaning till after you're dead. It'll
all make sense.

***

15.May.2005 11:34

From: From: From: From:

---------------

Re: And Everything

Why does watching things get shreded through a shreder, feel so
good?

Wonko's Reply:

What can I say... Humans love distruction.

Enjoy:

http://www.ssiworld.com/watch/watch-en.htm

***

8.May.2005 1:52

From: alex

mnementh73@hotmail.com

Re: The Universe

Is the Hokey Pokey REALLY what it's all about?

Wonko's Reply:

That depends. You have to DO the HOKEY POKEY... while singing.
In the song, that's what it's all about.

***

6.May.2005 15:43

From: Nick

Re: Life

Do you know how to change the little thing that says "Wonko's
Wisodom" (on top of your responses) to say like, "Wonko is
cool", or something like that.

Wonko's Reply:

Yes, I do. It's HTML code.

***

5.May.2005 18:00

From: Devin Johnson

liquidgoat@gmail.com

Re: And Everything

I need your opinion...

I created an invention called "Johnson Juice"(Patent Pending).
It's also know as Gravy Soda.

My question is, do you think the public will apeal to this tasty
concoction?

Wonko's Reply:

Gravy Soda and Johnson juice seem to give us very distinct
images in my mind. Neither is pleasant... but don't base
marketing on my idea. I hate most things.

You need a focus group. The masses don't have to be "right" to
be the masses. Good movies don't outsell crap. Good food may not
out sell crap either.

***

4.May.2005 13:01

From: Devin Johnson

liquidgoat@gmail.com

Re: And Everything

Some days I'm bored. I litteraly cant think of one damn thing to
do. Any ideas? Any at all?

Wonko's Reply:

When I was a kid, I used to get bored all the time. My mother
used to say; "Don't be".

So now I just do something. Try this: http://alldumb.com

***

30.Apr.2005 1:30

From: Patrick

Re: Life

I'm sick of working. What should i do tomorrow? and the next
couple of days?

Wonko's Reply:

Work is usually not the task we'd do if given the choice. Work
is usually the task we do to be able to afford what we'd do if
we didn't have to work.

So if you don't want to work, then ANYTHING else isn't work. I
suggest browse Frogstar and read some jokes. Then pay me a cash
donation via PayPal and I won't have to work either.

***

29.Apr.2005 0:26

From: holes

kelisummey@cox.net

Re: And Everything

can u sort any thing????????????????????????????

Wonko's Reply:

any

can

sort

thing

u

***

28.Apr.2005 16:26

From: From:

Re: Life

If you face a mirror at another mirror, how many mirrors are
shown?

Wonko's Reply:

There are still two mirrors. Even if you throw in a photograph
of the images in the mirrors, there are still two mirrors.

I have always been fascinated with the concept of the mirror. I
can't get my mind around how you and I can see something
different in the same piece of glass at the same time.

***

21.Apr.2005 22:35

From: Joe Bob

Re: And Everything

Re: "The Storm Trooper vs. Mirror Question"

While that is true, there is still a flaw in your logic. Since
the blasts are not visible (because they're not real), it would
be possible to take them on with a mirror then...just bash it
over their heads ;-)

And is a parabola really a curve? All it really is, at the
microscopic level, are short linear line segments connecting
points. What is your take on this?

Wonko's Reply:

I have learned that life as we know it, doesn't really reflect
to life as scientists know it. When we look at the science of
the really really small, very few things stand up. The logic
flaws and science rules that are broken at the really really
small level are fascinating, frustrating and confusing.

It is best to ignore them, or jump into that science fully.
Middle ground is just confusing. We have more questions than
answers. You think physic phenomenon is tricky... you don't know
anything about molecular science. It boggles the minds of the
experts, and that's saying a lot.

***

19.Apr.2005 21:37

From: Joe Bob

Re: And Everything

Since the laser bursts from blasters in Star Wars are highly
focused beams of light (hence them being a laser) could you take
on a squad of Stormtroopers with a mirror?

Wonko's Reply:

Not all light reflects in a mirror. X rays for example, and
other light outside our visual spectrum. Mirrors only reflect
visible light.

In Star Wars, the actual battles are fought with invisible
light, and the the effects we've come to know are added by the
ILM effects guys in post production.

***

19.Apr.2005 17:51

From: Paul Forbes

paul@phibernet.co.uk

Re: Life

Why are all the nice things bad for you? e.g Chocolate, alcohol,
cakes etc.

Wonko's Reply:

This is actually a more difficult question that you think. All
good things are not always bad for you. It's more a question of
time-lines. You see, all good things are good for you at certain
times. Cigarettes were a health food product in the earlier days
of our history. Alcohol was a medicine.

So your problem isn't that chocolate is bad for you, it's that
you were born in the wrong decade.

***

18.Apr.2005 18:33

From: Name:

Email:

Re: And Everything

Do you know how to catch a stray rabbit? I have been seeing
little brown rabbits around my house and I am eager to catch
one.

Wonko's Reply:

That depends. Is it wabbit season, or duck season?

wabbit season or duck season?

wabbit season or duck season?

Sorry... Warner Brothers flashback.

***

14.Apr.2005 20:46

From: Ian

da_sololop@yahoo.com

Re: Life

How come everybody thinks Canada is really cold when it's only
cold past the atctic circle wich is like only 1/6 of all of
Canada?

Wonko's Reply:

I think "everybody" might not be the right word. Stereotypes are
easier to believe than learning the truth... but not "everybody"
is an idiot.

***

13.Apr.2005 16:46

From: Nick

Re: Life

Is there actually a perfectly strait line existing? i wonder
about this because, if we had the technolagy to magnify a strait
line so close up, wouldnt it eventually bend? (i couldnt really
make this a more easy question to understand)

Wonko's Reply:

I believe nothing is perfect or exact at a molecular level.

But isn't that just irritating nitpicking.

***

11.Apr.2005 22:01

From: Ian

da_sololop@yahoo.com

Re: Life

How come if you catch a fish, and throw it back, it's likely to
get that same fish back. Don't they realize the hook is there
from the first time?

Wonko's Reply:

Recent studies show certain fish welcome suicidal deaths. Being
eaten is a high form of social status. What else do fish have to
look forward to.

Yes I know. This was a weak and unfunny answer. What.. every one
has to be a winner?

***

5.Apr.2005 17:27

From: Nick

Re: Life

i have posted 2 questions on this page and i waited about a week
for an answer, then finaly you deleted them without answering.
so i am asking why.

Wonko's Reply:

I don't have a funny answer for this question. I don't have a
respectful answer for why they got deleted. I just delete a
portion of questions that I don't feel are in the spirit of what
ASK WONKO is all about.

***

30.Mar.2005 5:42

From: Anders Jakobsen

a@brygge.dk

Re: The Universe

Where is the best place I could spend my next holiday?

Wonko's Reply:

I always liked Vegas. I'd tell you why, but apparently what
happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

***

27.Mar.2005 23:06

From: The guy in the corner with a knife

luftwaffle@ieatcatsforfun

Re: Life

If time is money, then why won't the dealership accept my watch
as payment? How long do the repo guys take to tow cars?

Wonko's Reply:

Aha! Time is money, but you offered a watch with Tony the Tiger
on it. The exchange rate will kill you. When I buy a car, I get
48 months to pay. See the difference?

Repo guys work in the opposite direction. They take time away
from you. It takes forever to get your car back.

***

16.Mar.2005 8:25

From: The Doc

los_gremlin@hotmail.com

Re: Life

Following the statement "I think therefore I am" if i stop
thinking long enough will I cease to exist?

or should I simply phone in sick to get tomorrow off?

Wonko's Reply:

I intentionally wait an extra day to reply to questions that try
to use Wonko as excuses to miss work.

I do not believe you will cease to exist if you stop thinking,
for dead people exist. You may not be in the same state, but you
will exist, and will have existed.

We just don't really care.

***

15.Mar.2005 16:32

From: Nick

Re: Life

What is the hidden secret at the very bottem of the "other
stuff" list?

Wonko's Reply:

I believe you're referring to xyzzy. A secret is only as good as
those who can keep it.

***

15.Mar.2005 8:54

From: The doc

los_gremlin@hotmail.com

Re: And Everything

I have a thermos flask that keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold, so how does it know the difference?

Wonko's Reply:

You'd be amazed. Even though the brand name Thermos has been
making such products since long before computers were practical
and small, the amount of technology in a thermos is staggering.
There are 237 microprocessors alone between the glass chamber
and the outer wall. If you smash one open, you may not even see
them. The miniaturization is awesome.

The above is a complete lie.

The truth is much more obvious. A thermos (brand name) just
works. It is a trade secret. If I told you the REAL answer, I'd
have to kill you.

OK, the REAL truth... I asked the thermos people and they told
me they could tell me, but they'd have to kill me. Since I can't
be killed, I could never know the secret.

***

12.Mar.2005 22:29

From: Nick

Re: And Everything

How come in those future movies, the big metal sliding doors
spray out smoke when they open?

Wonko's Reply:

That's the way it happens in the future. I'm not sure I
understand the question. Almost all electric doors are steam
driven starting in 2013.

***

12.Mar.2005 17:50

From: mrs reynolds

Re: Life

my sons hamster has died and the replace hamster looks
completely different do you know any good excuses i can tell
him?

Wonko's Reply:

You're in luck. The Hamster is an amazing animal, and few people
know they shed their skin just like snakes. Every year or so,
the hamster sheds it's skin and grows a new one. Often they
change colour in the process.

Now all you have to do is skin the old one and show him the
pelt. If you've already thrown out the old dead Hamster then you
can blame the cleaning staff.

***

10.Mar.2005 15:50

From: Nick

Re: Life

As we all know, on groundhog day, if the groundhog sees its
shadow, then the winter is longer. But if it sees its shadow,
then that means that it is sunny out side and its hot. So why
does it work that way?

Wonko's Reply:

I'm lazy today.

http://www.theholidayspot.com/groundhogday/theday.htm

***

9.Mar.2005 16:32

From: Nick

Re: Life

If there is an object that no other living thing is looking at,
then is that object really there?

Wonko's Reply:

This is a cheap attempt to ask me about that tree I knocked down
in the forest isn't it?

The truth is, I am not 100% sure that I will exist without
people watching. That's why I have webcams always on.

http://frogstar.tv

Things do not stop living without an audience... only Hollywood
thinks so.

***

8.Mar.2005 17:10

From: a concerned person

Re: Life

a long while back I told you my problem with my friend who
couldn't tell male and female apart. You gave me the advice that
he should walk around in the nude, he tried this and your theory
failed. Should I just not be his friend or should I not give up.
I am in favor of not being his friend because of his condition
he has developed a bullying problem and now his eyes are
permenanty black and swolen and I fear the bullys may target me
next. So what do you think

Wonko's Reply:

Let me first say that you should NEVER ask somebody else to
choose your friends. Everyone needs to decide who to befriend
based on their own feelings.

Your parents may try to tell you to hang with the right crowd,
but in the end - personal choice is the most important thing we
have that is our own.

You'll make the right choice for you... not because a fictional
demi-god told you to.

***

4.Mar.2005 19:33

From: Joe Bob